Calling all followers!

This is my last post. Yup, my very last. I will no longer be posting after today. No more posts for the rest of the year. My next post will be next year. In 2010. Fortunately, next year starts tomorrow, at least that's what the calendar says. So I guess that means you'll be able to see my next post pretty quickly. And now that I have your attention, I would like to request a favor. If this post appeared on your blogger dashboard, and you were able to click on it and arrive safely here in my blog, please leave me a comment with simply the word "Yes" in it. If not, let me know in perhaps a few details how you arrived here to read this. I am curious after I changed my URL, or "blog address", to see if everyone can still come and see me in the normal fashion. Now, with that out of the way, my last post of the year.......

New Year?

New Year's Day, comes once every year, the first day of the "new" year. The start of yet another day, another month, and yes, another year. But what about the day after that? Or the day after that? Can it not be said that that day too, is the anniversary of another year? The same day appeared last year on the calendar, in the same place, as did the Earth itself appear in the same spot in it's orbit one year earlier. What about July 2nd? It's the first day of the second half of the year, why is that day not celebrated as the grand and glorious halfway point?

My point is this. Every single day of our lives, or of the life of this little blue ball on which we reside can be thought of, from a certain point of view, as a "new year". Think of it like this. How many of us were actually born on January 1st? A percentage of the population to be sure, but for the rest of us, our own personal "new year" starts at a much later date on the calendar. Can it then not be said, again, from a certain point of view, that EVERY day on the calendar is New Year's day? It's the beginning of a new year in a sense for many people, and as I said, each new day is in fact the same day the earth itself was in the same position in space the year before. Well taking into account leap year, and deviations in orbital speed, ok, well, I'll  leave that one to the guys with a degree in orbital mechanics. What I'm really talking about here is the perception of "new" beginnings.

New Year's Day is the day everyone looks to as the beginning, when in fact if we stop and think, every day, every hour, every minute, and yes every second is the beginning of something for someone. Right now, on this, the last day of the calendar year, a small percentage of the population is celebrating their birthday. So for them, it's a new year. Some are getting married today, the beginning of their new lives together. There are probably people starting a new job today, for some of which may turn out to be a lifelong career. Still others are starting the process of obtaining a college education, which will lead to a degree. Every day of the year, someone is starting new. Next year, on this same day, they can look back and say, yup, this is the day it all started.

For me this thought process started with of all things, as one might expect, a glance at a calendar. Not your hang on the wall through that little hole calendar, but one of those fancy cover up your desk varieties that gives you the number of days that have passed in the year, next to how many days are left. Of course I got curious, and decided to look at my birthday, to see what "number" day I was born on. To my surprise, I found that it said my birthday was day 184, and that there were 183 days left in the year. Yes folks, that's how i discovered that July 2nd is the first day of the second half of the year, or it was that year at least. But it got me thinking. Did anyone know? Did anyone care? Why should January 1st and December 31st get all the glory? Or hell, why not break it down into quarters, and bring April and October to the party? Of course this is all pretty ridiculous, and would really get out of hand in a hurry, but my thoughts began to center on why the need at all to celebrate a "new" year? Clearly many days can be considered for the beginning. I mean why not make April 1st the first day of the year?

Now of course if you are a pagan, like me, you are saying, wait, hang on, I celebrate MY new year on Samhain. Not at all a day on the Gregorian calendar that coincides with the start of a "block" of the year, and not even close to the supposed "starting" point. But how many of us really do see it as our "new" year? This is my first year as a pagan, so please don't kill me if I am wrong, but it seems to me, just from reading posts here on blogger, that many pagans still actually celebrate the new year on January 1st. Granted it makes sense to do so, as it IS a new calendar year, and should be celebrated as such, but the gist of what I'm trying to say is more along the lines of not picking a day to celebrate, but to see every day as the start of a new year.

All in all it boils down to this. Let's celebrate the new year every day of the year, find something new to start, something new to accomplish, someone new to meet. Because someone like you, like me, is today considering this day, not tomorrow, as the start of a new year. And maybe we should too.

A vent

First things first, I can not believe it's been over a week since I posted anything. The holiday is partially to blame, being busy and all, like everyone is around such times. But there were other reasons, and in this post, I intend to explain myself.

