Happy Samhain!

Happy Samhain everyone!

This is my first time celebrating this holiday, and I have to say I am a little disappointed I had to miss the first 37 of my life.

Samhain is all about honoring the people and things that have come before, and as many of you will be, on this day I will be remembering and reflecting on everything and everyone in my life that has brought me to where I am today.

I'm doing a simple ritual. I will be calling on my patron god and goddess, Cernunnos and Freya, to be with me for it. I'm writing down on a piece of paper all the things in my life that I want to get rid of, like laziness, and self pity, and self deprecation. I'm writing down all the things I want to replace those with, things like love, light, and a sense of responsibility and purpose. Then I'm going to burn that paper, like so many of you, and watch the smoke rise into the heavens carrying my will along with it, and then bury the ashes.

My time so far as a pagan has been spent mainly on personal growth. I had no idea when I started down this path that I would be required to look inside myself and confront my personal demons. I have had many difficulties working through my issues with ego, and embracing all that was and is part of me whether I found it palatable or not. It has been a exercise in humility, and it is still a work in progress.


I used to use a line I borrowed from the British television series "Doctor Who" whenever I felt I had achieved a new level of personal growth. In the show, the Doctor has the ability to "regenerate" whenever he is close to death, and becomes another person, at least in physical appearance. In one particular episode however, his 5th incarnation is working alongside all of his "former" selves, and he observes that their/his behavior has changed along with his appearance, and he says "I am not the man I was."

I no longer use that quote. If there is one thing I've learned being a pagan it's this. 

I am not just a man. I am so much more. And in this new year, I plan to become more. To live my life as it was meant to be lived. To feel a connection to all of nature and to be thankful to be a part of it. To know that to be human, to be alive, is to experience the universe, to do, to act, for without action, without movement, nothing is gained, and eventually, we die.

Thanks to all of you who have walked with me on my path this year, even those of you who may have just joined me, your comments and your advice have given me the inspiration to be better than I am, and the courage to take the actions necessary to achieve my goals. Next year will be a good one, come what may, because I know that everything will unfold exactly as it should, and that, my friends, gives me a tremendous feeling of peace.

Brightest Blessings and Love and Light in this New Year!

Welcome to my Haunted Blog!

Merry Meet and Brightest Blessings!


Hello everyone! Welcome to Rayden's Rants! I'm Rayden Darklighter, and these are my "rants"! 

First I'd like to say thanks to Mrs. B for allowing me to be a part of her Haunted Blog tour, I am deeply honored.



I started this blog about 5 months ago, to put my thoughts and opinions on "paper". I had no idea it would develop a life of it's own, but in some ways, I feel like it has. I have made some awesome friends since I've been here, and I am amazed every day with the things I read from fellow bloggers.


For those of you that may not have been here to visit before, let me tell you a little about me.


I'm a 38 year old father of 3 gorgeous daughters, unhappily married(check out some of my older posts to see details on this), and fairly new to a pagan path. I spent some time in the U. S. Navy after graduating high school, including a deployment to the Persian Gulf for Operation Desert Storm(for info on this, check out my second post). After that I had some odd jobs before embarking on a ten year career working on cars. I went to a local vo-tech school a couple of years ago and got an associate's degree in network administration, and have had two jobs since working on computers, both of which I lost due to layoffs. I am presently still unemployed, so as it is for so many these days, life is particularly challenging.


I started down my pagan path about 7 months ago, and in that time, I have done a complete overhaul of my attitude on life and my connection to the planet, and found a patron god (Cernunnos) and goddess (Freya). I found a totem animal in the stag, and at present, I am studying the tarot.

I collect old and new desktop computer hardware and tinker with it. I have enough hardware right now to build at least a dozen functional computers, although most of them would be too slow to be of any practical use to anyone. I have a dream of opening a museum dedicated to old computers, so the children of tomorrow can see how far the PC has come. 

I also love to take laptops apart and fix them. It's my absolute favorite thing to do whenever I get the chance and can tear myself away from facebook. Both of these "hobbies" have GOT to be mental diseases of some sort, I swear.

