September 1, 2009

What is this I feel?

What is going on?

Every day lately has brought new sensations, new ways of looking at things, everyday things, people, nature, everything.

I feel like there is so much going on that I can’t see, things I have wanted to know, to verify, and I’m finally getting a taste of what’s out there.

I just read a wonderful blog post about being an empath. I have felt for most of my life that I was an empath, and now I am learning how true that is, but not in the way I originally thought.

I started my pagan path with a ton of ego, only 4 months ago, with a desire to understand the nature of the spiritual, without having a freakin clue as to what “spiritual” really meant.

Like most men, or at least how I think most men would approach this, I went in full bore, thinking, oh yeah, this’ll be cool, I’ll have “powers”.

Delusions of f*^%ing grandeur, that’s what that was.

I had so much ego to overcome, it’s amazing I could see past the end of my own nose.

Now, things are starting to happen. I haven’t gotten over my ego yet, far from it. What I have done is to learn to see myself as a being of energy, not this pompous self image I’ve taught myself for years that was me.

I am lucky, no, blessed, to have a very close friend with me, guiding me, slapping me around, letting me know when I’m getting too full of myself. She has shown me that to reach my goals, to do what I am here to do, takes one step at a time, and that I must be mindful not to make it “all about me”. Of course on that note I have been failing miserably.

There is so much more research and meditation I need to do, so much more info to ingest. Who are these gods and goddesses, and which ones are “mine”? I am certain of one, Cernunnos, I have seen him in two visions, and, he introduced me to my first totem animal, a stag.

If the next four months are anything like the first, I know there will be more sensations, more introductions, more growth on my part, and that’s the thing, everything else was already there, it was me, or my ego, that kept me from seeing, feeling, knowing.

Ever since I started down this path, I have been influenced primarily from the female perspective on being a witch, (which by the way is a term I thought was reserved only for women, typical male) and now I see why.

I needed it.

I thought I understood what being a woman was (having never actually been one), yeah right!

I thought I was in touch with my “feminine” side (“hey, I’m an emotional guy”), pfffft, as if!

Thanks to every single one of the female witches I have come across, I am learning what it is not just to be a male, or a female, but what it is to be a being of light and energy that is just like all the other beings of light and energy that inhabit this planet. No one greater, no one less.

And I couldn’t be happier knowing.


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Anonymous said...

sweetheat, just go with the flow.
You sound like you're already there...just don't fight everything so much!
We don't need another female witch...what's so wrong with you being a representative of the God?
You are already in touch with mention him twice...why not see where he leads you?
I loved reading ALL your posts...your daughters are very lucky to have a father like you.
Mine vanished in the sixties and his replacement drank himself to nothing, to him it was "women's things".
I look forward to reading your other posts...remember is okay to be a bloke...really!