Christmas these last two years has been especially tough for me personally.  I was laid off from my job at the end of November last year, so as you can imagine there was not money to buy presents for my children. Thankfully, both of the schools that my children attend, the middle and elementary, helped us and provided presents for them to open on Christmas day. So they did have presents, last year, and this year. I should be happy, and on one hand I am, but on the other hand it just makes me feel like crap. I'm their father, it should be ME giving them gifts, ME providing a good Christmas, not their SCHOOL!

It's not like I haven't tried. I AM looking for a job. Have been now for over a year, ever since I was first unemployed. There just seems to be no jobs, or none that my resume seems to make me qualified for. On one end, I am underqualified, not enough experience, no certifications, too many gaps in employment. On the other hand, I am overqualified, I have an associate's degree, I am 38 years old, and have a job history on my resume that says "He really doesn't WANT to work at Mickey D's, plus, we'd have to pay him too much."

So, what do I do? Put a gun to someone's head, and force them to give me a job? If you asked my wife, the shrew that she is and has become, that's exactly what I need to do. You know, because of course, since I've been without a job so long, that makes me a bum, a no good loser who will never again have gainful employment. Mind you I don't believe for one second that I am a bum, or a loser, but in the eyes of a spouse, it kinda DOES make you look like one being out of a job so long.

Something else related to that has been bugging the shit out of me too. The laws in this state require you to live apart from your spouse for a year before they will grant a divorce. A reasonable law, makes sense, I mean if you really want a divorce, you probably don't want to live with that person anymore. But, without a job, I have no income, no way to pay rent somewhere else, let alone to pay for the divorce itself. Each day that goes by, still living with her, means that year of time away gets longer, and longer. I could have been almost done with that year, had I found a job already. DONE! But no. No job, no new place, no new life. I have mentally let go of everything, and started on my new path. Ok, great. Now, to find a way to physically make it happen. I can tell you this. It certainly doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.

Well, there it is. My venting is done. I don't spend too much time going on about "oh woe is me" these days, as it is generally counterproductive, but even the greatest warrior has to sometimes vent his frustrations. Things may change tomorrow, or next week, or next month, who knows? It will happen at the right time, when preparation meets opportunity. So for now, my friends, thank you for listening, and I hope everyone has a joyous and prosperous New Year. Love and light, and brightest blessings to all of you!

The Stag Warrior

A Note

I thought I would take a minute and talk about my transformation from Rayden Darklighter to The Stag Warrior.

As you all know, since I have mentioned it on more than a few occasions, I only recently became a pagan. Of course the longer I say that, the less recent it gets. It's been 9 months now, hardly recent. But anyhow, when I first became a pagan, like many, I just HAD to have a "cool" craft name. Now mind you at the time I didn't see it that way, just that I was getting a new name to symbolize my entrance into this new exclusive club of those who work magic. As you can see I had a lot to learn.

Since that time, I have done more and more soul searching, learning about myself, and the things I needed to do to become "me". Before that I was all ego and selfishness. I still have tons to learn, and in my current situation, without the ability to practice as I would like, I will remain a "newbie" on some things for longer than most. I have learned that the person I am is not just a gushy bag of emotion, but a person who has a lot to offer the world at large. I do not give in to my bouts of extreme emotion, I keep them under control, and channel that energy in a productive direction. There is a purpose for me being here, one being my understanding of the human condition. It allows me to really comprehend the intricacies of what it is we are all here doing, as spiritual or energy life forms having a human experience. Every person has a journey they are on, their own personal journey through this life, to learn whatever lessons each chose for themselves while still on the spiritual plane. It is this journey, this condition, that I am now more aware of than ever before in my life.

In my life. Hmpf. Something that means only this form, this existence. As Rayden, I took a lot of time bitching and griping about the others, the people around me on their own journey, and how what they were doing "made" me into what I was. My patron god, Cernunnos, the epitome of warriors, would have none of that. It took me a while, but once I started really listening to the signs around me, I realized that it was not a warrior's way to act as I had been. Warriors get up and do the job they are required and choose to do, without fear, and without excuses. They know the risks, they know the dangers, but they go and do. Even to the point of laying down their own lives so that others may live. So, my name became The Stag Warrior. I chose to leave my prior existence behind, and forge for myself a new path, one not influenced by fears and indecision. I chose to have the courage to accept myself in this body with its advantages and limitations, and to work through the lessons I chose for myself as a spirit, to be a warrior spirit, with the heart of the stag.

