Gorgeous day

Today is a gorgeous day outside.


I think I will get out today, maybe look for a job, just get out and get some of this funk off of me that I've been in for the last few weeks.


Then maybe tomorrow I can start to live again.

It's my fault

Yup, that's right folks, it's my fault.


Everything.


Taking responsibility seems to have been something I lacked up until recently.


I have had a habit of blaming others for my problems.


But I have seen things with my "new" eyes, seen my life for what it really is, a series of choices that I alone made, and the consequences of those choices.


Did you ever look back at things that happened in your life, a job you lost, a relationship that failed, and try to blame others?


I sure have.


Take another look at it, and see if maybe the person who should be blamed is YOU.


I did.


Everything I think on these days is related on moving forward, getting on with my "new" life, and I'm finding it to be more difficult than I thought.


Part of the problem is even in how people see "me". How can I make them see how I've changed, when all they want to see is what they know, what is familiar?


So, who is to blame? ME.


I am still showing the "old" me, and why?


Because I haven't changed that much at all.


I am still me, but now I am aware of it.


Aware that I have never taken responsibility for what I should, I drank a good portion of my life away, and pretty much caused a lot of problems wherever I went.


And that my friends, is what hurts.


Hurts me like a sword through my heart.


"If onlys" come swelling up daily now, but I can't let myself feel them.


Self pity will lead to more destruction and pain.


I MUST go on with life, focus on an upward direction, positive results.


And above all, blame only me, for in the end, it's my life, the one I made.


I have had a few dream/visions over the past few months, and in one of them the god Cernunnos told me a warrior has courage, not fear.


Do you know what the difference is between courage and fear?


Courage is being scared out of your mind, and yet forging on anyway.


I needed to learn the courage to take responsibility for my family, my daughters, do what I should do as a father, and a man.


It has been a profound experience for me on this pagan path, but it has also brought a sense of loss, a sense of holy crap I've pissed away 20 years of my life.


I have been awakened, but much later than some, and I am feeling very stupid. I've never felt "stupid" in my life, hell, I was always the "smart" one.


I know however that everything has happened for a reason, it HAD to happen this way, or I would not learn what I needed to. My soul, like everyone else's, chose certain lessons to learn in this lifetime, and learn them it is.


Soul. Yeah. That was one of the lessons. I have finally "connected" with my soul, the real "me".


All the ego that has dominated my life has been stripped away, and I am left knowing that all I have done, all that I am, is for a purpose.


That purpose? To live. To do. To be.


Whatever I become, will be my fault, and my fault alone.


Oh and one more thing. Never, ever, ever, think you are too old to start learning the real lessons of life, cause if you aren't learning, you are dead. Not in the physical sense especially, but I know for a time, for me, I was dead mentally.


I'm just glad somebody brought me back, revived me, and now, I can go on with life.


I can live.

Blog Award!!

I can't believe it, but here it is! My very first blog award!


I am truly honored and flattered that Bella Foxglove chose me as one of her 7 recipients. Thank you so much Bella!

Here are the award rules:

1.) Thank the person who gave this to you.
2.) Copy the logo and place it in your blog.
3.) Link the person who nominated you.
4.) Name 7 things about yourself that no one would really know.
5.) Nominate seven 'Kreativ Bloggers.'
6.) Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7.) Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

7 things about me that no one would really know, hmmmmm.


1.) I am absolutely in love with Edwards brand Hershey creme pie.


2.) I collect old computer hardware, actually any "old" electronic stuff, but only if it still works. Well that's not true, I'd say only if it is in one piece.


3.) I have "Dorf on Golf" starring Tim Conway practically memorized, I think it's the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.


4.) The second most hilarious thing I've ever seen is the Jerry Lewis movie "Cracking Up". And then of course there is Jim Carrey's movies.


5.) I am a big fan of SpongeBob Squarepants. I especially like Mr. Krabs.


6.) I am a veritable encyclopedia of useless facts no one cares about, so of course, when anyone has a question about something they don't know about, they come to me. It sucks to be the brainiac sometimes.


