Journey of the Stag Warrior

Chapter 5: The Stag Warrior Reawakens.....

2011-05-30T13:30:00.006-05:00

The ground was cold and damp with dew. The smell of dandelions, and the sound of cicadas he heard as he awoke this particular morning told him it was spring, probably close to summer. His eyes fluttered for a moment, trying to adjust to the early morning sun. Why did it never seem to be cloudy in the morning? Just once, he thought, he would have liked to wake up without that fireball in the sky stabbing him dead in the eyes EVERY single day.

"Screw this," he thought to himself, and rolled over and attempted to close his eyes again and go back to sleep. The sun however had OTHER ideas, as the sunbeams on his back warmed him beyond the point of comfortable sleeping, and within a few minutes he was sitting, with one knee up, and with the opposite hand, he propped himself up to survey his surroundings.

His still cloudy, sleepy mind took a second or two to remember where he was at the moment, but then his gaze fell on a few stone outcroppings he had seen before he made camp. The thoughts realigned themselves and one word came to him: Singleston. This was one of the two large provinces in the land of Being, the other being Marrydom to the west. To the south was the smaller province of Couplesland.

Most people traveled between the provinces as they progressed along their journeys, as he had been doing, but here in Singleston, there were those souls who had chosen to remain here all their lives, traveling only within the boundaries of this province, and were content to do so. In the center of the three provinces, not actually situated in any of the them, was the city called Meets. It was the place to go to find companions to take with you on your journey, and it was also one of the main places that those same companions (or yourself) would choose to leave one another behind, and continue on with other companions, or strike out alone. There had been many times when he had gone there, and found companions, but this time he had done the latter, and had taken his leave of several people whose journeys and his no longer converged. He had left Meets several weeks, perhaps months before, and had made camp here many miles to the east. Why had he slept so long? Or had he been awake, and just not been paying attention? His thoughts went back to where he had been up to this point, and to where he planned to go from here.

Singleston was the province best known for its freedom to do as one pleased, the laws were quite lax, and as long as you did not harm anyone or their property, the law enforcing officers would leave you alone. Here there was no one to answer to, no one to explain why you did something, or why you didn't do something. Here you were free to socialize and befriend anyone you wished to, and no one said a word.

There were various villages and towns scattered throughout the province that each catered to a particular form of entertainment, which was something else Singleston was known for, it could be an exceedingly fun place to be.

Gambelot was a town situated on a hilltop, where the weather was always bright during the day, and at night, the sky was just as bright as the lights from the casinos, lots of casinos, beckoned all to come try their luck at games of chance. Streams of money seemed to flow from everywhere, and the people of the land of Being flocked to it. The sounds of coffers opening up and spilling their wares could be heard for miles. Ching-ching-ching-ching-ching! Some people got on a hot streak, and won often, and then they would make Gambelot their permanent residence, playing the games day after day, night after night, still hoping for more, waiting for that "big win". Still others would see their luck run out, but still make the city their home, as they would try to win back what they lost. Most people only stayed for a short time though, and maybe made or lost a little money, but had fun, which was really the point. The Stag Warrior had devised himself a little strategy upon his few visits there, years ago, which was of course to budget his funds. And, only betting a little at a time, thereby not losing a lot if he lost, but still having the chance at the big prize should he win. He had had a wonderful time on each visit, once winning a sizable amount of money, and on another occasion losing some, but much less than he had budgeted to lose. The memories of both occasions brought him good feelings every time they crossed his mind.

Screamanshout was one of the largest towns in the province, at least in the area of land it encompassed, to accommodate the gargantuan structures sprawled throughout the landscape. Here one could be thrilled and amazed, and even scared out of their wits, just by looking at the town's main attraction, amusement parks, and their rides, hundreds of them, of all shapes and sizes. Huge steel girders held up every imaginable type of rollercoaster known to exist, twisting and turning back on themselves, one ride nestled inside and around the next, so that distinguishing one from another became impossible when viewed from afar. To enter here took nerves of steel, or, as some put it, a death wish. The safety record, however, was in fact quite exemplary, the death toll quite low. Considering the volume of patrons and the ongoing construction of even higher, faster, and of course, more expensive 'coasters, having only lost a few hundred people in the 100 or so years of the city's history was thought to be due to both a lot of luck, and the rigorous maintenance schedule that was mandated when the city was first planned out. As with all the other towns, people had decided to make their homes here, and stay for months or even years at a time. Every day they would try a new ride, or maybe bungee jump off the cliffs on the north end of town, and take the chartered planes and go skydiving. This was where you wanted to be if you wanted to go to a haunted house too, as there were several streets full of them. Their owners would periodically change the routes customers would take as they traveled through them, or the scary things that popped out at random intervals, to keep the people interested. This was one town the Stag Warrior had only visited for one day here, another day there, as he encountered it on his journey, but such thrills he did not find appealing for long periods of time, and he had moved on after having his fun, as did many others.

The town he perhaps remembered most, however, much to his chagrin, was Boozeburg. He had been through there MANY times, at one point staying for the better part of 10 years. In Boozeburg there had been liquor stores and bars, and every type of alcoholic beverage imaginable could be bought and consumed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And all you needed to drink your choice of inebriation was having the money to buy it. This, like the other towns, saw patrons from all over the land of Being. The town itself was split in half, where one side saw sunlight all day during the day, and clear skies at night, whereas on the other side, the weather was often harsh, cold, and it rained a lot, making the entire place feel constantly damp and dreary. The smell of wine, spirits, beer, and various mixtures of vomit and urine would gag the unsuspecting passerby, and many a soul would avoid that side of Boozeburg at all costs. Men and women of all ages would sometimes spend every dime they earned from their employers buying and consuming copious amounts of alcohol, leaving their debts unpaid, their houses and relationships in disarray, and their children unfed and often unattended. This was often where those who were not happy with their journey would come to drown their sorrows in a glass of bubbly. Those who felt alone, having spent their whole lives in Singleton, and who had not found a lifelong companion at Meets were here. Those who lived in Marrytown and Couplesland however, sometimes came for a visit, to the sunny side of town, to celebrate together a happy occasion. They would come, have their party or celebration, and then leave the next morning. Sometimes however, some patrons would linger, keeping their companions stuck in Boozeburg as well, but only as concerned and often disgusted observers.

The Boozeburg experience was not something he remembered fondly, the Stag Warrior himself had been one of those patrons first from Couplesland, and then later from Marrytown. His companion didn't seem to have a problem being there with him at first, but things got worse and worse for them financially, mostly due to periods in which he had no job during his stay in Boozeburg. His relationship with her soon began to deteriorate, and then, as he remembered it, he finally got up and left Boozeburg, but then also left her, she was just not compatible with him at all, and had he been paying attention, he would have seen from the start that she was not. Funny how the alcohol had him feeling good, but all the while he went there to drink it because he was not feeling happy with HER.

Shaking off his reverie, the Stag Warrior set his mind on where he was going next. There were a lot of other places to go in the land of Being, and Singleston was a big place. Now that he had a stable job, and was not going NEAR Boozeburg, he decided to set his sights higher, to "settle" less often, to go out and make something better for himself. Too many times before he settled for being with companions who were not traversing the same path as he, or being ok with living in conditions that he was not happy with, but now those days were over. "I want to learn to play the cello." "I want to have a place of my own." "I want to learn to cook good, nutritious meals." The thoughts came clearly and quickly.

He got up, dusted off his pack, and began to walk, this time with a little more spring in his step.....this journey was about to take some turns for the better.

Announcing, Perth's Pointers.....

2011-03-28T19:16:00.000-05:00

Hi folks, just wanted to write a quick note to announce a new feature on my other blog, Perth's Pronouncements, called "Perth's Pointers". I'm going to be posting tips on car repair, computer repair and upgrades, basic plumbing, and also tips on upgrades and accessories for many types of home electronics. So pop on over there and check it out, I've already posted the first "pointer", all about USB hubs, what to know, and what to watch out for. And remember to follow that blog while you're there if you don't already, I'll be posting regular entries, chock full of all kinds of useful information, you never know what you'll see next!

I'm still here.....and finally, the review....

2011-01-20T15:58:00.000-06:00

Yes folks, the Stag Warrior is still here, it's just that I've been writing in my other blog, Perthro's Pronouncements (formerly known as The Stag Warrior Speaks), when I have been posting anything, so if you are not a follower of that blog, and you would like to check it out, just click that link and you can catch up on all the happenings. I made a small modification to the layout here, the picture you see above was drawn and colored for me by a dear Facebook friend of mine who is an incredible artist. I thought it appropriate to put it here, as it really symbolizes my connection to my totem, the stag.

In my last post here, back in November, I mentioned ordering something from the family of CSN stores website, which I in fact did, I ordered a hobby knife set from them to work on a plastic model kit I acquired at the local hobby store. I have worked with them only a few days, but I can already tell you that they have more than met with my expectations. They did arrive a little later than I expected, but the fact that I ordered them during the week of Thanksgiving probably did a lot to delay them. The package I got was a little larger than I expected too, as it was in a large "bubble" style envelope. When I opened it I understood why, when I found the hobby knife set in a heat sealed plastic "casing", such as used to allow it to be hung on a display hook. When I opened it up, only a few of the blades and accessories were out of place, not unusual for it having been shipped, and I was able to put everything back in order in less than a minute. The wooden box was of a quality I expected, sturdy, strong, and should keep the set secure and intact. In trying out the various knives, I found them to be strong and as sharp as I expected they should be, my left index finger can attest to that lol. Overall I believe that I got my money's worth, it serves the purpose for which it was intended, and is constructed well enough that I should not have to look to buy another set of hobby knives for quite some time. Here are a few pictures so you can see what I've been describing.......