But anyway, thanks for stopping by, and please feel free to check out some of my older posts. 


Love and light!

What I didn't say

My last post covered in excruciating detail the tarot card spread I did, and my thoughts on how the message really hit home with me.


What I didn't mention in that post, what I didn't say, is why.


I have been guided along this path for 7 months now (7? really?) by someone most of you are familiar with.


She has been my constant companion, and I do mean constant, even though we live in different states; she has been my mentor, and the closest friend I have ever or will ever have. I have confided in her secrets I have never told anyone else, and probably never will. I have bared my soul to her, trusted her, allowed her to "see" literally all of what is in my head.


But I have also frustrated her with excuses, periods of inactivity, and just plain being stubborn.


She has tried and tried to get me to see what was coming, told me to get up and DO something and I didn't listen. Oh I heard the words, but I didn't "listen". I kept saying, "yeah, I get it", when in fact, I didn't.


Then, when I saw the cards and their meanings on that website, it finally clicked. I don't know why, it just did.


I wanted to write this post to acknowledge her and to thank her profusely for putting up with my BS for all this time, and to tell her that without her, I would not have made it as far as I have.


I could say she doesn't know how much she means to me, but I know she does, she has a gift, and even though I know she HATES gush, I just want to say that I love her in ways I didn't know were possible 7 months ago, our friendship defies description.


Who is this amazing woman you ask? Why, it's none other than Bella Foxglove. Don't know who that is? Well head on over to her blog, Wanderings of a Wondering Mind, and see for yourself.

A Tarot Reading

Since I don't have a deck of tarot cards of my own, I went to this website and did a six card spread called "past, present, future". I asked the question, "What does the future have in store for me?", and this was the result. The pics of the cards are from the "Tarot of Dreams" set of cards, one of my favorites out of those I have seen.


1st card, The Querent


Knight of Wands (inverted)

This first card refers to the person asking the question, and their current circumstances, and/or immediate surroundings.


Inverted the Knight of Wands means(according to the site) that there is a quality of unattractiveness, a failure to close a deal or to convince. Also it means to have a state of mind that prevents growth, which is what stood out to me. I have a mindset that I usually "know" how things are going to happen, how people are going to act, there's a certain predictability to human behavior. I have come to the realization that this may not be the best way to think. Many times things do not fit into a box, people often have hidden agendas, there is more to life than meets the eye. My "predictability" complex is hindering my spiritual growth as well. I analyze the stimulus in a given situation, and extrapolate an outcome, based on my own life experience, and I am often wrong. I am stubborn, and slow to adopt a new idea especially if I don't agree 100%. This kind of thinking is what this card is telling me I need to get rid of, to grow and learn spiritually, as well as live life to the fullest.


2nd card, Oppositions


Seven of Wands

The "Oppositions" card gives insights into what forces or individuals stand in the way of progress. Or, as I think it means in this particular case, what qualities are lacking.


This card stands for courage. To stand up in the face of challenges and forces and fight for what you believe is right. To "seize the day" as it were. This I lack in all areas of my life. Whether it be relationships, work, or school, I have never really stood up for myself and what I believed in. I have always been one to choose flight over fight, and this card is telling me that I need to find courage to attain my goals, and to live life. Sometimes fighting is a GOOD thing to do. Not fighting with people, arguing with the shrew, but fighting for my right to be me, to aggressively chase the life I want.


3rd card, Histories


Strength (inverted)

"Histories" of course is all about the past. What has brought this person to this point? What or who has influenced? What has been the state of mind?


The Strength card inverted means clumsiness, a careless use of power that reveals underlying flaws. What this means to me is that I have had a past of lazily drifting through life with little to no real direction or intent, and that has brought me to the point I am now, with no job and a failing marriage. I think the thing that spoke to me the most about this card, and the whole reading really, is that it verified a lot about my life that I have been denying, for fear of feeling like a loser, being down on myself. But understanding past faults and acknowledging them is what I have to do to be able to move on. They are a part of what brought me to where I am today, and just because something I did may be viewed as bad, it doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me "me". Plus, there has been a LOT of good things that happened and good things I've done, and for some reason I have a tendency to focus on the negative. So it's time to leave the past in the past, acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.


