September 23, 2009

I'm Back

Well I finally feel a little better today, so I thought it would be a great idea to let everyone know, and to thank all of you for your well wishes.

The only problem now is, what to post about?

I've still got lots going on in my mind about my wife and I, our relationship has really changed since we started talking divorce.

The realization that it might really happen has affected both of us deeply, I mean we have been together for 17 years.

I feel like we should split up, we just don't get along anymore, but I feel like she wants us to stay together, she still loves me. I keep asking myself if i still love her, and I keep getting the same answer. I don't think I ever did.

That's not her fault, she has always loved me, but why, why have I not loved her?

I was infatuated with her when we first met, I didn't really "love" her. She filled a void in my life, she gave me the love and attention I craved, and now it seems I no longer have that craving.

I am a schmuck. I should have treated her better, and not been so selfish, and now, the damage is done, and I don't know if it ever can be repaired.

But we shall see.

Thanks for listening blogger friends, Rayden's Rants is back.


Celia (Head Witch of the Hollow) said... me a little favour and read my blog post about my Grandmother...
I'm not trying to push my blog...I just wanted you to read about things from another time and perspective...

You might just need time to work things out in your relationship, who you think it really is worth trying to save it?

Or is this the end?

Hard one to contemplate...
Even harder to advise someone else on what to do...

Brennaein said...


It's definitely not something to think lightly on. But indeed, the great question is: Have you -ever- loved her? Then the answer with another question: What -is- love, really?

It seems that since you're thinking about it, there's a problem. But, in the same respect, rethinking things could reaffirm the reasons you coupled that infatuation with her through your younger years.

I always like to think of it as such: When two souls split, it's as if the other is dying. When they do, eventually die, we look back on the good times we had- and remember those amazing times. Look to your wife and ask yourself- what would it be like if I didn't have her in my life?

Be true to yourself, and true to your loved ones.

Love is the law, love under will.

Good luck, and blessings.


Bella Foxglove said...

Glad to see you are back and feeling a bit better.

Knowing you as long as I have..(has it REALLY been 15 years?), and knowing the other half to the equation, I am aware of the struggles you are going through.

Thinking things through, making plans and goals and working towards those goals are key in my opinion...with or with out her.

I also left you an award over on my page, so check it out...

Mother's Moon's Message said...

not an easy decision at all. And truly one only you can make. It seems that there is so much advice at a time like this and good counsel is not a bad thing, yet when it comes down to it, the decision is yours. You know yourself best. I wish you wisdom and strength to make the one that you feel is best.

Rue said...

Wow - you have alot to think about. I'm glad you are in a clearer space though, and are feeling better. It's going to be quite a journey for you, either way.

Magaly Guerrero said...

I'm glad you are back. I was gone for a bit too, so I didn't have time to notice your absence much.

I'm also happy you found some clarity and peace. Please don't be so hard on yourself, I doubt you are schmuck. We are selfish beings, so it is hard to turn down love especially when we are feeling kind of lonely. Like you said, you didn't mean to hurt her and life happens. Just don't do it again! lol