There's this post going around in my head.
It's about the way I see the world, what I've observed in people. I want it to be concise, and be in order, so no one gets confused. The timetable needs to be linear.
Some things I can't get out. They just are thoughts that rattle around in my head from day to day, random observations, feelings really. I've been alive for 38 years, and done a lot of observing. I'm also very good at recognizing patterns. And people have patterns. Patterns of attitude, of actions, reactions in a given situation.
My dad told me once that times change but people don't. People, whether it be the 21st century, or the 16th, have the same desires, the same emotions, the same attitudes. Only the date has changed, and maybe a little technology.
So armed with this knowledge, and having studied history, and from my own observations, I have a catalogue in my head of sorts of different types of people.
You know, the loud obnoxious ones, the quiet but oh so deep ones, the ones that seem to be friends with everyone and have a great life on the surface but behind closed doors they are a psychopath? The drama queen, the guy who thinks he's some kind of gift to women, the nerdy dude who has NO clue he could be with women if he would just loosen his tie.
I meet new people, and within 5 or 10 minutes of talking to them, I have them in one of these boxes in my head. Oh he's one of those guys, better watch I don't act too overly concerned with him. She's such a ditz, bet she can't even get around her house without a GPS. I do this stuff a lot, put things in boxes. It's the way my brain processes information.
I really wish I could post about it. I feel like I need to get my thoughts on paper, or at least electronic paper, but I just can't seem to get started on it.
People just piss me off sometimes. I'm nice and sweet on the outside, but on the inside I am just as selfish as anyone else. I want stuff to go my way too. I have a duality to me, kind and caring, but inside cruel and completely uncaring.
I'm like everyone else, show my nice side to the world, but inside, I'm saying "What the f--- do I care?"
I've studied humans my whole life, and we go through this life never thinking that others may have the same problems and feelings as us. We are always alone in our own minds. Trouble is, every damned one of us is in the same boat. Ok, so you have had different experiences than me. Does that mean I can't possibly know how you may be feeling? So even if I had a different experience but found I had the same emotion means I don't understand where you are? "No, you don't understand, you just have to go through that to know."
Pfft. Whatever. Why do we have to even be selfish about our emotions? Just let me feel it with you, let me care, or not care, but don't shut me out. I bet there is another guy right now, maybe next door, or on the other side of the world, having the same problem I have right now. Who am I to say, "No, you can't be feeling like me!"? "You don't know how it feels."
I really wish I could get the post started. I have the need to tell someone how I feel.
I've been rolling it around in my head for a long time now, but it seems I'm not able to get the thoughts together enough to make a good post about it.
No one is immune to this. No one. I don't care how f---ing emotional you think you are or not, you are like this. The voice in your head that is right now saying either "wow he's saying exactly what I feel" or "this dude is so fake, he's made us think he's so sweet and look at him, I knew it!" Admit it, it may not be the exact words, but something along those lines has crossed your mind while reading this. Which is exactly my point. Every single one of us has the same attitudes and emotions, no matter how old or young we are. Some of you are in your 20s, just starting out in life. Some of you are a little older, looking at more days behind than there are ahead. But all of us get angry, get scared, get bored, we love, we hate, and sometimes, just feel like "blah".
Man I really wish I could get this in a post. This is some really good stuff.
How many times do I have to hear about someone falling in love before it becomes the same as my love? Oh but no, the love I have for my significant other is somehow different. No one has this feeling but us! Oh I bet you don't feel like we do, there is NO way you could.
Same goes for the "bad" emotions. I've never been so scared in my life! I can't write about this, what if everyone hates me, and I lose all my followers? Everyone will think I'm such an a--hole! You can't possibly know how it feels to be me!
Well guess what people. You DO know how I feel. Every time you set out to write a post, you feel just like I do. You are scared. You do think you will lose people. Oh sure, to varying degrees it may seem different, but the raw emotion is the same.
Sometimes you don't care. You don't say it, but you are just like me. You just don't want to hear it. Right now, if you are reading this, and you feel that way, go ahead, stop reading! How am I ever going to know it? BUT, if you are like me, and I know you ARE if you are human, you won't stop. Morbid curiosity overrides any and all other emotions. Gotcha there too don't I? You just can't stop reading, you want to know how it ends, because (and I could say deep down right now because that's what you expect but it's really not that deep is it?) you are just like me and you want to see if I feel like you do.
Man why can't I just start a post about this?
All day long, every day, I see and read and hear about what people are going through and how they feel. So what's wrong with me feeling the same way too? What if I don't want to hear it today? What if I love you more than anyone I've ever loved and I can't tell you? What if I'm scared to death, or want to cry, or don't want to cry, is that so wrong? You and I are more alike than you know, and I mean you. Yeah, you, the one staring at the computer screen. Do you think because your life is different you don't feel the emotions I feel? Well think again. Do I think you are reading this and for the first time in your life are realizing we are all the same? Truth is, I don't care. I felt like writing and this is what came out. Tell me you haven't ever done it. Oh and feel free to beat me up in the comments, there's lots I haven't said here. Of course you could also tell me you loved it too, or if you like, don't comment at all, because you just don't care either way.
Well I tell you, maybe someday I'll get this in a post. It's so hard to write about this, I just hope that someday I find the words.
November 9, 2009
There's this post going around in my head.