March 23, 2010

My life, today

Hello again, and welcome to my life. My new life as a single man. Well at least in living conditions, the paperwork has yet to be filed. It's going on three weeks since I moved out, and the adjustment is proceeding well. I didn't know I would be so petrified at first, having to do things completely on my own. I had become so accustomed to someone always being there to assist me, that I literally didn't know what to do when I finally had the ability to choose things for myself. However, the strings have not yet been fully cut, as, due to my continuing lack of employment, I am still relying on her for financial support. It gives me no pleasure to have to do that, as the whole point of moving out on my own was to have the freedom to do as I want, and not to have to rely on someone else to provide for me. But I am doing well looking for a job, my effort is good. There's still so much I have to do, such as actually get my own place, as for the moment I am relying on a friend to provide me with a roof over my head. That's basically all he and his girlfriend are doing for me, so for the most part, I can consider myself about 70 percent single, on my own.

Why do I go on and on about this? Because for the last 38 years, I have not been single, not in the true sense of the word. Always there has been someone, always doing for me, or somehow providing for my needs, and therefore, I have always had someone I had to "answer" to, always had to consider someone else's needs before my own. Frankly, I got tired of it. So I left. Of course, that wasn't the only motivation behind my move. I have documented on this blog in the past my issues with my wife, mainly the fact that she and I are just not compatible in a romantic relationship. We fought tooth and nail over the simplest of things, and while that in itself isn't unusual, the fact that we have different views on just about everything that is important IS the reason we aren't compatible. Spiritual goals, lifestyle goals, the direction our children's education and location of that education, the list goes on. We agree on very few things. Add to that fact that she is the kind of person that MUST have things go her way or she is impossible to live with, and we find ourselves at the point we are now. About to get a divorce.

There's volumes I could write about how I "feel" about this whole situation, but right now is the time for thinking. I've bogged myself down for too many years worrying about how I was "feeling" about things, and doing very little to actually change them. I can say that this is the right thing that I'm doing, for everyone involved, including my children. They will in the long run have a better life. Sure, they won't see me every day, but they still know that I love them, and that they are taken care of. I don't know what the future holds, but for once I can wake up in the morning and know that whatever I do, I do it because it was my choice, my decision, and not because someone else said I "had" to do it.

With that I will leave you for now, it is late, and there are jobs waiting for me to apply for them when I awake in the morning. Have a good night and day, all you in blogland, and I will report again soon on what has transpired.