4th card, Near futures


King of cups (inverted)

Here again, "Near futures" denotes exactly what it says, what's in the near future. How does the present affect tomorrow? What is coming next on the path?


The King of Cups inverted denotes the presence of a deserter, or someone who will betray. Someone with deep personal flaws, someone who influences by force, intimidation and fear. This card in this position gave me warning about my wife. She and I are not yet in the midst of a divorce, but we want to be. The only thing standing in the way is finances. She is just this type of person, always trying to force her way, she has very little ability to compromise. I have reason to believe she is making plans to leave with the kids. It won't be bad to be split up from her, I think she and I agree we are going in different directions, but it WILL be bad to be away from my girls. So if she is in fact making plans, that is not going to end well. We'll see.


5th card, Strategies


Death

The "Strategies" card gives insight into mindsets and courses of action to help the "querent" as he or she moves into the future, shows things to be mindful of.


The Death card signifies the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. It can also mean the loss of personal property, or a larger trend coming to a close. This one seemed pretty obvious to me, as I understand that my life is about to change significantly. A divorce has a tendency to do that. Greater than that, my spiritual life is going through a pretty big change too, so again, pretty obvious. I think on top of all that though, the thing I need to be most mindful of is that things are always changing, nothing ever stays the same. Change is good, and it's about time I embraced the idea.


6th card, Wholeness


4 of Pentacles (inverted)

The "Wholeness" card depicts the energy of the whole situation, and gives insight as to the outcome, and its defining issue.


The 4 of pentacles inverted is interpreted as "the perfect storm". As the site says "an unfortunate coincidence for which one is not prepared". This seems pretty danged dire to me, like my whole world is about to blow up in my face, and I am not ready for it. Ties into the near future card I think, if things go as they are going now, I'm sure it will. So, I must prepare myself. Double my efforts to look for a job. Make sure I have suitable living arrangements. Just make sure I look out for signs of trouble.




Well that was my reading. It was a real eye opener for me. It was all stuff I knew about, stuff I knew I should be mindful of, things I should change, but as of yet, had done little to do so. Other things I had only suspected are now more or less verified. I don't know exactly what is going to happen obviously, but it seems pretty clear from all the warning signs that unless I do something, the future doesn't look too bright. I don't know what to say other than I'm happy I got this insight, because now I can move ahead with plans of my own and know that it should be a step in the right direction. For a while now I have not really thought about what I would do to start a new life, but I feel this reading is telling me that I should get off my duff and get going, get started with my new life.


It is also telling me I am a product of my life experiences, and that I should embrace all the aspects of what got me to today, including the good stuff. I'm so negative all the time, I mean sometimes it doesn't show here on my blog, but trust me, I am a "expect the worst and hope for the best" kind of person. I'm a pessimist. But what about the good? I've have lots of amazing and really great memories from my childhood and my adulthood prior to today. Why not use those, instead of focusing on the bad? Life really is what you make it, and it seems I am making it bad by thinking negative thoughts.


I have also noticed that I have been going around and around with these thoughts for several months now. All the signs have been pointing to me needing to change, to embrace the change, and I have heard, but I have not "listened". I talk and I talk, but what gets done to move ahead? Not much. Am I ready to get on with life, ready to live? Or am I going to go back to the same thought process? Every time so far, I have just gone back to being the same old me after a short flameup. No passion, no drive, just blah. This tarot reading is SCREAMING at me, saying, WAKE UP DUDE, OR YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!!!


I posted this mainly because of the affect it had on me, but I wanted to say also that if there is anyone else out there who is in the same boat, and is struggling changing their mindset, I'd love to hear from you. I am happy to have gotten this revelation, and I wanted to share to help and uplift anyone else who may feel like me.

