December 2, 2009

My next post

It's been a few days since I posted, but mostly just because I haven't been online as much as I'd like these days. I went on that trip to get my brother-in-law's car, which was for the most part uneventful. It was the first time in a very long time that the wife and I slept in a bed together, and away from the kids. Naturally, our instincts kicked in, and we did the deed. No, that was me, doing all the work while she laid there. All about her, how she wants it. I got my orgasm, if you can call it that, and she got hers, but I didn't even get to go in. TMI, I know, sorry, but it's just the way things happen for me with her. I can't say really that I mind all that much, as she decided a couple of years ago to let someone else do that for the better part of two years. It's part of the reason I haven't wanted to do anything with her. It's also one of the main reasons why I don't want to continue being married to her. So it is what it is. Every so often she is useful for sex, but most of the time I don't want to have anything to do with her. She is unreasonable and completely incapable of compromise, so I'm done with it.

Keep in mind this is not intended as a bitch session, these are just the facts. I've already gone through all the emotional crap someone does in a situation like this, I'm just biding my time until the money is available for me to move out. I still haven't gotten a job, but as I posted last week, I intend to start my own laptop repair business, and say screw working for someone else. It's all talk till I actually do it, and it seems I'm pretty good at just talking about stuff. So enough about that.

I've been feeling very unemotional lately, and I like it. The only emotion that I DO seem to have in abundance is anger. Mostly in having to deal with the shrew. Still not right, but the only time I feel anything now seems like when I am angry. The rest of the time I am just fairly even keeled, which is a welcome change from what I was before. I don't let much of anything bother me, but the shrew knows just how to push the right buttons, or should I say I allow her to. I don't have excuses, it is something I still need to learn to control. I'm working on trying to find the balance, logic to emotion, and so far, I've been to both ends of the spectrum, eventually I'll find the middle ground; in my personal opinion, I'm closer to it now than I've ever been.

Anyway, that's a little of what's going on with me right now, not a whole lot really. Life hasn't changed much in recent months, just the way I look at it has. Gone are the days when I would spend an entire post whining or bitching about how bad things are, or who I'm going to blame for what's happening to me. I'm pleased with the way my thought process is progressing, I'm glad I'm finally grasping the concept of HAVING emotions without necessarily BEING emotional. There's a post coming about that, I'm sure I will lay that one out whenever I feel the need to purge again. Until then I hope everyone has a great day, and I'll talk to you soon.

4 comments:

Lyon said...

My heart breaks for you. I know that's not exactly the response you were expecting with this post, but it's the reaction I'm having.

LJ said...

I really agree with Lyon on this one. I can't really imagine having to live in your situation, right now. And I wish things were better for you, everything you deserve.

Witchy Mom's Homeschool said...

This sounds somewhat like how it was before my ex-husband and I FINALLY got divorced. We took 2 years to save money to move apart from each other, and it was hell on earth. I think it is good that you are able to keep any kind of clear head to process this as it goes on, but I suspect it will help when things finally move along to have already done some processing.

If your wife truly is a shrew, the best thing you can do is keep your cool as much as possible. Unfortunately, hell hath no fury like a woman, and any amo a woman can use later on will be gathered and used (as a woman, I can speak from experience on that one. I'm not proud of it, but there it is).

I really feel for you. It's hard when emotionally you've already moved on, but yet you are stuck living under the same roof for a while. Just spend as much time with friends and out of the house as you can and keep saving - even if you only put $10 away somewhere each week!

Morgaine Pendragon said...

I have to agree with you Rayden, living with someone you don't want to be with JUST SUCKS! The biding time, the waiting...it's stressful to say the least. As you know, I still have to live in the same house with "HIM". And some days I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. He's delusional in that he thinks everything is just peachy and after the bankruptcy goes through things will be "normal" again. He doesn't get that I no longer wish to be with him, I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

I feel for you. Hopefully things will work out with you and you will start your business and you can get out of your situation.