The whole process of ordering the kit and getting it shipped was flawless, I got what I ordered and it was not damaged or missing any parts, I wholeheartedly recommend shopping with CSN and will be doing it again myself in the future.

I hope you all are having a great day, and I will talk to you again soon.

Bella's having a giveaway!

2010-11-22T07:56:00.000-06:00

Hello folks, nice to see you again!

Bella over at Memoirs of a Crazy Witch is having her first giveaway! It's a 55 dollar gift code to use at any of the many CSN stores websites, there's lots to look over, so get on over to her blog if you haven't already, and check it out! While you're there, don't forget to become a follower, she's an amazing writer and a wonderful person. I thoroughly enjoy reading her posts, and I know you will too. So, what are you waiting for? Click that link up there and get going!

Stay tuned for a review of a CSN product, I am ordering it today, so it's only going to be a few weeks until I do it, talk to everyone soon!

And now, I can shop online.....

2010-10-19T09:05:00.000-05:00

Hi folks, good to see you again!

Now as I told you in my last post, a lot has changed in the 6 months since I started working again, and one of them is that I now have money to use to shop and buy things online.

One thing I do a lot is to buy Facebook credits to use in various games, such as Happy Pets. While the games are fun without having to spend real money, they're a lot more fun when you have the capital to buy things from the games' store. There are some games that have their own form of currency, such as in Pet Society where they use "Playfish Cash" (because Playfish is the name of the company that makes the game), and in Frontierville they use what's called "Horseshoes" (basically because the symbol of the "cash" is a horseshoe). All of them are used in the same way, wherein you buy the credits or cash or horseshoes with your bank card or credit card, and then you are able to spend them in the game to buy the various items you want or need to further your progress within that game. I played a lot of games on Facebook before I got a job, but I'm having more fun playing them now that I have one.

The other thing I've done since getting a job is to shop for and buy products online through various websites. One of my favorite websites to peruse before I started working was Newegg.com, a place for everything related to computer hardware. I used to drool over processors, hard drives, motherboards, you name it, and now I'm able to buy them should I so desire, it's a good feeling.

There is another site, or should I say sites, that I have recently become aware of, where you can buy almost anything under the sun, and that's the CSN Stores family of websites. They sell everything from air compressors to barstools to car seats to desks to fitness equipment, I mean they have it all. You can buy briefcases, shoes, toys, even pet furniture, it's really a one stop shopping site. Their prices are very competitive, and in the near future I am going to do a review of one of their products here on my blog, so be sure to look out for that.

That's just a few things I'm doing now that I'm working. In my next post, find out about the game called "Magic", it's a little unusual, but interesting at the same time........

6 months later.......

2010-10-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

Hello folks, nice to see you again!

It's hard to believe I haven't posted here in 6 months, it seems once I got my job I started posting in my other blog and left this one to just sit. Well now's as good a time as any to update you on the happenings.

I've been working at Walmart for 6 months now, and I've made some friends, and gotten used to walking 10 miles a night. I've just recently clocked it with a pedometer, it's really 10 MILES that I walk a night doing the floor maintenance!

We first sweep the floor, each man doing a section of the store with those long dust mops you may have seen if you're ever in Walmart late at night, and then we each have a separate job to do. One guy is the "scrubber", and runs the scrubbing machine that cleans the floor, another guy is the "buffer", and runs the buffing machine after the scrubber has scrubbed the floor, and then there is the "side jobs" guy, who does various other tasks such as vacuuming carpets, cleaning the break room and offices, and sweeping and scrubbing in the receiving areas in the back of the store. He's also the guy that cleans the bathrooms if there isn't a fourth person to do that, which on occasion, there isn't. Oh and there's also a guy that does waxing of one or more aisles most nights, as there is usually SOMETHING that needs a new coat of wax on such a gargantuan floor.

Anyway I've been trained on all the jobs and have gotten pretty proficient at them (all except the waxing, haven't done that one much), and I enjoy what I do, but I've also learned that there aren't any opportunities for advancement within the company if one stays with the maintenance crew. We have no managerial staff, and therefore answer directly to the co-manager of the store that is in charge on any given night. This means that in order to find an opportunity to advance, I will need to move to a different department, and the only other one available on third shift is among the stock crew. I have had a few chances to try my hand at moving freight, in hardware and in housewares, and I like it, and I hope I get the chance to do it again, and eventually move over to one of those departments on a permanent basis. It should provide me with the possibility of moving into a management position, and on third shift, it's not hard to do, as most of the crew seems content to stay where they are.

That's about all for now, but I'll be back soon to write again, I've been away for far too long, and a lot has changed in the time I've been gone.

Update, and a rant

2010-04-10T01:23:00.000-05:00

Hi folks, thanks for stopping by!

Well, I'm done with orientation and "training", and I start tomorrow night actually doing my job. I'd like to say that for all the bad reputation Walmart has as a company, it sure seems to me that they really care about their employees. I could be wrong, but the policies they have, especially those on recycling, in my opinion, are unmatched by any other corporation. This might be a company I'd like to make a career out of. I'm not getting any younger, and I need a company like this where there are real opportunities for advancement. My mother thinks I should still be looking for a better job. With all due respect Mom, this is my life, and I'm going to live it my way. I have had enough of listening to others' advice, letting other people control my decisions, that was the main reason I left my very unhealthy relationship just over a month ago. Incidentally, it is ironic to me that in the entire time I was with my wife, my mother called me a total of 3 times in 19 years, 3, the rest of the times it was me calling her. Tells me that she did not approve of my relationship, and just never bothered to tell me. Anyway, the reason she called today was to ask me for my address, she wants to send me something. Which is something else she did very little of over the last 19 years. Oh sure, she sent things to the kids on birthdays and Christmas and whatever, usually gift cards though, and as for me, hardly a thing. Anyway, we'll see. I'm not really worried about it, just seems fishy to me. I'm not losing any sleep over it, that's for sure.

I wanted to write this down so I could look at it later, life is really about to change for me, and there is a feeling of loss, but as my favorite saying goes, "There is no loss, only change." I've gone from being co-dependent and downright indecisive and being with a control freak, to being alone and in charge of my life. Someday a woman will come along that can handle both my extreme emotional nature, with ups and downs sometimes switching by the minute, and my overabundant gushiness. She will respect me for what I am, for who I am, even when "I" am a different person at least outwardly from day to day. I have a lot to offer, and it's a shame that people will still judge on the basis of appearance, I've met plenty that still do. I found out that I wasn't compatible with the woman I stayed with for almost 20 years, but in that time I also found out who I WAS compatible with, and that's a whole lot of people. It's just too bad that they all passed me over just because I'm not a "bad boy," because I'm not a cowboy, not country enough, I'm just the nice guy who they want as a friend. Always they want the big and burly treat them like shit types. All I have to say to that ladies, is, YOUR LOSS!! Oh and this sensitive "really nice" guy has done his share of treating like shit. I mean let's face it, I was the one that left HER, and broke her heart, yeah, real nice. Anyway, all I have to say on this is that somewhere, my lady is out there, and when the universe deems it's time, I will find her. I'm sick of being alone, I want female companionship. Whatever, too bad none are strong enough to stand with me, and not try to control me, I don't need control, I want and need a true equal. Someday maybe...............someday.

A job! Finally!

2010-04-02T17:44:00.000-05:00

It's official, pending the results of my drug test, which SHOULD be clean, after all, I don't do any drugs, I got a job!

It's at Walmart, as an overnight maintenance worker. Pretty much means cleaning and polishing the floors, and cleaning up the bathrooms and the parking lot. I'm ecstatic to have finally actually landed a job! It's been so long, I don't know what to do with myself. Oh yeah, I know, go to work like everyone else!

Anyway, there's still things pending with the OTHER job opportunity, well one of the other ones. Security clearances are pretty hard to get, if for nothing else than all the info that must be collected. There are some additions that I need to make, and then there's still no guarantee that I'll even GET the clearance, so I may not be able to work for them at all. Then there's the job at Advance Auto Parts that I may be getting a call about next week, but see that's the trouble, I can't take all 3 of these jobs, there just isn't enough of me, or time, to go around, as much as I'd like to work for them all.

So, I suppose if things work out, and I do get that clearance, I'll take that job because of the pay. Although they may elect to keep me anyway, just not on that contract, even if I don't get it. So we'll see. But at least now I do know for sure I got at least one job. I'm so grateful to have been given these opportunities, the universe has truly blessed me. Stay tuned folks for updates on my first day, and just things in general, hopefully when my financial situation improves I will have something else to talk about, LOL!

Eggs of a different sort....

2010-03-31T17:53:00.000-05:00

I've got a dragon egg! I found this in a post by Bella on Memoirs of a Crazy Witch. You go to the site, and pick yourself a dragon egg to raise, and post it on your blog or other site. See mine over there in the sidebar? Click on it and you'll find the site to get your own. Have fun folks!

An update on my job search!! Good news!!

2010-03-29T19:02:00.000-05:00

I got some calls today, I may just have a job soon! Check out my post on my other blog, The Stag Warrior Speaks, for all the details!

After so many months of putting in applications, of pounding pavement, and searching and searching, I am finally seeing some results. Now more than ever, I know that my move was for the best. Things are looking up, and I hope to be able to report in the next few days that I am once again gainfully employed.

The energies of this whole situation only fill me with positive vibes, and once again I am reminded of the power of visualization and positive thinking. Good things can and do come if you truly see them happen, and then take the necessary steps to bring those thoughts into reality. I am extremely happy, and I wanted to allow every single one of you to share in my happiness. Have a great day!!