A day in the life

I've been remiss in something. 


I haven't really talked about my life. What it's like to be me. What I do every day. What I eat, where I sleep, you know, just life in general.


I wake up most days on a couch. I can't sleep in the bed because it's full of my children and the shrew. I call her that because she is usually very upset with me and argumentative because I don't have a job. I'm not a bum, but it's been almost a year since I've had one, so it's understandable she's a bit pissed off.


But I digress. I sleep on a couch because we live with my mother in law and her husband. We've lived with them for 2 years now, because I lost a job I had back then to a layoff, and we had to move in with them or be on the street. I got another job soon after, but then I got laid off from that job too, and have not had one since. I work on computers, I have an associate's degree in network administration, but there are no jobs in this town working on computers. So, I apply for any job I can get. I go out after I take the kids to school, my three girls, and my niece and nephew that also live with us. I used to go to the career center and check out what jobs they had a couple of times a month. Real effort there huh? Well I figured out that I wasn't going to get a job that way, so I started recently going out and just picking up applications from anywhere and everywhere, filling them out, and turning them in. No calls yet, but at least now I feel like I'm making a better effort.


I don't eat very well, but it's not because there isn't food to eat. It's my selection of what I want that is what's bad. Chocolate chip cookies, plain cake donuts, Drumstick ice cream cones, those little resealable bags of cookies that you can get in several varieties, you get the idea. It's amazing that I haven't gained a bunch of weight considering that most of my day consists of either sitting in a car driving, or sitting here on this couch with my laptop playing around on facebook, or reading blogs, or searching for whatever. As a matter of fact, I've actually LOST weight. But that's pretty normal for me, all my life junk food has made me lose weight, while the healthy foods make me gain. And no, you don't wish you were like that, because once you know this, and eat junk food knowing you won't gain, you find you are starving to death without looking like it. It sucks. The human body requires vitamins and minerals to survive, and too much of a junk food diet means these vital components are not being absorbed, making one feel hungry. I'm hungry a lot, but not being "fed".


I really don't do much else with my day. I sit a lot, I do housework here and there, but not much else happens. I go pick the kids up, sit here some more, and then if no one else has done it, I make them dinner. After that, I sit here again. Of course the shrew, when she's not at work, is usually doing everything in her power to get me off of the computer. Again, can't say I blame her, 16 hours a day is just too much. It's not that I don't want to help around the house, or that I'm lazy, I just always seem to have something else I want to do online, and there never seems to be enough time for all of it to get done.


I fix stuff a lot too. Anytime something doesn't work, they come to me. This mp3 player doesn't play through the headphones. I can't get the computer to go to this page. I broke the broom off the handle. This car window won't go up.  You name it, I fix it. I should probably start a business. If I wanted to do it for a living. I fix cars, and computers. The other stuff, it's just necessity. Who else is gonna do it?


So, my day is pretty boring actually. But every day I keep noticing stuff. I read a lot online, books seem to have gone by the wayside, but I read about how to see, how to listen, how to connect with the earth. Being a new pagan and for now being totally in the broom closet, I have worked solely on self improvement, and developing my perceptions and awareness of the universe and its energies. Part of it is also because of no cash flow, but that will come in due time. 


I go to sleep on this couch after meditating for a few minutes, and wake up the next day to start all over again. My life isn't really all that much fun, but it's not bad either. I've started recently to get up more and be active, and get away, it's a weird thing to wake up one day and realize you missed summer and it's fall now.


Tomorrow, well today, is Saturday, no school for the kids, more work for me, but it's ok, things are moving along, I am learning, growing, and soon, I'll be working.

Comment capers

I was reading a post at The Wandering Hearth that spoke of two people being rude and hateful to each other, in commenting on a blog.


This is not the first time I have heard of this happening. Whether it be body image issues, as the above post seemed to be referring to, or religious issues, or any other topic that strikes your fancy, it seems that on occasion there are hateful and hurtful comments that one person bestows upon another, either directly or in reference to a certain "type" of person or belief. And then of course there is the retaliatory strike by someone with the "opposite" opinion.