7.) I love to take apart laptops, it's a disease I swear. I find excuses to take them apart, whereas most people run and hide from the mere thought of having to open one up. Being unemployed at the moment has taken me away from my addiction, but it's still there, haunting me, I need my laptop fix!! LOL




And now, for my 7 nominees, in no particular order:


1.) Deep Inside My Broom Closet
2.) The Domestic Witch
3.) The Forgotten Muse
4.) It's the Moments, Not the Milestones
5.) Candles and Wicks
6.) Pagan Culture
7.) Hedgewitch Hollow


I am grateful to have the chance to do this, I think everyone I read deserves some kind of award for "putting themselves out there" as it were. I enjoy reading about all of you, and your daily lives. If you haven't checked out these blogs yet, please do, they are wonderful people, and inspire me with every post they write.

I'm Back

Well I finally feel a little better today, so I thought it would be a great idea to let everyone know, and to thank all of you for your well wishes.


The only problem now is, what to post about?


I've still got lots going on in my mind about my wife and I, our relationship has really changed since we started talking divorce.


The realization that it might really happen has affected both of us deeply, I mean we have been together for 17 years.


I feel like we should split up, we just don't get along anymore, but I feel like she wants us to stay together, she still loves me. I keep asking myself if i still love her, and I keep getting the same answer. I don't think I ever did.


That's not her fault, she has always loved me, but why, why have I not loved her?


I was infatuated with her when we first met, I didn't really "love" her. She filled a void in my life, she gave me the love and attention I craved, and now it seems I no longer have that craving.


I am a schmuck. I should have treated her better, and not been so selfish, and now, the damage is done, and I don't know if it ever can be repaired.


But we shall see.


Thanks for listening blogger friends, Rayden's Rants is back.

I'm sick

Just wanted to check in and say I'm alive, but I've been sick for almost 4 days now. Something that's been through everyone else in the house and has finally found me. Sinus, chest, and throat issues. Not pretty.


I will be back up soon I hope, and will get in a post soon, but until then, have a good weekend everybody!!

New light

In my last post I laid a lot of my feelings out there, and then when I started reading the comments left by everyone, it inspired me to write more, because there is more I have to say.


As one person put it, (*ahem, Celia*) I am seeing everything in a new light.


Most of all, myself.


I had no idea 5 months ago that I would be like this today, but now I can barely remember what I was then. My whole world has changed, at least in terms of how I view myself, the world, the universe, everything.


Many of you have been on a pagan spiritual path for many years, and I can see from your blogs that you are some of the most caring, tolerant, openminded people I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting". You have a love for the earth, and all of its creatures (well almost all of them, the jury is still out on some of the crawly flying and/or bitey variety), and your view of the universe and its energies and entities is nothing short of breathtaking, or actually, a breath of fresh air. I don't know what else to say, but THANK YOU!


I've found out that I am more than just flesh and bone. I am a soul, an energy life form if you will, a being of light, and that is what I had been dying to find out, to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't the only one. I did a post a while back that relates to this, called "What if?" , and in that post, I detailed some of my prior spiritual beliefs. I'm just gonna say here for the purposes of keeping this on track that I don't "believe" any more, I feel it, I know it is reality, and it feels so good to finally be able to do that. Being, and knowing, and feeling, what else is the purpose of life! 


Which brings me back to the original reason I started this post, "Me". It's always about me, isn't it? Well, I didn't call this blog "Rayden's Rants" for nothing! This is my blog, so I can "rant" all I want to about me! I can write any damned thing I want to here, and if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to go on reading it, now do they?


THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING!!!!!!!!!


38 years of my life have been completely devoted to being something I am not all because of fear. Fear of how others will see me, how they will take things I say, how they will or will not love me or like me because I do or do not do (x) thing. And why? All because I didn't think I was good enough for anyone to love or like me just the way I was. The thing is, it doesn't matter what OTHERS think of me, it matters what I think of myself! There's nothing wrong with me being ME!


NOW I FINALLY GET IT!!!!!!!


