September 27, 2009

It's my fault

Yup, that's right folks, it's my fault.


Everything.


Taking responsibility seems to have been something I lacked up until recently.


I have had a habit of blaming others for my problems.


But I have seen things with my "new" eyes, seen my life for what it really is, a series of choices that I alone made, and the consequences of those choices.


Did you ever look back at things that happened in your life, a job you lost, a relationship that failed, and try to blame others?


I sure have.


Take another look at it, and see if maybe the person who should be blamed is YOU.


I did.


Everything I think on these days is related on moving forward, getting on with my "new" life, and I'm finding it to be more difficult than I thought.


Part of the problem is even in how people see "me". How can I make them see how I've changed, when all they want to see is what they know, what is familiar?


So, who is to blame? ME.


I am still showing the "old" me, and why?


Because I haven't changed that much at all.


I am still me, but now I am aware of it.


Aware that I have never taken responsibility for what I should, I drank a good portion of my life away, and pretty much caused a lot of problems wherever I went.


And that my friends, is what hurts.


Hurts me like a sword through my heart.


"If onlys" come swelling up daily now, but I can't let myself feel them.


Self pity will lead to more destruction and pain.


I MUST go on with life, focus on an upward direction, positive results.


And above all, blame only me, for in the end, it's my life, the one I made.


I have had a few dream/visions over the past few months, and in one of them the god Cernunnos told me a warrior has courage, not fear.


Do you know what the difference is between courage and fear?


Courage is being scared out of your mind, and yet forging on anyway.


I needed to learn the courage to take responsibility for my family, my daughters, do what I should do as a father, and a man.


It has been a profound experience for me on this pagan path, but it has also brought a sense of loss, a sense of holy crap I've pissed away 20 years of my life.


I have been awakened, but much later than some, and I am feeling very stupid. I've never felt "stupid" in my life, hell, I was always the "smart" one.


I know however that everything has happened for a reason, it HAD to happen this way, or I would not learn what I needed to. My soul, like everyone else's, chose certain lessons to learn in this lifetime, and learn them it is.


Soul. Yeah. That was one of the lessons. I have finally "connected" with my soul, the real "me".


All the ego that has dominated my life has been stripped away, and I am left knowing that all I have done, all that I am, is for a purpose.


That purpose? To live. To do. To be.


Whatever I become, will be my fault, and my fault alone.


Oh and one more thing. Never, ever, ever, think you are too old to start learning the real lessons of life, cause if you aren't learning, you are dead. Not in the physical sense especially, but I know for a time, for me, I was dead mentally.


I'm just glad somebody brought me back, revived me, and now, I can go on with life.


I can live.



4 comments:

Celia (Head Witch of the Hollow) said...

Couldn't agree with you more!

Mother's Moon's Message said...

you truly do have courage... it is a hard path to walk and realize your own responsibility.. harder still to admit them... Your entry was refreshing... My thoughts are with you on your journey...

Anastasia said...

I love reading your blog. I sometimes feel like I could have posted some of the same things.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and that the things we think are mistakes are life lessons.

Hang in there!

The Traveler said...

It's really hard to face the person in the mirror because there is always the chance that we will see a stranger staring back. you've already done the scariest part, hang in there for the follow through!