The thing that strikes me the most is what normally ensues in these situations can only be described as DRAMA. Some people seem to live and thrive off of creating it, others by escalating it. Interesting phenomenon to observe.


Is it because a person feels somehow "personally" attacked by someone's words? Is there a feeling of insecurity there? One can argue that there was simply a difference of opinion, but what is it that makes this happen?


What I am TRYING to say is this.


Can't we all just get along?


I'm not trying to say that I never argue, but this kind of behavior really bothers me.


When commenting on someone's post, I leave whatever comments are already there alone, even if they say something I do not agree with. I personally believe that comments are to be reserved for the purpose of leaving thoughts on the post itself, not to agree or disagree with comments left by others. I think that most people practice that policy, out of respect for the person that has posted.


I don't know what else to say, but I felt the need to say my piece about it.


I have a question for you, my blog friends. How do you feel about this?


Am I alone feeling this way? Do you agree? Do you NOT agree? Are comments a forum for discussion? Or are they individual thoughts to be kept separate?


Comment to me on this, and we'll see together what the answer is.

My goddess is found

The goddess is found.

At this minute, at this point in my journey, I am seeing her all around me. 

Little things have pointed me to her, showed me she is watching.

Her name even, finally revealed.

Freya. "The Lady", the mistress, the origin of the name of the day Friday?

Warrior goddess, goddess of sensual love.

I did some research and found this.

http://www.goddessgift.com/goddess-myths/goddess-freya.htm

I cannot vouch for how much of it is historical fact, but the quote at the very bottom of the page is what really stood out to me.

"The goddess Freya reminds us to explore and acknowledge all of our emotions, longings, and traits, even those we wish we didn't possess".

This is the journey I have been on for months, exploring and acknowledging all that is part of me. 

I can now put a name to the "face" that has been in my thoughts, and now I understand why it was not revealed before now.

I have had two visions/dreams in which she appeared, but was behind me both times.

She was behind me because she was pushing me, guiding me with loving care. Not just in my visions, but in life, into situations that would take me to places I had never gone before, or more aptly, places I did not want to go.

Places in my mind, in my heart. Places where love flooded out to drown those around me, but left me feeling empty. Places where fear, and anger, and self loathing had festered and boiled, places where doubt, laziness, and false hopes sprang up like thistles and brambles to tear at the fragile skin of my ego.

I have an ego, for I am human. I am "exploring and acknowledging" my emotions, even the ones I wish I didn't have, and learning to let logic have its place, to achieve "balance" in the way I think and act.

Freya is my goddess, she is with me, teaching, leading, guiding.

I am grateful.   

I discovered this on photobucket, it is the best representation I've found of what I have seen of her in my visions. The main thing I remember was that the clouds/mist were of a bluish hue, and her hair was sort of a blond color, with the "flowy" part of it also having the bluish tint to it.

Update

My job search took a step in the right direction today. In a few weeks I may just be a substitute teacher.


I got an email from the Kelly services agency to fill out an online application, which I did, and shortly after filling it out and submitting it, I got a phone call to set up an interview. It's mostly just to do some paperwork, but it's progress nonetheless.


Now if I can only come up with the $48 I need to get fingerprinted per their instructions. Somehow I'm sure I'll get it done.


On another note, I have started studying the tarot, so that when I can afford to buy a deck I will at least be familiar with what to do with it, and I've also began researching astrology in more detail, something I have been drawn to for more years than I can count.


I've also been working on meditating more, and doing less thinking and more doing. My emotions have always ruled everything I have done, and I am really working now to achieve a balance of logic and emotion. I used to think that to be logical meant the absence of emotion, but to think clearly there should be emotion as well as logic, not too much of either.


As far as my goddess goes, her exact identity still eludes me, but somehow, I feel like she is working in my life now more than ever. For a man such as myself, I thought it would mean her getting me more in touch with my "feminine" side, but you know, I don't think that was ever a problem.