All the time and effort I wasted, trying to get the woman who is my wife to go out with me, (see the first installment of "A Man's Life") and it was all because of a fear that I wasn't good enough for her. So, instead of being "ME", I was what I thought she WANTED me to be. What about her being good enough for me? I should have "made my move" so to speak, and if she didn't respond to me favorably in that respect, I should have moved on. Isn't that what normal people do? I should have seen her for what she was, and seen myself for what I was, and realized it would never work. I never once even came close to considering that.


20 YEARS LATER, I GET IT!!!!!!!!






Now that my relationship with my current wife is over for all intents and purposes, and only needs the signature of a judge to make it official, I am on the lookout.


I'm on the lookout for that someone, the woman with the "spark", the one that IS good enough for me, for I will be "ME", not what I think she wants me to be.


Now don't get me wrong folks, this isn't about me having an inflated ego, and thinking I'm better than other people, and that this "woman" of which I speak must meet some standard I have. That isn't it at all. I mean that I will not see women I'm interested in as those who have a standard I must meet, but rather I will meet my own standard, she'll meet her own standard, and I'll let Fate take care of the rest.




I know that one day I will find the "one" for me, and this time, I know that I will be the man I am, confident, strong, fully aware of my own self worth. Fear of what others think no longer drives my actions, and not only in affairs of the heart, but in everyday life as well.


I used to regret a lot of things that I did in my life prior to now, the failed relationships, the opportunities I missed, the paths taken that led to destruction. But now I see them as things that were necessary to bring me to today, they were learning experiences, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.


So this is ME everyone, like it or not, here I am!

A Man's Life (Part II)

Well here it is, a month and two, well three days later.


The second installment of A Man's Life.


In that post I talked about the sunny side of life with my wife and kids.


These days, life is not so wonderful.


I have come to the realization that my wife and I are simply not compatible with each other, at least not as husband and wife.


My constant smothering behavior, doting on her, showering her with love and compliments were signs of a larger issue.


I had self esteem issues. I treated her that way thinking I wasn't good enough for her, and that the person I was inside wouldn't appeal to her.


My craving for love and affection caused me to become someone I was not, and she bought it. She saw me as a person who would cater to her, give in to her, and never challenge her on anything. Because of my actions, she was under the mistaken impression that I would never exert my opinion, but give her whatever she wanted.


And then of course the inevitable happened.


One day I had finally had enough of doting on her, and decided to not let her have whatever she wanted, and decided I wasn't going to be a spineless pushover anymore. I didn't care anymore whether she liked it or not, I wanted my opinion to matter, and that's when the the arguing started.


Simple stuff at first, just me wanting to spend time with friends, rather than her. Well that wasn't about to happen without a long drawn out argument with her bringing up everything she could as to why I shouldn't. It then escalated into other parts of our lives, where to spend money, who gets to go to school to learn a new trade, even everyday life stuff like what to have for dinner. No can do. No amount of logical reasoning would get her to budge. She simply did not have the ability to compromise with me. It never occurred to me during the doting and smothering phase that I was effectively letting her "wear the pants" in the family. Now here I was trying to take that role, and she wasn't willing to give it up.


To make a very long story short, this arguing continued, to the point I have found that there is very little we can agree upon. Everything we want to do, where we live, what jobs we have, the music we like, the people we want to associate with, all different. Our hopes and dreams and aspirations for our children are different, even where we want them to go to school, what activities we feel they should be a part of, and ultimately, how they should be raised. It always has to be her way, her timetable, and my opinion is irrelevant. She even feels it's ok to dictate to me what I "should" be doing, and she thinks it's ok to get me to do things for her, little stuff she can do herself, bugging me incessantly every 5 minutes. And in her mind, I'm an asshole for wanting things my way. 


I can't say I blame her for this attitude, I mean I made this bed, so now I have to lay in it. Even though to some it may seem that I'm bashing her for having this frame of mind, I feel it necessary to mention that I don't feel that I am "right" all the time. She has a lot of great ideas, she's a great mom, but I do feel that since I am an adult, my opinions and ideas should at least be considered and discussed, and in most cases she is unwilling to do so.