This journey has just begun. Along the way there will be obstacles, some of which I have already conquered. There are many that are still in front of me. One step at a time I will take them on, because they are mine to conquer, to overcome, to process through. Mine alone, for this is my journey. Others will walk with me, others will help and guide me, but ultimately, only I can make it to the end. I will then revert back to the spirit that I am, having finally accomplished what I set out to do, in this, my human experience. This time around.

To that end, the first obstacle I must overcome, past my mental state that I touched on in my last post, is to remove myself physically from the situation at hand. It is necessary to do so in order to "move on", but in more mundane terms it is required by the state in which I reside of one who wants a divorce from their spouse to live apart from that spouse for a period of one year. Therefore, I am making plans to do just that. I have neither the capital nor any resources to accomplish this at the present moment, but there are options available to me that I am working on to gain what I need.

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a most blessed Yule, and may you and yours be safe and happy.

Chapter 2: Obstacles

The path lay before the Stag Warrior, long and windy, stretching into the distance. Mountains were clearly visible, valleys between, surely these would need to be traversed. Thick forests of thorny bristles lined both sides of the path, boulders of various sizes blocked the way. There was a thought in his mind, one he battled to suppress. This path, this journey ahead, it was a little daunting, this would be the hardest thing he ever did. Taking the first step those few days ago now seemed the easy part. 

Just then, he felt something pulling at his leg, causing him to lose his balance and fall roughly on the dusty ground. Seems he had been dragging something along behind him, and he had come to the end of whatever the "something" was. Of course the "something" turned out to be the rope that he now "found" attached to his ankle. He knew this rope well. It was tied at the other end back where he started, joined to a substance, an object he had been dragging along with him for years. It was big, and heavy, and he had been tethered to it for so long he tended to forget the rope was there. Now, as he wanted, no, needed, to continue on this path, with no turning back, he began to work the knot of the rope, desperately wanting to be free. It was a thick rope however, hewn of the best hemp, and the knot would not loosen.


Searching in his weathered and beaten and now very dusty pack, he dug out a hatchet, short, but sharp, with the handle worn and brittle on the end, some of the wood having been lost from years of use and abuse. Placing the rope on top of a stone, he began to hack at it, one thread at a time, shearing it off. Years of weighing him down, slowing him down were going to come to end come hell or high water. Millimeter by millimeter, swing after swing, he began to cut himself free. Shreds began to fall. Some collected at his feet, others were caught up in the short gusts of wind that blew, to be carried off, never to be seen again.


Finally, after what seemed an eternity, and after countless blows, the rope was severed. He sat for a moment, taking a deep breath. It was done. The last vestiges of what he was, what he had been, were now away, gone, no longer to plague him. What was left now was the knot, and only the knot. He would remember, but not be hampered on his journey.


He smiled. He got up, dusted himself off, and set out again. Toward the boulders, toward the forest of bristles, and the valleys, and mountains. This would not be so bad after all.

Chapter 1: The First Step

The Stag Warrior stirred, the morning sun hitting his sleeping form as he lay on the rocky ground, his pack under his head as a pillow. The rays crept up his body till they reached his face, to his eyes, and at that he awoke, squinting. The day had arrived. Time for his journey to begin.

He had been waiting for this day, he had just not known it before. All his life he had been prepared for it, been taught what he needed to learn to survive. All the trials, the tests, all to culminate in this moment. The day he set out on his own. The day he cut all the ties, all the burdens, and left to forge his own way. His spirit guides, his totem animal, the stag, to walk with him, his thoughts one with their energy.

Many years he had been with others. Never having his own path, never creating his own destiny. It had become a comfort of sorts, to walk the path of the others, to have the security, to know that someone would always be there to bail him out, to save him from the difficulties the journey brought forth. Always, allowing others to control the direction his path would take.