(I mean honestly, did any of you think I wasn't?)


What I needed was the ability to be "feminine" and "masculine" all at the same time, and that my friends, is what I am learning.


So for now I will just continue to learn and grow, and be thankful. Gratitude goes a long way in the universe, and I have a lot to be grateful for.

Job hunt

A hearty hello to all of you in blogland!


I finally got up off my lazy duff today and really went job hunting.


I applied at Walmart, well actually amended my application to include night stocking, and to change my available times to ALL the time.


I also applied at Burger King, Dollar Tree, and O'Reilly Auto Parts.


Then, I went by an employment agency that specializes in acquiring substitute teachers, and got the info I needed to get the ball rolling with that. You may remember from an earlier post I did that I want to get involved in teaching, and this seems a great way to do it. I've sent an email to them with the info they require, so hopefully things are going to get going with that now.


I also ran by another employment agency and talked to a lady I used to work with and have already emailed her my resume.


All in all it was a good trip, and I hope to see some results soon.


Thanks to all the well wishers.

The Awakening

This particular piece was written by Sonny Carroll, but I was so moved by it I just had to post it.

" THE AWAKENING"   A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.   This is your awakening.   You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come gallop- ing over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.   You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and champion- ing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.   You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.   You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties.. and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.   You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.   You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ....and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.   You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.   You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.   You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.   You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.   You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.   You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self- fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More import- antly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.   You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.   You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.   And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.   You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.   Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by your- self and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.   Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Hello ladies, my name is Rayden

I've had something rolling about in my cranium for some time now, and finally managed to grab hold of it to apply it to this page.


I have been a pagan now going on six months. In that time, I have learned about being connected to the earth, the universe, energy, gods, goddesses, you get the idea.


I've mentioned before that I follow mostly pagan women's blogs. The men's blogs I have seen tend to be very holier than thou, arrogant, "hey look at me, i've got powers!" kind of stuff. No offense guys, but there's a lot of that out there.


Having said that, ladies, I do follow your blogs hoping to gain insight on being a pagan, learning about the sabats and esbats and any other bats you come up with. Wait, now is that a ritual or a holiday, month of the year, or just a piece for your altar? Herbs, spices, making "potions", charging crystals, the list goes on forever.


But then there's the other stuff. The crafty stuff, the cooking stuff, and the giveaways, wow there are SO many giveaways. You can imagine from a man's standpoint that a lot of this just glazes our eyes over. And now this latest bit. The awards. 


I myself have received a couple of the awards, and I've got to tell you, I was deeply honored that someone would nominate me. Oh wait, that's something too. If I'm just nominated, doesn't that mean I didn't actually win yet? I thought if you are nominated for something, it just means there is a possibility that you will be chosen from the pool of nominees to be the winner. Must work differently in the blog world. Anyway, I was glad to be chosen, and felt honored, not bothered, to bestow the award on other bloggers I felt were worthy of it.


I have left comments on some of your blogs, some of your posts, and I truly say what I feel because I want to give credit where credit is due. I am a more emotional man than some, so my speech is colored with "rainbows and butterflies" more attributed to women than men. But make no mistake. I am a man. I am not just a big pile of gush.


I do wish to thank all of you who regularly comment on my posts, your encouragement and kindness are appreciated more than you could ever know. I am truly blessed to have all of you with me on my journey down my path of life. You have my gratitude.


Having said that, I have decided to take my blog in a different direction. I'm sure I will be posting about my feelings on a regular basis, but I want to concentrate more in growing and learning on spiritual things, and connecting with my spirit guides and totem animals. So, to that end, I will be posting questions and comments on everything related to those things, and I welcome any and all feedback from anyone who feels they can be of help. I am still a very green witch, pardon the pun, and I want to learn.