I read it in a book

2010-03-23T19:36:00.000-05:00

Today my journey through life took me to Barnes and Noble, and to a book called "The Day You Were Born" by Linda Joyce. Now while I didn't have sufficient means to buy the book, I took some time to read the part that had to do with the day that "I" was born. What I found was the most accurate depiction of my inner workings that I have ever read. The book uses numerology and astrology to tell you in depth how you are as a person from just the date of your birth. Not the year, just the month and the day. As many of you know, my date of birth is July 2nd, which makes me a Cancer, and boy, did this book ever go into intricate detail about what makes up a Cancer, what makes them tick. Not only that, but then it gives each sequence of days a description of its own, and by sequence, I mean the numerology sequence of the numbers 1 through 9. I'm not completely sure how it works, but it starts with the first day of the month, with 1, and then goes through the ninth with nine, and I think then the sequence repeats throughout the consecutive days thereafter.

Hopefully I got that right, but the thing I got the most out of reading it was that I myself have some serious internal work to do. It said everything about me that I know to be true. I am eccentric, extreme, and most importantly, when it comes to my internal thoughts, there are no boundaries. It also said that I should learn to manage my fears, something I have NEVER been able to do.

Anyway, to make what I could turn into an extremely long story short, I will just say that I am about to embark on a pretty major internal overhaul. I'm going to make myself some rules, to assure that I create some internal boundaries, and to make myself accountable for what I think and do. I also intend to find who it is I really am during this process, and to start doing things differently than before, not to an extreme as is my norm, but just different. My thoughts have been my undoing for all this time, so it's time to change those thoughts, and become "me".

My life, today

2010-03-23T03:21:00.000-05:00

Hello again, and welcome to my life. My new life as a single man. Well at least in living conditions, the paperwork has yet to be filed. It's going on three weeks since I moved out, and the adjustment is proceeding well. I didn't know I would be so petrified at first, having to do things completely on my own. I had become so accustomed to someone always being there to assist me, that I literally didn't know what to do when I finally had the ability to choose things for myself. However, the strings have not yet been fully cut, as, due to my continuing lack of employment, I am still relying on her for financial support. It gives me no pleasure to have to do that, as the whole point of moving out on my own was to have the freedom to do as I want, and not to have to rely on someone else to provide for me. But I am doing well looking for a job, my effort is good. There's still so much I have to do, such as actually get my own place, as for the moment I am relying on a friend to provide me with a roof over my head. That's basically all he and his girlfriend are doing for me, so for the most part, I can consider myself about 70 percent single, on my own.

Why do I go on and on about this? Because for the last 38 years, I have not been single, not in the true sense of the word. Always there has been someone, always doing for me, or somehow providing for my needs, and therefore, I have always had someone I had to "answer" to, always had to consider someone else's needs before my own. Frankly, I got tired of it. So I left. Of course, that wasn't the only motivation behind my move. I have documented on this blog in the past my issues with my wife, mainly the fact that she and I are just not compatible in a romantic relationship. We fought tooth and nail over the simplest of things, and while that in itself isn't unusual, the fact that we have different views on just about everything that is important IS the reason we aren't compatible. Spiritual goals, lifestyle goals, the direction our children's education and location of that education, the list goes on. We agree on very few things. Add to that fact that she is the kind of person that MUST have things go her way or she is impossible to live with, and we find ourselves at the point we are now. About to get a divorce.

There's volumes I could write about how I "feel" about this whole situation, but right now is the time for thinking. I've bogged myself down for too many years worrying about how I was "feeling" about things, and doing very little to actually change them. I can say that this is the right thing that I'm doing, for everyone involved, including my children. They will in the long run have a better life. Sure, they won't see me every day, but they still know that I love them, and that they are taken care of. I don't know what the future holds, but for once I can wake up in the morning and know that whatever I do, I do it because it was my choice, my decision, and not because someone else said I "had" to do it.

With that I will leave you for now, it is late, and there are jobs waiting for me to apply for them when I awake in the morning. Have a good night and day, all you in blogland, and I will report again soon on what has transpired.

Apologies, and changes

2010-03-14T03:45:00.000-05:00

Greetings to all who follow, and apologies for my month long absence.

Some of you follow my other blog, The Stag Warrior Speaks, so you are aware of my recent happenings, but for the rest of you, my life has taken such a turn that I can truly say I am never going back. I moved out of the house, and am actively searching for a job in my new home about an hour down the road whilst staying with some friends. I've done well in that endeavor after about a week of adjusting to what amounts to a "single" existence, and I don't mind telling you, I was a bit petrified.

I've started my new life, my journey has found a new path, and so too will this blog. I have found that the "story" style of writing has not come to me as often as I would have liked. Therefore, changes are in order. I intend to sleep on it, and make those changes, whatever they may be, in a few days.

Thanks for following, and stay tuned, as I am optimistic about what is to come.

Chapter 4: The One

2010-02-09T14:01:00.000-06:00

The Stag Warrior awoke to the bright sun in his face, as he did every morning. This morning was a chilly morning, and the ground was covered in a blanket of snow. The last week or so had been pretty brutal in the weather department, as two winter storms had brought frigid temperatures and for the first time in a very long while, had brought snow to the Stag Warrior's path. As a matter of fact, the snow that had fallen last week, causing him to find "indoor" shelter in a cave, had been the deepest snow he had seen since being a child.

This time, the snow was barely enough to cover the ground, as the grass and shrubbery on either side of the path was still visible, so today's journey would not be hampered by the frozen precipitation. He glanced out to the path in front of him, still wiping sleep from his eyes, and saw his usual companions on their paths, going about their lives alongside of his, and knew all was well. Nothing unusual about today, nothing out of the ordinary would happen. Just he and his path, traveling along like everyone else did on their path.

And then, of course, something unusual DID happen.

Another person came to join him on his path, but this person, this woman, she was, well, not like anyone else he had encountered. He clothes flowed around her as she walked, her body so graceful in movement. She had the most beautiful face, brown eyes, dark hair, and the most gorgeous smile. Her arms, her hands, her feet, her entire body seemed to have been constructed from the very exact specifications of his dreams, she was everything he had ever wanted a woman to be. No one else had ever looked to him to be so perfect in form, so precisely crafted as though for him alone. But it wasn't just her looks that intrigued him, it was her mannerisms, her words, oh her words. She had a way of making him feel like royalty, like he deserved to be treated like a king. But it was her that was royalty, and she became his queen. She became his everything.

She thought like him, she talked like him, she seemed to always know when something was bothering him. She seemed to find nothing wrong with him, seeing his "faults" as his best qualities. She adored his voice, his face, his hair most of all. How did he get so lucky? This woman was a goddess, a woman to be revered. His thoughts stayed on her, she was amazing. So many years he had traveled, so many miles, and no one had ever made him feel like this. So much love and adoration, so much passion, the passion of a true goddess. The words evaded him, how to tell her she was so wonderful? How to say "I love you" in words that truly could convey his feelings? The words were just not adequate. All the love in the universe seemed to be concentrated in this one human being, it was just unbelievable. He wanted to wrap himself up in it, to cover them both in it, she made him feel so safe and warm.

All this, and more, now were in his daily thoughts. Feelings of love and passion, togetherness and joy. Every new day brought even more love and even more joy. Her name was on his lips, her face in his mind. "Micaela, I love you", came from his lips even when she couldn't hear it. What a beautiful name, for such an amazing woman. She was the One. She would be his, for forever and a day. And forever is such a deliciously loooooooong time.

Chapter 3: Companions

2010-01-12T03:22:00.000-06:00

The Stag Warrior peered down his path, the view obscured a bit in the distance, the dust swirling still, as it seemed to do all the time, being lifted and sifted through the trees dotting the edges of the thoroughfare. He had been walking his path for some time now, several weeks in fact. The monotony of the walk had set in, nothing but rock after rock, tree after tree, this section of his journey seemingly stretching on forever with no visible change of the terrain. Ennui had taken over his mind, day after day the same thing, and he began to wonder if this was even worth doing.

About that time when all his mind was dreaming up were thoughts of stopping, thoughts of just sitting down somewhere, making shelter, and staying put, he looked up and what he saw snapped him out of his reverie. There was what appeared to be another path, intersecting his own, and yet also a part of it, as though there were two paths, but one destination. Yes, that was it, a path quite close to his own, parallel to his, and here the two became one. This required some investigation.

Before he had moved three steps further the being appeared. At first only a shadow, as the swirling dust had the effect of providing a sort of shield to normal vision, but then shortly, as he drew closer, he could make out the form of someone quite like himself, yet slightly different. This being was from another town, another tribe perhaps, and was not male. As he approached her, he could see that she had been walking a long time as well, her clothes even more dusty than his, if that were possible, or maybe that was just the dull tan and brown color the attire appeared to be. She wore a waist length denim jacket and jeans, along with hiking boots, and a black bandanna on her head that covered some of her long red and very curly hair. She carried a pack much like his own, a rucksack, except hers was smaller.

There was something familiar about this woman, and a memory he had placed in the back of his mind long ago suddenly came back to him, and as he finally reached her, and saw her face, he knew. It was her. No one else had those grayish green eyes. She had been a friend, a companion, years ago, when he was on a different path, and had traveled with him for a time, and then she was gone. Now she had returned, after so much time, so much distance traveled, her path to join his once again. He was elated! His boredom had vanished, now here was someone who knew, someone who cared, and who would be his companion on this path like she had been on his last.