But this journey, this morning, would be only his own. Oh, there will still be others with him, but this time, only he to determine his destiny. He got up, aware now of the chaos around him, its presence constant, so as to be idle background noise, the troubles of everyday life like a sandstorm beating his face, but only to the point he blinked a bit. Then he gazed out, out there, to the unknown. The path was waiting for him, he only need to take the first step. Leave everything else behind, take that first step to a different path than the others.

The doubts swirl in his mind like the sandstorm around him. Where will he go? What will he do? What obstacles lay ahead? In his mind's eye he brushes all the doubts and fears aside, and then...........

He takes that step.

New look, new title, new name

No, it's ok folks, you haven't stumbled into the wrong blog, it's still me, the former Rayden Darklighter, and this is the former Rayden's Rants.

I decided to change my whole blog, the layout, the title, my button, and most importantly, my name. I have entered a new chapter in my life, actually the way I see it my life has just begun. My blog will continue as it has been, as a place for me to write down my thoughts and opinions as I journey down my path, the path of the Stag Warrior. No longer will I refer to myself as Rayden Darklighter in these posts, as that part of my life is behind me. I am the Stag Warrior, on a new journey through life, ready to embark on a new chapter, a new fork in the road if you will.

I welcome you to join me as I chronicle the Journey of the Stag Warrior.

A Yule survey

Well it's been a few days since I posted, but Bella over at Memoirs of a Crazy Witch tagged me with this Yule survey, so I'm posting early, well early for me. lol 

This one looks like fun.

1. Have you started Yule shopping yet? No, but usually I would have, this year we don't have any extra money, we'll see what happens.

2. Tell me about one of your special holiday traditions? When I was a kid, my parents had this ceramic Nativity set that on every Christmas Eve, we would put the baby Jesus in the manger and sing Christmas carols. Now, since this year Yule is new to me, I will be looking for new traditions to start.

3. When do you put up your tree? Well, I seem to recollect as a kid we did it soon after Thanksgiving, but my wife's family has done it for years on or the weekend of her birthday (Dec 5), so that's when we do it now.

4. Are you a Black Friday Shopper? I've only been out in the early morning shopping on Black Friday once, and for the life of me I can't remember exactly why, but I do know it had little or nothing to do with any sale. I do remember being morbidly entertained at all the people scurrying about making purchases on things that would be on "sale" again in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Funny how no one ever thinks of that. Like that "sale" price is the rock bottom price they will sell that item at before Christmas finally arrives.

5. Do you travel at Yule or stay at home? I can't remember the last time I traveled at ANY holiday.

6. What is your funniest Yule memory? I would have to say the night I found out there was no Santa Claus. Not funny? Oh, well, to me it was. I was asleep like a good little boy on Christmas Eve, about 5 years old, when I woke up just in time to hear my father ask my mother "Are you gonna get the presents?" Talk about fortuitous timing. To this day I remember it as the luckiest moment of my life, when I verified what I had suspected for quite some time in my short life.

7. What is your favorite Yule movie of all times? I'd have to go with "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" followed by "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Oh, and don't forget "Frosty the Snowman".

8. Do you do any Yule baking and what's your favorite treat? Baking? Um, well, I did make a pie once, which did turn out to be edible. I love pie, especially pumpkin. But the one I really love is Edwards brand Hershey chocolate creme pie, oh the chocolatey goodness of that baby.....

9. Fake or real tree? Fake, although growing up we did have a real tree or two. I wouldn't dream of having a real one now, because the tree usually doesn't make it to January.

10. What day does the actual panic set in to get it all done? Panic? I don't panic, things just don't happen fast enough, lol. Actually, I usually have everything figured out at least a day or two before, so there isn't a "panic".

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Yule Eve? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Yule? When everyone is opening presents and you can't see the floor for the wrapping paper, and you can't hear yourself think for the squeals of delight.............

13. What Yule craft do you like best? I used to love stringing popcorn, but with this crew, it's a disaster of monumental proportions, so I haven't suggested it this year, yet.......

 

14. Yule music? Yes or No, and if yes, what is your favorite song? There's this CD I have, called the Porter Music Box Sound of Christmas, it's beautiful, lots of everyone's favorite carols, played on a large music box that sounds more like bells, I play it incessantly this time of year, reminds me of what I heard as a kid.

