December 28, 2009

A vent

First things first, I can not believe it's been over a week since I posted anything. The holiday is partially to blame, being busy and all, like everyone is around such times. But there were other reasons, and in this post, I intend to explain myself.

Christmas these last two years has been especially tough for me personally.  I was laid off from my job at the end of November last year, so as you can imagine there was not money to buy presents for my children. Thankfully, both of the schools that my children attend, the middle and elementary, helped us and provided presents for them to open on Christmas day. So they did have presents, last year, and this year. I should be happy, and on one hand I am, but on the other hand it just makes me feel like crap. I'm their father, it should be ME giving them gifts, ME providing a good Christmas, not their SCHOOL!

It's not like I haven't tried. I AM looking for a job. Have been now for over a year, ever since I was first unemployed. There just seems to be no jobs, or none that my resume seems to make me qualified for. On one end, I am underqualified, not enough experience, no certifications, too many gaps in employment. On the other hand, I am overqualified, I have an associate's degree, I am 38 years old, and have a job history on my resume that says "He really doesn't WANT to work at Mickey D's, plus, we'd have to pay him too much."

So, what do I do? Put a gun to someone's head, and force them to give me a job? If you asked my wife, the shrew that she is and has become, that's exactly what I need to do. You know, because of course, since I've been without a job so long, that makes me a bum, a no good loser who will never again have gainful employment. Mind you I don't believe for one second that I am a bum, or a loser, but in the eyes of a spouse, it kinda DOES make you look like one being out of a job so long.

Something else related to that has been bugging the shit out of me too. The laws in this state require you to live apart from your spouse for a year before they will grant a divorce. A reasonable law, makes sense, I mean if you really want a divorce, you probably don't want to live with that person anymore. But, without a job, I have no income, no way to pay rent somewhere else, let alone to pay for the divorce itself. Each day that goes by, still living with her, means that year of time away gets longer, and longer. I could have been almost done with that year, had I found a job already. DONE! But no. No job, no new place, no new life. I have mentally let go of everything, and started on my new path. Ok, great. Now, to find a way to physically make it happen. I can tell you this. It certainly doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.

Well, there it is. My venting is done. I don't spend too much time going on about "oh woe is me" these days, as it is generally counterproductive, but even the greatest warrior has to sometimes vent his frustrations. Things may change tomorrow, or next week, or next month, who knows? It will happen at the right time, when preparation meets opportunity. So for now, my friends, thank you for listening, and I hope everyone has a joyous and prosperous New Year. Love and light, and brightest blessings to all of you!

The Stag Warrior


Lyon said...

I know pretty well what it can feel like to want so badly to jump but with it seeming like life just won't move out of the way to provide a window to jump through.

All I can say is keep on keeping on and when the time is right, a way will appear.

It's not very comforting, but sometimes, that's all we have to hold onto. And trust that it's the truth.

Ryan Sutton said...

*hugs* I don't know what to say really, but I want you to know I'm here for you if you need to talk. I know I haven't been for quite some time, and .. that's been my own life drama standing in my way. But I'm here.