The first thing I want to ask about is my goddess issue. I don't know who she is, but I've seen her in two different visions, or dreams. She looks like a blue mist, but she's always been behind me, just barely in view. The Horned One, the Green Man, Cernunnos himself is always prevalent, but not the goddess, and I wonder why. I was even shown my main totem, the stag, in my first vision/dream, but I know of no other totems. What is the meaning of that? I really want to know, to learn, to really connect with the spiritual, but it seems I've reached a sort of dead end.


In closing, ladies, I thank you. You are a constant reminder of all that is good with the world. And guys, do yourselves a favor. Get down off your pedestals and see what these women have to offer. 


Just don't get caught up in the gush.

Thinking

Well here I am again, after not posting for a few days, thinking about what I need to do with myself.


I went this afternoon to the local career center to see if there were any job openings I could apply for, and I did apply to one job, working for the state.


I've been doing a lot of internalizing lately, as ya'll can see from my posts as of late, but now it's time to get up off of my duff and do something about it.


Do you ever get tired of emotional stuff? Always feeling, love this, hate that. Thinking too much about dumb stuff. Thinking too much period.


Well needing a job takes very little thought. So I'm going to go get one.


Simple as that. No thought, no feeling.


Today I felt like getting off the computer, facebook especially. So I did.


I fix stuff. Fix cars, fix computers, fix the plumbing, you name it, I fix it.


So I set out to fix my life.


Not as easy, but still, I can fix this.


All I need to do is to quit thinking, and start doing.


So, ok, talk to you later!

Ta Da!!!!! Happy Halloween!!! And, another award!!!

Here it is folks!! My blog in costume!!


What do you think? He's scary isn't he?


I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment, I simply don't know how to describe my joy and happiness.


Bella Foxglove, over at Wanderings of a Wondering Mind, has again provided me with a blog to be proud of, and I am most grateful.


Then, to my surprise, on top of doing that, she left a comment for me on my last post telling me she had something for me on her blog.


So, I went over to check it out, and here it is!!!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great honor.


It's been hard sometimes writing my feelings down for complete strangers to peruse, well not "strangers", but you know, people I don't know personally.


I write in my blog as often as the spirit moves me, and I have put a lot of really personal stuff in my posts that I was afraid would turn people away, make them feel like I was a jerk or something.


I was completely wrong of course, as all of you have left me such wonderful comments, and I'm glad that I was able to be so honest and not be judged.


This award has made me feel all the more comfortable about writing exactly what I think and feel, and knowing that all of you out there in the blog community will welcome each post with no biases or judgments.


Oh and one more thing.


I am flattered that Bella would recognize and acknowledge that I am completely in touch with my "feminine" side by inducting me into a "sisterhood". I am truly honored. (Is that legal? Can I really be in a sisterhood?)


It's really been a great release and very therapeutic to write in this blog, but there is so much more I want and need to write about. 


I want to start posting more on my thoughts about being a pagan, especially in a house in which I cannot practice as I'd like, I want to learn so badly.
I want to get in touch with my spirit guides, and more of my totem animals. I have learned so much about the spiritual and myself since I started down this path, but there is so much more I want to know.


Who is my goddess? I know of my god, Cernunnos, but in my visions of him, the goddess is there, but she is behind me, obscured from view. I have gotten a sense of her being a mist, a bluish mist. I really want to find out who she is, and really get in contact with her, commune with her.


But, that is a subject of another post.


Thank you Bella, for making my day wonderful. You are an amazing person.


Oh yeah, and before I go, stayed tuned for a post in which I bestow this honesty award on to some of you out there, you have truly been an inspiration to me.


Have a great night everyone!!

Ok I'm really back this time

I don't know what's gotten into me! 


Has it really been almost a week since I posted?


Well I am doing ok, and I have no excuses other than being busy doing other things.


My next post will come with my blog being properly "dressed" for Halloween, so watch for that one.


The full moon this time has been a happy one for me. I have made a conscious decision to be happy, and my life has been so much better.


I'm going outside after I finish here, and even though it's raining, and I can't see her, I'm going to bathe in the glow of Luna's full and wonderful energy.


Until we meet again!