15. Do you plan to finish all your shopping? Why yes I do, and thanks for asking, if I ever get it started.

Well, there you have it. Since Yule is a new holiday for me this year, and as I am still currently in the closet, it will probably be next year before any traditions emerge, but for now, I must find the 5 other blogs I must tag. I apologize in advance if you have already been tagged.


And heeeere they are:

Good Mourning, Glory
Deep Inside My Broom Closet
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Lost In Astral Space
rambling of a newbie pagan

My day, some randomness

I'm here again, late at night, with no one else in the house awake, listening to music, and contemplating my day. Spent time with the kids today, got the tree up and decorated, all in all a good day.

I would be lying if I said that the impending holiday hasn't got me just a tick depressed without a job, and the income to buy them presents. I know it's not all about presents, but to a kid, that's ALL it's about. "What am I gonna GET?" When I was a kid, that's all I thought about leading up to the big day. My kids are no different, and it bothers me that I won't be able to go out and buy them stuff to put under the tree. But I know they will be provided for, and will not be wanting for things to unwrap, but still.

I've been thinking a lot about running an ad in craiglist for laptop repair, and I'm working on a pricelist to be better prepared for questions any potential clients may have. I want to undercut the local competition, which won't be hard for some of the prices these businesses charge, but reading some of the ads already on craigslist, it may be harder than I thought. But I am confident that if I put a good enough ad together, I should be able to drum up some business, and more importantly, some income in the next few months.

It's been refreshingly cold here lately, I'm really having fun with the temperatures dropping, summer is just way too hot. I hope it snows soon, I think it's the most beautiful thing, fresh snow on the ground undisturbed.

I've got a couple of random rants here for ya, gimme some feedback on these if you want, I'm seriously curious about this stuff.........

When you go down the highway, and you see a sign that says "Speed checked by detection devices", are you supposed to think they are using a radar gun, as opposed to, say, the naked eye? "Yep, that there car sure looked like it was goin fast, reckon we should pull him over Officer Bob!" Just saying, isn't it a given that the speed of our cars is checked with SOME sort of detection device? I mean why do they have to spell it out?

Another disturbing, or perhaps pleasant (depending on who you talk to) trend that I've seen recently is filmakers making trailers for their films which are different than the actual film. In other words, the scenes in the trailer differ from the scenes in the film, or worse, don't appear in the film at all! Am I the only one that thinks this is annoying? I mean I get all hyped up for weeks before a movie comes out, and expect to see what I saw in the trailer when I go see the movie, and then nothing! I understand the need to keep moviegoers in suspense, but honestly! And the worst part is, a lot of the time the trailer is funnier than the movie! What's up with that?

Ok enough of that, it's late, and I need to go to bed, talk to you soon!

Another day, some more thoughts

It's times like these, late at night, or early in the morning, however you choose to look at it, that I have time to contemplate and reflect on the events of my life as it is at the moment. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes concerned, other times I'm pretty well apathetic. Never seems to be the same from day to day. Whatever the way, these are the times, when everyone else is asleep, that I really feel like I can think things through, without any outside interference, so this is the ideal time for me to write.

I had something I was going to talk about, something about what happened today, but it seems trivial at the moment to me. I don't even remember now what it was. I had a pretty interesting day, starting with getting up earlier than I normally do the take the children to school, something the shrew does much more often than I do. It was different today in that I wasn't in a grumpy mood, as lack of sleep often will bring forth, I was pretty nice for a change. But that wasn't it. There was something else, something that happened. Oh yeah, now I remember. It was the cops showing up at the front door asking about if someone had dialed 911 by accident. I was the only one home at the time, and I said no, since no one had, and then they asked me if there was a female home, as if I had been abusing her or something, they seemed very accusatory. But right then they called the dispatcher, or whatever it is they have, and found out the number that had been called from was from across the street, and they left. Still rattled my chain a little, because I hate even the thought of someone even thinking that I might even remotely be a wife beater. But anyway, such is life sometimes, they were only doing their job, and I applaud the fact that they take the time to check thoroughly to make sure each call is in fact legitimate.