He talked with her at length, catching up on her individual observances and experiences since they had last traveled together, and as it turned out, she was quite knowledgeable about this path, having traveled it for many years more than he, and she prevailed on him to follow the direction she pointed out. He did so, with her right beside him all the way, and as they walked together, the winds stopped howling and became only a whisper of their former ferocity, and the dust began to settle just a bit, making other paths visible, on either side, parallel to the one they were on, as hers had been.

He began to see more intersections up ahead, where some of those paths crossed theirs, other people were there also, and even behind, why had he not seen them before? He now realized they had been there all along. He had not seen them, or rather ignored them, thinking this path was his alone. There were others walking the path as they were, some faster, some slower, some ahead, some behind, but all going somewhere. Small groups he could see, several people together walking, paths crossing and uncrossing, people coming and going. Everyone on a journey. As they walked others joined them, some old and familiar faces, others new. New friendships were made, and his path became that of many others, some for a short time, as their path took them in another direction, but others stayed, and walked with him as she did. Always guiding him, helping him see the obstacles ahead, always there when he lost his footing, or failed to see a danger ahead.

He began to feel a change in his thinking. This path was not just his. Everyone had a journey of their own, but it did not mean it had to be a lonely one, a solitary one. People were everywhere along the path, there were friends to be made, relationships to forge, for his journey was not just a transition from a starting point to some obscure destination far away, it was and is an experience of humanity. It was now a joy to wake up, see the sun rise, and greet the day knowing there were others on the same road as he, tackling the same obstacles, dealing with the same storms. Companions were always available. One just had to look up and see them, greet them, and invite them to walk along for as long as they were able.

No one man, no one person, was ever truly alone.

New blog

2010-01-08T22:15:00.001-06:00

Hello there, just wanted to let everyone know that I have decided to start a new blog. I intend to use this one for only my "chapter" posts, and my new one for everything else. The new one is called "The Stag Warrior Speaks". I've written the first post over there already, so please, feel free to click the link and go check it out.

Thanks and have a great evening.

Chapter 3 is coming, and a thank you

2010-01-06T02:39:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note tonight to let everyone know that Chapter 3 of The Stag Warrior's journey is in the works, and should be "on paper" in a few days time. I have been meaning to write something to let everyone know that the saga will continue, but as you'll see below, I have new incentive to write it. It's been a learning experience and one of deep inner contemplation at times. I learn from myself as I write, more each time, about who and what I am, and who and what I wish to become. My life in the "real" world is no different than that of anyone else, but I find that writing that way helps me to focus, and to process my thoughts in a more imaginative way. Imagination and visualization go hand in hand, and if it can be imagined, it CAN be done.

I got the surprise of my life yesterday morning reading "Turn-around Tuesdays" at The Soccer Mom's Guide to Wicca. Fae had posted an entry about the first two chapters of my saga, but that wasn't the surprise, as she had informed me in advance. She gave me the biggest compliments in her descriptions of me and my blog, and Fae, all I can say is, thank you so much for making my day with your kind words. I am "a quite talented writer"? Wow! You have made The Stag Warrior's journey, on this day, just that much brighter. Thanks again.

And for anyone who has not checked out Fae and Juniper's blog, please do, they are both TRUE talented writers, and have a lot to offer. Just click the link above and it will take you to their home page.

Blessings to all of you on YOUR journey!

Calling all followers!

2009-12-31T12:31:00.000-06:00

This is my last post. Yup, my very last. I will no longer be posting after today. No more posts for the rest of the year. My next post will be next year. In 2010. Fortunately, next year starts tomorrow, at least that's what the calendar says. So I guess that means you'll be able to see my next post pretty quickly. And now that I have your attention, I would like to request a favor. If this post appeared on your blogger dashboard, and you were able to click on it and arrive safely here in my blog, please leave me a comment with simply the word "Yes" in it. If not, let me know in perhaps a few details how you arrived here to read this. I am curious after I changed my URL, or "blog address", to see if everyone can still come and see me in the normal fashion. Now, with that out of the way, my last post of the year.......

New Year?

New Year's Day, comes once every year, the first day of the "new" year. The start of yet another day, another month, and yes, another year. But what about the day after that? Or the day after that? Can it not be said that that day too, is the anniversary of another year? The same day appeared last year on the calendar, in the same place, as did the Earth itself appear in the same spot in it's orbit one year earlier. What about July 2nd? It's the first day of the second half of the year, why is that day not celebrated as the grand and glorious halfway point?

My point is this. Every single day of our lives, or of the life of this little blue ball on which we reside can be thought of, from a certain point of view, as a "new year". Think of it like this. How many of us were actually born on January 1st? A percentage of the population to be sure, but for the rest of us, our own personal "new year" starts at a much later date on the calendar. Can it then not be said, again, from a certain point of view, that EVERY day on the calendar is New Year's day? It's the beginning of a new year in a sense for many people, and as I said, each new day is in fact the same day the earth itself was in the same position in space the year before. Well taking into account leap year, and deviations in orbital speed, ok, well, I'll leave that one to the guys with a degree in orbital mechanics. What I'm really talking about here is the perception of "new" beginnings.

New Year's Day is the day everyone looks to as the beginning, when in fact if we stop and think, every day, every hour, every minute, and yes every second is the beginning of something for someone. Right now, on this, the last day of the calendar year, a small percentage of the population is celebrating their birthday. So for them, it's a new year. Some are getting married today, the beginning of their new lives together. There are probably people starting a new job today, for some of which may turn out to be a lifelong career. Still others are starting the process of obtaining a college education, which will lead to a degree. Every day of the year, someone is starting new. Next year, on this same day, they can look back and say, yup, this is the day it all started.

For me this thought process started with of all things, as one might expect, a glance at a calendar. Not your hang on the wall through that little hole calendar, but one of those fancy cover up your desk varieties that gives you the number of days that have passed in the year, next to how many days are left. Of course I got curious, and decided to look at my birthday, to see what "number" day I was born on. To my surprise, I found that it said my birthday was day 184, and that there were 183 days left in the year. Yes folks, that's how i discovered that July 2nd is the first day of the second half of the year, or it was that year at least. But it got me thinking. Did anyone know? Did anyone care? Why should January 1st and December 31st get all the glory? Or hell, why not break it down into quarters, and bring April and October to the party? Of course this is all pretty ridiculous, and would really get out of hand in a hurry, but my thoughts began to center on why the need at all to celebrate a "new" year? Clearly many days can be considered for the beginning. I mean why not make April 1st the first day of the year?

Now of course if you are a pagan, like me, you are saying, wait, hang on, I celebrate MY new year on Samhain. Not at all a day on the Gregorian calendar that coincides with the start of a "block" of the year, and not even close to the supposed "starting" point. But how many of us really do see it as our "new" year? This is my first year as a pagan, so please don't kill me if I am wrong, but it seems to me, just from reading posts here on blogger, that many pagans still actually celebrate the new year on January 1st. Granted it makes sense to do so, as it IS a new calendar year, and should be celebrated as such, but the gist of what I'm trying to say is more along the lines of not picking a day to celebrate, but to see every day as the start of a new year.

All in all it boils down to this. Let's celebrate the new year every day of the year, find something new to start, something new to accomplish, someone new to meet. Because someone like you, like me, is today considering this day, not tomorrow, as the start of a new year. And maybe we should too.

A vent

2009-12-28T23:43:00.068-06:00

First things first, I can not believe it's been over a week since I posted anything. The holiday is partially to blame, being busy and all, like everyone is around such times. But there were other reasons, and in this post, I intend to explain myself.

Christmas these last two years has been especially tough for me personally. I was laid off from my job at the end of November last year, so as you can imagine there was not money to buy presents for my children. Thankfully, both of the schools that my children attend, the middle and elementary, helped us and provided presents for them to open on Christmas day. So they did have presents, last year, and this year. I should be happy, and on one hand I am, but on the other hand it just makes me feel like crap. I'm their father, it should be ME giving them gifts, ME providing a good Christmas, not their SCHOOL!

It's not like I haven't tried. I AM looking for a job. Have been now for over a year, ever since I was first unemployed. There just seems to be no jobs, or none that my resume seems to make me qualified for. On one end, I am underqualified, not enough experience, no certifications, too many gaps in employment. On the other hand, I am overqualified, I have an associate's degree, I am 38 years old, and have a job history on my resume that says "He really doesn't WANT to work at Mickey D's, plus, we'd have to pay him too much."

So, what do I do? Put a gun to someone's head, and force them to give me a job? If you asked my wife, the shrew that she is and has become, that's exactly what I need to do. You know, because of course, since I've been without a job so long, that makes me a bum, a no good loser who will never again have gainful employment. Mind you I don't believe for one second that I am a bum, or a loser, but in the eyes of a spouse, it kinda DOES make you look like one being out of a job so long.

Something else related to that has been bugging the shit out of me too. The laws in this state require you to live apart from your spouse for a year before they will grant a divorce. A reasonable law, makes sense, I mean if you really want a divorce, you probably don't want to live with that person anymore. But, without a job, I have no income, no way to pay rent somewhere else, let alone to pay for the divorce itself. Each day that goes by, still living with her, means that year of time away gets longer, and longer. I could have been almost done with that year, had I found a job already. DONE! But no. No job, no new place, no new life. I have mentally let go of everything, and started on my new path. Ok, great. Now, to find a way to physically make it happen. I can tell you this. It certainly doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.

Well, there it is. My venting is done. I don't spend too much time going on about "oh woe is me" these days, as it is generally counterproductive, but even the greatest warrior has to sometimes vent his frustrations. Things may change tomorrow, or next week, or next month, who knows? It will happen at the right time, when preparation meets opportunity. So for now, my friends, thank you for listening, and I hope everyone has a joyous and prosperous New Year. Love and light, and brightest blessings to all of you!