There is one thing we have agreed upon.


We've agreed to get a divorce. We are completely amicable on this fact, realizing that we are going in different directions, even agreed already that we will have joint custody of the kids. The problem is money.


I am unemployed at the moment, and the job she has doesn't pay enough for basic bills even, so getting a divorce isn't going to happen yet.


Because of our money issues, we have been staying with her mother for the last 2 years, and that's been making things all the more difficult between us.


I have been actively searching for a job, but with the current economic conditions, the jobs are few and far between. I had a job working on computers last year, but got laid off when they closed the store. It frustrates me that I'm having such a problem finding a job, but I have come to the realization that I must leave. Get my own place, start building another life. 


I feel that being with her has held me back from being able to do things, make decisions that could ultimately help my family, my daughters, to have a better life. Her inability to compromise has caused me to miss out on opportunities I felt would benefit us as a family, and living on my own would allow me to chart my own course, and ultimately help provide a life for my daughters that they deserve, without having to filter things through her first.


I don't mean it to sound like everything I have done is perfect. I have had issues with keeping a job, because I used to have a drinking problem. I have not been a good provider for my family, so as far as the money issues go I place the blame squarely on MY shoulders. And no, I have not been an attentive husband to my wife in a long time, but how can I, when all she wants is for me to do what she wants, with no regard for anything I want? Is that fair? AM I an ahole because I don't cater to her every whim? She is not all bad, I don't think that, but it is hard to get along with someone who has no regard for the feelings of others. 


Do I still love her? Yes, but not like I did, or at least thought I did. That young, wet behind the ears boy that first laid eyes on her back in '92 no longer exists, and in his place is a much more knowledgeable and experienced man who is aware that love is not always what it seems. 


I was infatuated with her, I didn't love her. She gave me the love and attention I craved, so in order to make sure I didn't lose it, I felt the need to show her how much I "loved" her too. Once the need for constant validation went away, and I started to be myself, the relationship blew up in my face.


The thing is, I'm not sad or angry about it at all. I call it a lesson learned. I have addressed the reasons I felt like I was love and affection starved.


The first was to realize my own self worth, and to love myself for who and what I am, because without that, I can not truly love anyone else.


The second thing was to realize that me doting and catering to someone else is just me looking for validation, because inside I am not spineless, or a pushover, which is how I end up looking.


The third thing I've learned, and maybe this is the most important, is that I have found that I am a very selfish person, always making things about me. I have so much to learn about what it means to love someone, and how I SHOULD be treating others, I can scarcely put it into words.


What about how she feels? Maybe I am an ahole, I mean, the way I've treated her, how else should she react? What about all the other people in my life, what am I doing for them? Am I caring for them, or being too worried about how I want things?


I think I know the answer.

Still here

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in a blah kind of mood.

The full moon always seems to put me in SOME kind of a mood, and I never know what it will be, this time it was just BLAH.

I'm still looking for a good layout for Halloween, and I appreciate the feedback I got from everyone. I'm sure I'll find one that will suit me, hopefully before the end of this month.

I posted an entry about a month ago (wow has it been that long?) about my wife and girls, and in it I said "More on this later" several times. I do intend to elaborate on those things soon, there's a lot on my mind concerning them. So watch for that to happen in the next week or so, possibly earlier.

My studies have taken a hit lately as well. I just can't seem to make time to do the research I need to do. As I am still so new to this path I have so much yet to learn, and I am thankful I have so many wonderful blogs to read that are chock full of information concerning being a witch and a pagan.

So this is life as it is today. I'm finally out of my BLAH mood, and things are looking up. Time to buckle down and get some stuff DONE. Maybe I'll post again later, it's starting to form in my mind.................

Help!

I'm having a real issue here.


I'm trying to find a new template to dress up my blog for Mrs. B's 31 days of Halloween (see the button on my right column) and I just can't seem to find anything I like.


What I want is something that says "I'm a witch, but I'm a dude".


What am I gonna do?


I could get ghosts, or pumpkins, or skulls, you know, traditional halloween themes, but I really want something different.