After that happened the rest of the afternoon was pretty routine in picking up the kids from school and getting them to do their homework, etc, until later on, when I had walked away from my computer for a bit, and then when I came back, I was greeted with a surprise. According to my antivirus program, I had somehow contracted a trojan virus while I was away, and it wanted to know what I wanted to do about it. Now being the experienced computer technician I am, it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't in fact a trojan, but a case of mistaken identity by my antivirus program. A friend of mine was experiencing the same issues I had at the exact same time, so I suspected a fault in the antivirus' virus definition database file, which had been recently automatically updated. To make a long story short, it turned out to be two different virus programs fighting each other, so I uninstalled one of them, and now everything is ok. Anyhow, other than that, today has been pretty routine.

There are a few other things I want to mention. First I want to say thank you to those of you who left comments on my last post, your empathetic and sympathetic words mean a lot. Having said that, however, I would like to point out that much of my situation at this moment is of my own doing, and while there are things I cannot control, there is a lot that I can control, and I only need to get off my duff and do something about it. Sure I have days, like everyone else, when I just feel down and depressed, and feel like I'm in a hole I just can't climb out of, but most of the time, I choose to not let it get to me, to be happy. Feeling sorry for myself in my opinion is simply counterproductive. The way I usually describe it is that I made this bed, and now I have to lay in it. I was the one who gave the shrew the impression (in the beginning) that I was at her beck and call, and now she expects it to be the case, so in some ways, I can't blame her for how she feels, or how she treats me, I basically conditioned her to be that way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel like a "victim". It's mostly my fault I am in this predicament, so while I very much appreciate the sympathy everyone has shown me, I don't feel I am deserving of it. There are other people's situations I have read about here in blogland wherein they truly have been or are the "victim" so to speak, and I personally know several people that right now are feeling emotional pain caused by no fault of theirs. One in particular who knows who they are will understand when I say I am sorry you are going through this, and I sincerely hope I can be of some help, or comfort, if you will allow me to be. You will always have my ear, and my heart goes out to you.

I hope this post finds everyone well, and I hope to chat with you again tomorrow.

My next post

It's been a few days since I posted, but mostly just because I haven't been online as much as I'd like these days. I went on that trip to get my brother-in-law's car, which was for the most part uneventful. It was the first time in a very long time that the wife and I slept in a bed together, and away from the kids. Naturally, our instincts kicked in, and we did the deed. No, that was me, doing all the work while she laid there. All about her, how she wants it. I got my orgasm, if you can call it that, and she got hers, but I didn't even get to go in. TMI, I know, sorry, but it's just the way things happen for me with her. I can't say really that I mind all that much, as she decided a couple of years ago to let someone else do that for the better part of two years. It's part of the reason I haven't wanted to do anything with her. It's also one of the main reasons why I don't want to continue being married to her. So it is what it is. Every so often she is useful for sex, but most of the time I don't want to have anything to do with her. She is unreasonable and completely incapable of compromise, so I'm done with it.

Keep in mind this is not intended as a bitch session, these are just the facts. I've already gone through all the emotional crap someone does in a situation like this, I'm just biding my time until the money is available for me to move out. I still haven't gotten a job, but as I posted last week, I intend to start my own laptop repair business, and say screw working for someone else. It's all talk till I actually do it, and it seems I'm pretty good at just talking about stuff. So enough about that.

I've been feeling very unemotional lately, and I like it. The only emotion that I DO seem to have in abundance is anger. Mostly in having to deal with the shrew. Still not right, but the only time I feel anything now seems like when I am angry. The rest of the time I am just fairly even keeled, which is a welcome change from what I was before. I don't let much of anything bother me, but the shrew knows just how to push the right buttons, or should I say I allow her to. I don't have excuses, it is something I still need to learn to control. I'm working on trying to find the balance, logic to emotion, and so far, I've been to both ends of the spectrum, eventually I'll find the middle ground; in my personal opinion, I'm closer to it now than I've ever been.

Anyway, that's a little of what's going on with me right now, not a whole lot really. Life hasn't changed much in recent months, just the way I look at it has. Gone are the days when I would spend an entire post whining or bitching about how bad things are, or who I'm going to blame for what's happening to me. I'm pleased with the way my thought process is progressing, I'm glad I'm finally grasping the concept of HAVING emotions without necessarily BEING emotional. There's a post coming about that, I'm sure I will lay that one out whenever I feel the need to purge again. Until then I hope everyone has a great day, and I'll talk to you soon.