The Stag Warrior

A Note

2009-12-20T03:35:00.000-06:00

I thought I would take a minute and talk about my transformation from Rayden Darklighter to The Stag Warrior.

As you all know, since I have mentioned it on more than a few occasions, I only recently became a pagan. Of course the longer I say that, the less recent it gets. It's been 9 months now, hardly recent. But anyhow, when I first became a pagan, like many, I just HAD to have a "cool" craft name. Now mind you at the time I didn't see it that way, just that I was getting a new name to symbolize my entrance into this new exclusive club of those who work magic. As you can see I had a lot to learn.

Since that time, I have done more and more soul searching, learning about myself, and the things I needed to do to become "me". Before that I was all ego and selfishness. I still have tons to learn, and in my current situation, without the ability to practice as I would like, I will remain a "newbie" on some things for longer than most. I have learned that the person I am is not just a gushy bag of emotion, but a person who has a lot to offer the world at large. I do not give in to my bouts of extreme emotion, I keep them under control, and channel that energy in a productive direction. There is a purpose for me being here, one being my understanding of the human condition. It allows me to really comprehend the intricacies of what it is we are all here doing, as spiritual or energy life forms having a human experience. Every person has a journey they are on, their own personal journey through this life, to learn whatever lessons each chose for themselves while still on the spiritual plane. It is this journey, this condition, that I am now more aware of than ever before in my life.

In my life. Hmpf. Something that means only this form, this existence. As Rayden, I took a lot of time bitching and griping about the others, the people around me on their own journey, and how what they were doing "made" me into what I was. My patron god, Cernunnos, the epitome of warriors, would have none of that. It took me a while, but once I started really listening to the signs around me, I realized that it was not a warrior's way to act as I had been. Warriors get up and do the job they are required and choose to do, without fear, and without excuses. They know the risks, they know the dangers, but they go and do. Even to the point of laying down their own lives so that others may live. So, my name became The Stag Warrior. I chose to leave my prior existence behind, and forge for myself a new path, one not influenced by fears and indecision. I chose to have the courage to accept myself in this body with its advantages and limitations, and to work through the lessons I chose for myself as a spirit, to be a warrior spirit, with the heart of the stag.

This journey has just begun. Along the way there will be obstacles, some of which I have already conquered. There are many that are still in front of me. One step at a time I will take them on, because they are mine to conquer, to overcome, to process through. Mine alone, for this is my journey. Others will walk with me, others will help and guide me, but ultimately, only I can make it to the end. I will then revert back to the spirit that I am, having finally accomplished what I set out to do, in this, my human experience. This time around.

To that end, the first obstacle I must overcome, past my mental state that I touched on in my last post, is to remove myself physically from the situation at hand. It is necessary to do so in order to "move on", but in more mundane terms it is required by the state in which I reside of one who wants a divorce from their spouse to live apart from that spouse for a period of one year. Therefore, I am making plans to do just that. I have neither the capital nor any resources to accomplish this at the present moment, but there are options available to me that I am working on to gain what I need.

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a most blessed Yule, and may you and yours be safe and happy.

Chapter 2: Obstacles

2009-12-18T23:00:00.000-06:00

The path lay before the Stag Warrior, long and windy, stretching into the distance. Mountains were clearly visible, valleys between, surely these would need to be traversed. Thick forests of thorny bristles lined both sides of the path, boulders of various sizes blocked the way. There was a thought in his mind, one he battled to suppress. This path, this journey ahead, it was a little daunting, this would be the hardest thing he ever did. Taking the first step those few days ago now seemed the easy part.

Just then, he felt something pulling at his leg, causing him to lose his balance and fall roughly on the dusty ground. Seems he had been dragging something along behind him, and he had come to the end of whatever the "something" was. Of course the "something" turned out to be the rope that he now "found" attached to his ankle. He knew this rope well. It was tied at the other end back where he started, joined to a substance, an object he had been dragging along with him for years. It was big, and heavy, and he had been tethered to it for so long he tended to forget the rope was there. Now, as he wanted, no, needed, to continue on this path, with no turning back, he began to work the knot of the rope, desperately wanting to be free. It was a thick rope however, hewn of the best hemp, and the knot would not loosen.

Searching in his weathered and beaten and now very dusty pack, he dug out a hatchet, short, but sharp, with the handle worn and brittle on the end, some of the wood having been lost from years of use and abuse. Placing the rope on top of a stone, he began to hack at it, one thread at a time, shearing it off. Years of weighing him down, slowing him down were going to come to end come hell or high water. Millimeter by millimeter, swing after swing, he began to cut himself free. Shreds began to fall. Some collected at his feet, others were caught up in the short gusts of wind that blew, to be carried off, never to be seen again.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, and after countless blows, the rope was severed. He sat for a moment, taking a deep breath. It was done. The last vestiges of what he was, what he had been, were now away, gone, no longer to plague him. What was left now was the knot, and only the knot. He would remember, but not be hampered on his journey.

He smiled. He got up, dusted himself off, and set out again. Toward the boulders, toward the forest of bristles, and the valleys, and mountains. This would not be so bad after all.

Chapter 1: The First Step

2009-12-15T23:39:00.001-06:00

The Stag Warrior stirred, the morning sun hitting his sleeping form as he lay on the rocky ground, his pack under his head as a pillow. The rays crept up his body till they reached his face, to his eyes, and at that he awoke, squinting. The day had arrived. Time for his journey to begin.

He had been waiting for this day, he had just not known it before. All his life he had been prepared for it, been taught what he needed to learn to survive. All the trials, the tests, all to culminate in this moment. The day he set out on his own. The day he cut all the ties, all the burdens, and left to forge his own way. His spirit guides, his totem animal, the stag, to walk with him, his thoughts one with their energy.

Many years he had been with others. Never having his own path, never creating his own destiny. It had become a comfort of sorts, to walk the path of the others, to have the security, to know that someone would always be there to bail him out, to save him from the difficulties the journey brought forth. Always, allowing others to control the direction his path would take.

But this journey, this morning, would be only his own. Oh, there will still be others with him, but this time, only he to determine his destiny. He got up, aware now of the chaos around him, its presence constant, so as to be idle background noise, the troubles of everyday life like a sandstorm beating his face, but only to the point he blinked a bit. Then he gazed out, out there, to the unknown. The path was waiting for him, he only need to take the first step. Leave everything else behind, take that first step to a different path than the others.

The doubts swirl in his mind like the sandstorm around him. Where will he go? What will he do? What obstacles lay ahead? In his mind's eye he brushes all the doubts and fears aside, and then...........

He takes that step.

New look, new title, new name

2009-12-12T20:23:00.000-06:00

No, it's ok folks, you haven't stumbled into the wrong blog, it's still me, the former Rayden Darklighter, and this is the former Rayden's Rants.

I decided to change my whole blog, the layout, the title, my button, and most importantly, my name. I have entered a new chapter in my life, actually the way I see it my life has just begun. My blog will continue as it has been, as a place for me to write down my thoughts and opinions as I journey down my path, the path of the Stag Warrior. No longer will I refer to myself as Rayden Darklighter in these posts, as that part of my life is behind me. I am the Stag Warrior, on a new journey through life, ready to embark on a new chapter, a new fork in the road if you will.

I welcome you to join me as I chronicle the Journey of the Stag Warrior.

A Yule survey

2009-12-10T00:50:00.000-06:00

Well it's been a few days since I posted, but Bella over at Memoirs of a Crazy Witch tagged me with this Yule survey, so I'm posting early, well early for me. lol

This one looks like fun.

1. Have you started Yule shopping yet? No, but usually I would have, this year we don't have any extra money, we'll see what happens.

2. Tell me about one of your special holiday traditions? When I was a kid, my parents had this ceramic Nativity set that on every Christmas Eve, we would put the baby Jesus in the manger and sing Christmas carols. Now, since this year Yule is new to me, I will be looking for new traditions to start.

3. When do you put up your tree? Well, I seem to recollect as a kid we did it soon after Thanksgiving, but my wife's family has done it for years on or the weekend of her birthday (Dec 5), so that's when we do it now.

4. Are you a Black Friday Shopper? I've only been out in the early morning shopping on Black Friday once, and for the life of me I can't remember exactly why, but I do know it had little or nothing to do with any sale. I do remember being morbidly entertained at all the people scurrying about making purchases on things that would be on "sale" again in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Funny how no one ever thinks of that. Like that "sale" price is the rock bottom price they will sell that item at before Christmas finally arrives.

5. Do you travel at Yule or stay at home? I can't remember the last time I traveled at ANY holiday.

6. What is your funniest Yule memory? I would have to say the night I found out there was no Santa Claus. Not funny? Oh, well, to me it was. I was asleep like a good little boy on Christmas Eve, about 5 years old, when I woke up just in time to hear my father ask my mother "Are you gonna get the presents?" Talk about fortuitous timing. To this day I remember it as the luckiest moment of my life, when I verified what I had suspected for quite some time in my short life.

7. What is your favorite Yule movie of all times? I'd have to go with "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" followed by "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Oh, and don't forget "Frosty the Snowman".

8. Do you do any Yule baking and what's your favorite treat? Baking? Um, well, I did make a pie once, which did turn out to be edible. I love pie, especially pumpkin. But the one I really love is Edwards brand Hershey chocolate creme pie, oh the chocolatey goodness of that baby.....

9. Fake or real tree? Fake, although growing up we did have a real tree or two. I wouldn't dream of having a real one now, because the tree usually doesn't make it to January.

10. What day does the actual panic set in to get it all done? Panic? I don't panic, things just don't happen fast enough, lol. Actually, I usually have everything figured out at least a day or two before, so there isn't a "panic".

