September 15, 2009

New light

In my last post I laid a lot of my feelings out there, and then when I started reading the comments left by everyone, it inspired me to write more, because there is more I have to say.

As one person put it, (*ahem, Celia*) I am seeing everything in a new light.

Most of all, myself.

I had no idea 5 months ago that I would be like this today, but now I can barely remember what I was then. My whole world has changed, at least in terms of how I view myself, the world, the universe, everything.

Many of you have been on a pagan spiritual path for many years, and I can see from your blogs that you are some of the most caring, tolerant, openminded people I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting". You have a love for the earth, and all of its creatures (well almost all of them, the jury is still out on some of the crawly flying and/or bitey variety), and your view of the universe and its energies and entities is nothing short of breathtaking, or actually, a breath of fresh air. I don't know what else to say, but THANK YOU!

I've found out that I am more than just flesh and bone. I am a soul, an energy life form if you will, a being of light, and that is what I had been dying to find out, to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't the only one. I did a post a while back that relates to this, called "What if?" , and in that post, I detailed some of my prior spiritual beliefs. I'm just gonna say here for the purposes of keeping this on track that I don't "believe" any more, I feel it, I know it is reality, and it feels so good to finally be able to do that. Being, and knowing, and feeling, what else is the purpose of life! 

Which brings me back to the original reason I started this post, "Me". It's always about me, isn't it? Well, I didn't call this blog "Rayden's Rants" for nothing! This is my blog, so I can "rant" all I want to about me! I can write any damned thing I want to here, and if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to go on reading it, now do they?


38 years of my life have been completely devoted to being something I am not all because of fear. Fear of how others will see me, how they will take things I say, how they will or will not love me or like me because I do or do not do (x) thing. And why? All because I didn't think I was good enough for anyone to love or like me just the way I was. The thing is, it doesn't matter what OTHERS think of me, it matters what I think of myself! There's nothing wrong with me being ME!


All the time and effort I wasted, trying to get the woman who is my wife to go out with me, (see the first installment of "A Man's Life") and it was all because of a fear that I wasn't good enough for her. So, instead of being "ME", I was what I thought she WANTED me to be. What about her being good enough for me? I should have "made my move" so to speak, and if she didn't respond to me favorably in that respect, I should have moved on. Isn't that what normal people do? I should have seen her for what she was, and seen myself for what I was, and realized it would never work. I never once even came close to considering that.

20 YEARS LATER, I GET IT!!!!!!!!

Now that my relationship with my current wife is over for all intents and purposes, and only needs the signature of a judge to make it official, I am on the lookout.

I'm on the lookout for that someone, the woman with the "spark", the one that IS good enough for me, for I will be "ME", not what I think she wants me to be.

Now don't get me wrong folks, this isn't about me having an inflated ego, and thinking I'm better than other people, and that this "woman" of which I speak must meet some standard I have. That isn't it at all. I mean that I will not see women I'm interested in as those who have a standard I must meet, but rather I will meet my own standard, she'll meet her own standard, and I'll let Fate take care of the rest.

I know that one day I will find the "one" for me, and this time, I know that I will be the man I am, confident, strong, fully aware of my own self worth. Fear of what others think no longer drives my actions, and not only in affairs of the heart, but in everyday life as well.

I used to regret a lot of things that I did in my life prior to now, the failed relationships, the opportunities I missed, the paths taken that led to destruction. But now I see them as things that were necessary to bring me to today, they were learning experiences, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

So this is ME everyone, like it or not, here I am!


Aelwyn said...

Great post! :) So positive, and YAY! :)

Anonymous said...

This is awesome! I'm glad you've found a direction to go in. Very positive, and I wish you good luck!

Anonymous said...

As of now, my lad, you are free!
You aren't that person any more, you are now the one you have been aching to could anyone not respect your decisions (whether they agree with them or not)...they were always yours to just didn't know it at the time.
Great change always brings great feelings...pleasure and pain...they do belong together...there is always a little of one in the though, you don't sound like the "Old" Rayden.
You aren't ranting either.
You have made a profound decision and you seem to have finally made peace with yourself...that can only bring positive things.
I look forward to reading how your path turns, and which direction you take along it.
Keep us all posted.

Hyla said...

Great post!

Anonymous said...

I love your attitude and no I don't think you have an ego. I can relate to what you are saying but from a woman's point of view. All I can say is that, don't regret anything you have done. These things are what made you into the person you are today. I have told my friend that I have no regrets because everything I have done or gone through is a life lesson.

Mother's Moon's Message said...

I so agree with you.. like you I am a new one to open up to who "I" am.. It is a releasing feeling that is so hard to describe or explain... Go on and rant... it is your right... Go on being YOU... it is also your right...You think you have seen things now... it is only the beginning... :-)