I guess I may have to make one of my own, but how the heck do I do that?


I don't know much about XML, or HTML, or any other code words that mean I can write "code" to make a page that will show up on a computer screen.


The sad part is, I am a computer repair tech, among other things.


I just don't do software. Hardware is my thing. Motherboards, hard drives, processors, ram, you know, that stuff. All the stuff in the box on or next to your desk. Oh and I have a thing for taking apart laptops, I find excuses to tear them open. It's a disease, I swear. (Fortunately I can also put them back together in a functional state again, lol)


But I digress.


I'm still looking, but maybe some of you out there have some ideas for me?


I need all the help I can get.

A poem of sorts, aka The Crystal

I dabble in writing poetry of sorts now and then, and this is my latest piece.

Let me know what you think, I appreciate any and all critiques of my work.

The Crystal


I see a clear, shiny crystal, with millions of facets, like a diamond in the blackness of my mind.


Suspended in the middle of a cavernous void, no visible tethers or supports, shining like a star in the night.


Then I bring the light.


Streaming from above, bright, glorious light, of many colors, of all the colors.


White, orange, red, green, purple, pink, blue, yellow, every shade between.



Striking the crystal, filling it, then, in a blinding flash, cascading through each facet to fill every corner of the cavern.


And there is peace, there is healing, and most of all, there is love.


There are others, crystals like mine, shining in the dark.


I see the light leap from mine to theirs, the stream joining, linking these diamonds in the dark.


All traces of the sludge of despair, fear, and anger disappear, replaced by the pure and wonderful love of the universe.


And that's when I realize that this crystal, this many faceted diamond, is me.


My soul.


My body merely a vessel, a transport if you will, between planes.


Words cannot adequately describe a revelation like this.


Me. My soul. Everyone's soul.


Wow.

What is this I feel?

What is going on?

Every day lately has brought new sensations, new ways of looking at things, everyday things, people, nature, everything.

I feel like there is so much going on that I can’t see, things I have wanted to know, to verify, and I’m finally getting a taste of what’s out there.

I just read a wonderful blog post about being an empath. I have felt for most of my life that I was an empath, and now I am learning how true that is, but not in the way I originally thought.

I started my pagan path with a ton of ego, only 4 months ago, with a desire to understand the nature of the spiritual, without having a freakin clue as to what “spiritual” really meant.

Like most men, or at least how I think most men would approach this, I went in full bore, thinking, oh yeah, this’ll be cool, I’ll have “powers”.

Delusions of f*^%ing grandeur, that’s what that was.

I had so much ego to overcome, it’s amazing I could see past the end of my own nose.

Now, things are starting to happen. I haven’t gotten over my ego yet, far from it. What I have done is to learn to see myself as a being of energy, not this pompous self image I’ve taught myself for years that was me.

I am lucky, no, blessed, to have a very close friend with me, guiding me, slapping me around, letting me know when I’m getting too full of myself. She has shown me that to reach my goals, to do what I am here to do, takes one step at a time, and that I must be mindful not to make it “all about me”. Of course on that note I have been failing miserably.

There is so much more research and meditation I need to do, so much more info to ingest. Who are these gods and goddesses, and which ones are “mine”? I am certain of one, Cernunnos, I have seen him in two visions, and, he introduced me to my first totem animal, a stag.

If the next four months are anything like the first, I know there will be more sensations, more introductions, more growth on my part, and that’s the thing, everything else was already there, it was me, or my ego, that kept me from seeing, feeling, knowing.

Ever since I started down this path, I have been influenced primarily from the female perspective on being a witch, (which by the way is a term I thought was reserved only for women, typical male) and now I see why.

I needed it.

I thought I understood what being a woman was (having never actually been one), yeah right!

I thought I was in touch with my “feminine” side (“hey, I’m an emotional guy”), pfffft, as if!

Thanks to every single one of the female witches I have come across, I am learning what it is not just to be a male, or a female, but what it is to be a being of light and energy that is just like all the other beings of light and energy that inhabit this planet. No one greater, no one less.

And I couldn’t be happier knowing.

 

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