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Yule Eve? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Yule? When everyone is opening presents and you can't see the floor for the wrapping paper, and you can't hear yourself think for the squeals of delight.............

13. What Yule craft do you like best? I used to love stringing popcorn, but with this crew, it's a disaster of monumental proportions, so I haven't suggested it this year, yet.......

14. Yule music? Yes or No, and if yes, what is your favorite song? There's this CD I have, called the Porter Music Box Sound of Christmas, it's beautiful, lots of everyone's favorite carols, played on a large music box that sounds more like bells, I play it incessantly this time of year, reminds me of what I heard as a kid.

15. Do you plan to finish all your shopping? Why yes I do, and thanks for asking, if I ever get it started.

Well, there you have it. Since Yule is a new holiday for me this year, and as I am still currently in the closet, it will probably be next year before any traditions emerge, but for now, I must find the 5 other blogs I must tag. I apologize in advance if you have already been tagged.

And heeeere they are:

Good Mourning, Glory
Deep Inside My Broom Closet
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Lost In Astral Space
rambling of a newbie pagan

My day, some randomness

2009-12-06T03:27:00.000-06:00

I'm here again, late at night, with no one else in the house awake, listening to music, and contemplating my day. Spent time with the kids today, got the tree up and decorated, all in all a good day.

I would be lying if I said that the impending holiday hasn't got me just a tick depressed without a job, and the income to buy them presents. I know it's not all about presents, but to a kid, that's ALL it's about. "What am I gonna GET?" When I was a kid, that's all I thought about leading up to the big day. My kids are no different, and it bothers me that I won't be able to go out and buy them stuff to put under the tree. But I know they will be provided for, and will not be wanting for things to unwrap, but still.

I've been thinking a lot about running an ad in craiglist for laptop repair, and I'm working on a pricelist to be better prepared for questions any potential clients may have. I want to undercut the local competition, which won't be hard for some of the prices these businesses charge, but reading some of the ads already on craigslist, it may be harder than I thought. But I am confident that if I put a good enough ad together, I should be able to drum up some business, and more importantly, some income in the next few months.

It's been refreshingly cold here lately, I'm really having fun with the temperatures dropping, summer is just way too hot. I hope it snows soon, I think it's the most beautiful thing, fresh snow on the ground undisturbed.

I've got a couple of random rants here for ya, gimme some feedback on these if you want, I'm seriously curious about this stuff.........

When you go down the highway, and you see a sign that says "Speed checked by detection devices", are you supposed to think they are using a radar gun, as opposed to, say, the naked eye? "Yep, that there car sure looked like it was goin fast, reckon we should pull him over Officer Bob!" Just saying, isn't it a given that the speed of our cars is checked with SOME sort of detection device? I mean why do they have to spell it out?

Another disturbing, or perhaps pleasant (depending on who you talk to) trend that I've seen recently is filmakers making trailers for their films which are different than the actual film. In other words, the scenes in the trailer differ from the scenes in the film, or worse, don't appear in the film at all! Am I the only one that thinks this is annoying? I mean I get all hyped up for weeks before a movie comes out, and expect to see what I saw in the trailer when I go see the movie, and then nothing! I understand the need to keep moviegoers in suspense, but honestly! And the worst part is, a lot of the time the trailer is funnier than the movie! What's up with that?

Ok enough of that, it's late, and I need to go to bed, talk to you soon!

Another day, some more thoughts

2009-12-03T03:44:00.000-06:00

It's times like these, late at night, or early in the morning, however you choose to look at it, that I have time to contemplate and reflect on the events of my life as it is at the moment. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes concerned, other times I'm pretty well apathetic. Never seems to be the same from day to day. Whatever the way, these are the times, when everyone else is asleep, that I really feel like I can think things through, without any outside interference, so this is the ideal time for me to write.

I had something I was going to talk about, something about what happened today, but it seems trivial at the moment to me. I don't even remember now what it was. I had a pretty interesting day, starting with getting up earlier than I normally do the take the children to school, something the shrew does much more often than I do. It was different today in that I wasn't in a grumpy mood, as lack of sleep often will bring forth, I was pretty nice for a change. But that wasn't it. There was something else, something that happened. Oh yeah, now I remember. It was the cops showing up at the front door asking about if someone had dialed 911 by accident. I was the only one home at the time, and I said no, since no one had, and then they asked me if there was a female home, as if I had been abusing her or something, they seemed very accusatory. But right then they called the dispatcher, or whatever it is they have, and found out the number that had been called from was from across the street, and they left. Still rattled my chain a little, because I hate even the thought of someone even thinking that I might even remotely be a wife beater. But anyway, such is life sometimes, they were only doing their job, and I applaud the fact that they take the time to check thoroughly to make sure each call is in fact legitimate.

After that happened the rest of the afternoon was pretty routine in picking up the kids from school and getting them to do their homework, etc, until later on, when I had walked away from my computer for a bit, and then when I came back, I was greeted with a surprise. According to my antivirus program, I had somehow contracted a trojan virus while I was away, and it wanted to know what I wanted to do about it. Now being the experienced computer technician I am, it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't in fact a trojan, but a case of mistaken identity by my antivirus program. A friend of mine was experiencing the same issues I had at the exact same time, so I suspected a fault in the antivirus' virus definition database file, which had been recently automatically updated. To make a long story short, it turned out to be two different virus programs fighting each other, so I uninstalled one of them, and now everything is ok. Anyhow, other than that, today has been pretty routine.

There are a few other things I want to mention. First I want to say thank you to those of you who left comments on my last post, your empathetic and sympathetic words mean a lot. Having said that, however, I would like to point out that much of my situation at this moment is of my own doing, and while there are things I cannot control, there is a lot that I can control, and I only need to get off my duff and do something about it. Sure I have days, like everyone else, when I just feel down and depressed, and feel like I'm in a hole I just can't climb out of, but most of the time, I choose to not let it get to me, to be happy. Feeling sorry for myself in my opinion is simply counterproductive. The way I usually describe it is that I made this bed, and now I have to lay in it. I was the one who gave the shrew the impression (in the beginning) that I was at her beck and call, and now she expects it to be the case, so in some ways, I can't blame her for how she feels, or how she treats me, I basically conditioned her to be that way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel like a "victim". It's mostly my fault I am in this predicament, so while I very much appreciate the sympathy everyone has shown me, I don't feel I am deserving of it. There are other people's situations I have read about here in blogland wherein they truly have been or are the "victim" so to speak, and I personally know several people that right now are feeling emotional pain caused by no fault of theirs. One in particular who knows who they are will understand when I say I am sorry you are going through this, and I sincerely hope I can be of some help, or comfort, if you will allow me to be. You will always have my ear, and my heart goes out to you.

I hope this post finds everyone well, and I hope to chat with you again tomorrow.

My next post

2009-12-02T04:03:00.000-06:00

It's been a few days since I posted, but mostly just because I haven't been online as much as I'd like these days. I went on that trip to get my brother-in-law's car, which was for the most part uneventful. It was the first time in a very long time that the wife and I slept in a bed together, and away from the kids. Naturally, our instincts kicked in, and we did the deed. No, that was me, doing all the work while she laid there. All about her, how she wants it. I got my orgasm, if you can call it that, and she got hers, but I didn't even get to go in. TMI, I know, sorry, but it's just the way things happen for me with her. I can't say really that I mind all that much, as she decided a couple of years ago to let someone else do that for the better part of two years. It's part of the reason I haven't wanted to do anything with her. It's also one of the main reasons why I don't want to continue being married to her. So it is what it is. Every so often she is useful for sex, but most of the time I don't want to have anything to do with her. She is unreasonable and completely incapable of compromise, so I'm done with it.

Keep in mind this is not intended as a bitch session, these are just the facts. I've already gone through all the emotional crap someone does in a situation like this, I'm just biding my time until the money is available for me to move out. I still haven't gotten a job, but as I posted last week, I intend to start my own laptop repair business, and say screw working for someone else. It's all talk till I actually do it, and it seems I'm pretty good at just talking about stuff. So enough about that.

I've been feeling very unemotional lately, and I like it. The only emotion that I DO seem to have in abundance is anger. Mostly in having to deal with the shrew. Still not right, but the only time I feel anything now seems like when I am angry. The rest of the time I am just fairly even keeled, which is a welcome change from what I was before. I don't let much of anything bother me, but the shrew knows just how to push the right buttons, or should I say I allow her to. I don't have excuses, it is something I still need to learn to control. I'm working on trying to find the balance, logic to emotion, and so far, I've been to both ends of the spectrum, eventually I'll find the middle ground; in my personal opinion, I'm closer to it now than I've ever been.

Anyway, that's a little of what's going on with me right now, not a whole lot really. Life hasn't changed much in recent months, just the way I look at it has. Gone are the days when I would spend an entire post whining or bitching about how bad things are, or who I'm going to blame for what's happening to me. I'm pleased with the way my thought process is progressing, I'm glad I'm finally grasping the concept of HAVING emotions without necessarily BEING emotional. There's a post coming about that, I'm sure I will lay that one out whenever I feel the need to purge again. Until then I hope everyone has a great day, and I'll talk to you soon.

If you would please.......

2009-11-27T04:02:00.000-06:00

Some of you are probably up already as I write this, at 230 in the morning, getting ready to attack the stores for "Black Friday". I have not yet gone to sleep, as is my normal routine. So if you are going, please be careful, there are always lunatics that will stop at NOTHING to get that gift they just HAVE to have.

I'm going on a little trip later on today, going down to my brother-in-law's house to pick up his car and bring it back home to keep for him while he goes on his fourth deployment to Iraq for a year. I would appreciate everyone keeping him in their thoughts, and maybe offering up a prayer for his safety. The shrew and I will continue to take care of his son and daughter for him while he is gone. They have been with us for several years, ever since his LAST deployment. He has only visited them sporadically in the year and a half or so since he returned from that one, and has not taken them home with him. So they will not really miss him any more than usual, but this means he will really HAVE a reason for not showing up to visit, or for not coming to get them and take them home. I am praying he will return safe and sound, and decide when he gets back that he wants to take them. While I agree with him in some respects that the environment they are in with us may be "better", I firmly believe children should be with their own parents. I understand it would be difficult for him being a single dad, as his ex-wife has no parental rights(hence why the kids are with us), but it's not like he is the only single dad in the Army. There are others, probably in his own unit, and I'm sure if he decided to accept his responsibility as a father, I believe he would find there would be people able to help him and provide support. His daughter, who will turn 5 a few weeks, has for some time now decided she is going to call the wife and I "Mommy and Daddy". Not when he is around fortunately, but I find that disturbing. What else does she have to go on though? We have provided all of the care for her for the greater part of her life. All I'm saying is, a person cannot be considered a parent in a child's eye when they only visit 2 or 3 times a year, and only call on the phone sporadically at best. I'm sure most of you know by now that I have 3 daughters of my own, and I just can't see myself going as long as he does(on purpose) not seeing or talking with his children. They are missing out on so much already not having their own mother around, it's just so unfair to them. Please let him return safe........

The other person who needs your thoughts and prayers is his mother, my mother-in-law. If something were to happen to him, I believe she would literally go insane. As a father, I understand the fear of losing one's child, but I don't have the fear she does, as mine are not yet grown, and are obviously NOT in the military. While she and I don't always get along, and she's a real pain in the ass a lot of the time, I truly love her like she was my own mother; hell, she's done loads more to help me whenever she could, which is more than I can say for my own mother.

So if you would pray to whatever god you believe in for my brother-in-law's safety, his children, and for my mother-in-law's sanity, I would be forever grateful. Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, and some NOT so random rants

2009-11-26T02:49:00.000-06:00

I CANNOT believe it is 1 in the morning already! Feels much much earlier.

I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, and hope everyone has a great time with their family.

I got outside today, and cut up some wood for the grill/smoker, which we used to smoke one of the turkeys we are having, and also a ham. I used a saw at first, but there is just something about swinging an axe, so I got the double headed one out we have and went to town. I can't explain the feeling I get using an axe, it's like something natural, like I was meant to do it. Maybe I was a woodsman in a former life.

Anyway, thought I'd bring ya'll a couple of not so random rants for the holiday, and here they are.

I am a big fan of stuffing, and true to it's name, you stuff the turkey with it. But dressing? What do you "dress" with it?

What about cranberry "sauce"? You eat it all by itself, so how does that make it a sauce?

The President "pardoned" a turkey, and he gets a trip to Disney World to live in a petting zoo. Unbeknowst to everyone, the turkey is thinking: "Get my head lopped off and end it quickly, or send me to a theme park to get manhandled by 5 year olds for the rest of my days; hmmm, let me see....................The union is sooooooo gonna hear from my lawyer!"

One last thing....

The consistency of pumpkin pie and cheesecake are almost identical, so why do we call one pie and the other cake? Is it because cheese pie just doesn't have the same ring to it? Try it, say it out loud both ways.

The call, or the pull

2009-11-24T02:44:00.000-06:00

I've been getting a call lately, a pull if you will. I feel like there's a job in my very near future. I've put in the applications, but it's not that. No one has called, no pun intended. No, the "call" I am getting is the feeling like it's time I started my own business, one doing what I love the most, fixing laptops. I can potentially make a crapload of money with that, once I build up a clientele.

I will still need to have a regular job until that happens, but I think eventually that is going to be the only job I will have. I know I'm just talking sheer speculation here, but it's just this feeling I have. It could end up totally different than that of course.

My posts lately have been very unRaydenlike. They are that way by design. I feel different. As is inevitable in life, changes happen. I can't tell you why, and to me, it's a good change. There has always been too much unbridled emotion in my life, too much fear, being afraid of how I am received. Rest assured, at my core, I am still the same person, but those feelings no longer rule my life, I am not nearly as afraid.

I started this blog with the intention of "bringing the house down" in one aspect, and to chronicle my development mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in another. One part of me wanted this blog to be entertaining, or interesting, so much so that people would be on the edge of their seats waiting for the next post. That is one of the major changes that have occurred in the time I have written here. I no longer have much of a concern for writing something that I think people will go "gaga" over. Now I feel better just writing what I think on any given day, interesting, fascinating, dull and boring, whatever. I am fortunate at this point to say that there are 43 people who at the very least have a passing interest in what I have to say, and for that, I would like to say that I'm grateful. It helps to know that someone is listening.

The other part of why I started this blog is the one that intrigues me the most however. I started writing down my thoughts here in late July, and now it is late November. It hasn't been a cut and dry "step by step" process, but there has definitely been change. I'm happy about it, I have a clearer sense of self; for this has really been a journey of self discovery, one that is still ongoing. A learning process if you will. I love to learn.

I made a decision. I decided to write what I thought, not so much what I feel. This is the result. Oh, the feelings are still there, but I threw a tarp over them and bungee corded it down real tight, to keep them a little more in control. There are more changes in the air, but you know, there is ALWAYS change in the air. That's not profound, or dramatic, it's just a fact. Sure, I can "feel" if there is a major change coming, but in all actuality, the feeling is there all the time. So it's not something I should see as profound, at least not EVERY time. Or maybe I should focus on the change itself, not the fact that there is a "big spooky change coming!" Whoooooooo!

It's funny how life is so much better, and yet nothing in my mundane world has changed at all. Attitude is everything. I still post about my feelings, but not always the bad ones. Tomorrow is another day, the first day of the rest of my life, so I'm going to make it a good one.

Talk to you tomorrow!

How is everyone tonight?

2009-11-21T02:44:00.000-06:00

Hello blog world, how are you tonight? Good? Great!

To those of you who are sick, I hope you feel better soon, seems there are many colds and flu bugs running around.

I just decided to write tonight as I am just about to watch a movie and then retire myself. Night at the Museum 2, I've watched about an hour of it already, and it's been a good one so far.

I've had a lot going on in my mind lately, not much in the real world. I've been really up and down emotionally, but I have again learned something about myself. I'd like to say it's been nice to have this blog to write things down in, to let them out to the world as it were, whatever world this is.

Seems like there's a lot of buzz about Oprah ending her show, and is it 2011 I hear? Does anyone else NOT care about this? Did everyone think she was going to do it forever or something? Just my opinion.

Kids are selfish brats. Only a kid makes a birthday card for their grandmother and cries because they don't get to use the same stuff the other kids do, I mean really, grandma isn't going to love it any less just because it doesn't look like all the others' stuff. It occurred to me that kids don't make cards for birthdays and other holidays for the grownups to tell them they love them, instead, it's yet another opportunity to grab the attention, a way to make themselves feel "special" somehow. I had to tell the kid that his self worth does not hinge on foamy sticky backed letters. Grandma will love him anyhow. Jeez. He did get to use them of course, but still, the lesson is there. How selfish are we as humans to allow ourselves to get upset over something that is supposed to be a completely selfless act? I know I shouldn't expect a kid to understand that, but I mean, why not? Maybe if we learned as kids that our self worth has nothing to do with what others think, but it is in ourselves, we would not grow up to be selfish, needy, and spineless adults. I'm one that knows from experience, my whole life until very recently was just like this, and 98% of it was because of feeling inadequate, I was so worried about what others thought of me. I let others determine my self worth.

Well enough of that, I'll get off my soapbox now. Hell what's a soapbox anyway? Why can't I just say I'm done preaching and that be good enough? Interesting isn't it? I said that because it's what I thought people would want to read. But it's not about that. So, done preaching, end of story.

This is something. I went to the kitchen to make something to eat just a minute ago, and while I was doing that, I went out to the den to check out the Star Trek Enterprise rerun on tv, then came back to the kitchen. I heard a noise coming from the bathroom (it's adjacent to the kitchen)that sounded like the shower running. I decided to go see who in the world is taking a shower at 2 in the morning, and to my surprise, the cold water line going to the sink had turned into a geyser! I caught it before it made a major mess, but what if I hadn't gone to make something to eat, and had gone to bed instead? Holy moley! It may have been hours before anyone noticed, and what a mess that would have been. That's just amazing to me. The timing could not have been better. I got the valve turned off, and will deal with fixing it tomorrow, but wow, that was just cool.

I'm going to turn on that movie now, and then go to bed, but when I have something else to say I'll be back.

The post that almost wasn't

2009-11-20T03:36:00.000-06:00

I almost didn't do this post.

Every time I post, it's about my feelings. Even a post I do that I swear up and down won't be about feelings, it will always end up being about them anyway.

I just don't want to do it. I have been mulling over my feelings for 3 days now, and I've come to no conclusions. I saw my brothers yesterday, they stopped to drop off some of my stuff. To make a long story short, they were traveling out west to take my parent's stuff from one house to another, and since they had some of my stuff from when I was a kid, they stopped by here to drop it off. Well they would have had their rental truck not broken down an hour down the road. So we (meaning myself, the shrew, and the kids) went to go meet them while the truck was being repaired. I got 8 boxes of stuff.

Well I got home too late last night to really look through it all, so I did most of the looking through today. As you can imagine it was quite a stroll down memory lane. High school yearbooks, pictures from grade school, every scrap of art I ever did, oh and that drum I mentioned a few posts back, the one from the '76 fourth of July parade. That was quite a thing to behold, still in excellent condition, and now it is in my possession, amazing, after 33 years. There were some things I had forgotten about, like two marionettes I played with as a child, a battery powered boat, and assorted odds and ends like my baseball glove, and some books and magazines.

The things that brought back the most memories by far were the 3 yearbooks, well 4 if you count the one from basic training for the Navy. Two of the books were from the high school I graduated from, and the other was from the Christian school I went to in the 4th and 5th grades. 1989, 1988, and 1981. I saw pictures of those I saw in classes every day, most of whom I had forgotten, but it all came flooding back just leafing through those books for the first time in 20 years. Then, I started reading the "autographs". There was a recurring theme. "You are a good friend." "You are the nicest guy." "You are so sweet, don't ever change, and don't be so down on yourself". Oh and my personal favorite, "Good luck with all the girls". See, I was a bit of a nerd in school, always the teacher's pet, getting the A's and B's, but had no luck with women. You might say I had no clue how to land a date. Not that my mother would have let me go on one, but at least I was making the attempt at procuring a girlfriend. And I liked EVERY girl it seemed. When one would shoot me down, I would just move along to the next one that struck my fancy, or more likely the one who showed even the slightest bit of interest in me. Ridiculous behavior, deplorable, and a little psychotic, if I do say so myself, it's a wonder ANY of the girls ever talked to me.

But I digress. It made me realize that when it came to women, I tended to be a little obsessive, and possessive; if there was a girl I thought I could "acquire", she was all I thought about, and for all intents and purposes, she was MINE. I was jealous of ANYONE who talked to her, or showed any interest in her. I'm sad to say that this thought process did carry over into my adult life, but only through seeing it with those adult eyes and looking back at the fool I was was I able to see that it was something I have done all my life.

The thing is, now I have a completely different idea as to what "love" is, and not just as in the differences from a child to an adult, but a really different way to approach how I feel the emotion. What I felt before, what I thought was love, was nothing more than infatuation, even lust. Not to mention the dire need I had for love and affection from the opposite sex to feel "complete", to feel "validated". I'm not going to go into it right now, I just don't have the words for it. Suffice it to say I have felt love, real love, and it's nothing like what I thought before, or what I ever thought it could be.

I don't want to talk about feelings. Logic has it's place, alongside the emotions. The memories I re-lived today and just my state of mind in the last few days, maybe a week or so, has me thinking I'm ready to move on. I have never felt before like I do now.

I guess I know now that I can let go. Yes it will be sad, I will be upset, I may even cry. But I can let it go. This isn't one of those 'I'm losing everything I ever loved, holy crap what am I gonna do' feelings. It's a sense of nothing lasts forever, and change is inevitable. Those that love me still will, and those that don't probably never did, but regardless of what others feel, it's about how I feel about myself that really counts. I no longer have a desperate need to be loved, for I have embraced who and what I am, and that alone gives me the thought process to let things go.

There is no need for the excessive flood of emotion. The obsessions and out of control way I dealt with my feelings was wrong, and if I had not seen it before, I do now. If I had one way to describe it, the words would read something like "man discovers inner adult, and puts him in charge, and puts the child to bed." That's really been the thought process for so long, one that has been very juvenile. I don't even think I had a clue what that was up until recently. I have had an epiphany or two along the way, and maybe this is one too, but either way, as I think about it more and more, ( a counterproductive operation in itself) I sense a change taking place, something profound yet so simple.

And that's what brings me back to the post that almost wasn't. I didn't really want to post about my feelings, but I just need to purge them from time to time, and so this was what happened. I've always been dramatic in my writing, and a little preachy, always wanting to make a point, give everyone that "bang" that hits 'em right between the eyes. Sorry about that folks. Sometimes you just want to read something because you want to read about someone, not get a "moral to the story" every single time. I actually had the audacity to say I know how everyone feels, that we are all the same. Oh we ARE the same all right. We know whether we want to read something that is self righteous, or go to the next blog with something more entertaining. Now that's not to say I'm putting what I wrote before in the garbage heap, it's what I felt like writing that day. I just read my own stuff later sometimes and say "what the heck was I thinking?"; "but you know, it's pretty good for that day". Cause I change every day, little things, details, I learn new things that change me.

So here I am, just writing. The weather has been good, a little rain here and there, the temperatures dropping a bit, but it's been good. My brothers seemed to be in good spirits, and the stuff they brought was amazing. The older I get it seems we look less and less alike. The kids had fun spending time with them, however brief it was, after all, one of them had not even met my youngest brother. The last time I saw him was 10 years ago, before she was born. So I was happy they finally met face to face.

I guess I should end this now, it's getting late/early. 7 o'clock comes pretty early.

Another song

2009-11-16T01:18:00.001-06:00

This is another song by the group Shinedown I came across called "Call Me". The lyrics are pretty close to how I feel in my current situation, which many of you know about. If not, read some of my earlier posts about the "shrew". There are some parts that are not at all how I feel about that, but they do apply to how I felt at other times in my life, oddly enough. This song has so much more meaning than just the lyrics, I mean without the music or the presentation as it is, it doesn't pack the same punch. Every time I hear it I just about cry. That's saying something too, as even in private I am not emotionally moved to tears very often. Anyone surprised to hear me say that?

Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I'd be able to say
I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

[Chorus]
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

[Chorus]
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I'll always keep you inside, you healed my
Heart and my life... And you know I try.

[Chorus]
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way

I don't know

2009-11-15T03:07:00.000-06:00

Tonight I feel like I am moving through the middle of the transition of this change that's taking place, you know, the one a lot of people have been feeling lately. The energy of the universe is constantly changing, but at this particular moment, it seems to be a bigger change than "normal".

Right now it feels like the eye of the storm. Nothing really changing, or just subtlety so, but the knowledge that the "rest" of the big shift is on the horizon is very prevalent.

I'm really getting upset about not having a job. Frustrated is probably a better word. Now I don't want to go off on some "oh woe is me" tangent, as that would just do nothing but put everyone in a bad mood, and be counterproductive for me, but I just wanted to put that out there. I just need to try harder, and I'm sure it will happen. At least that's what the cards say. The cards never lie, so for me, I know there is a job in my near future, and I'll be sure to give you all the excruciating details when it happens.

There's not much going on in my mundane world at all right now, other than the usual hustle and bustle of having five kids in the house. I've had a lot of time to think, which in and of itself has been an amazing thing. I've been noticing an increase in my awareness. The "vibes" in a room, the emotional state of someone I'm around, I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I can "hear" everything. I told you in my last post about a song I found for raising incredible amounts of energy. I have noticed as I have practiced doing it knowing what I was actually doing, it feels different. I have always had my "power" songs, ever since I was a teen. I have always felt that shiver down my spine while listening to one, but now, it's my whole body. I can feel it in my hands, I can really feel the energy, it's an awesome feeling, and so humbling at the same time. It's a feeling of knowing I have been given a gift, and I am honored and privileged to pass it along to others who might need it. I want to heal others, and I want to take negative energy they have and turn it into positive. I hope that no one reading this thinks I'm bat shit crazy now, because this is real. I feel like I was born to be an energy "processing plant", intuitively sensing it, and moving it where it needs to go. That's what a channeler is, right? I plan to meditate on this, and see what the universe has to say about it.

I've also really tried to dive right into my studies on the tarot, trouble is, I haven't got a deck. So I am improvising for the moment with a regular deck of playing cards, and we seem to be getting along well. It's like they understand, and are doing the best they can, just as I am. It is my understanding that it was meant to happen for me this way, to help me to better understand that it's not so much the cards' magic, but my own magickal energy and intuition that is what I'm utilizing. The human condition has always been something I've felt I had a sort of intuition about, somehow I just "know" how things are going to progress, how people feel. I feel like it's a "coming home" of sorts that I started learning about the tarot, like it was what I was meant to do. Not sure where that comes from, but it's a strong feeling I have.

Wait I can't be a channeler AND a tarot card reader can I?

I don't know.

Any ideas anyone?

A Song

2009-11-14T16:27:00.000-06:00

I came across a song I hadn't heard in a long time last night, and the lyrics are just incredible to me. The song is called "Burning Bright" by the group Shinedown. It's songs like this that I use if I want to raise a lot of energy, and the reference to the light and dark, it's just "me".

This is the best "vid" I could find on Youtube, most are of live performances and have very poor sound quality.

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning bright

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning bright

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning

I feel like there is no need for conversation

Veteran's Day

2009-11-12T14:08:00.000-06:00

I went to my kid's elementary school yesterday for the veteran's day lunch. We vets get to eat with our kid. Nothing special. We could do that any day. I mean yeah, if you get there at the right time there may be a class that's singing or something, but for the most part it's just a time for the vet to sit and eat lunch with their child or grandchild.

Every year since my kids started at this school I have done this. Every year. I did serve in Desert Storm in the Navy, so I am in fact a veteran, but for me, it's so anticlimactic. You've heard the saying "If you like your freedom, thank a vet". Well I can tell you with all assuredness that you have very little to thank ME for in having your freedom. I was a lowly peon on a lowly ship that did very little in the cause for freedom. It was our job to escort ships, look for mines, and generally just be a military presence in the Persian Gulf in case the bad guys decided to start anything with a merchant vessel. However, if someone DID start something, we were only armed with a pitiful 3 inch gun, so the damage we could dish out would in fact be less than spectacular if we hit anything at all. We had a missile launcher, but even at that time the missiles we carried were quickly becoming obsolete, and were rarely used. Besides, with the boats the Iraqi forces were using, and yes I said boats, a missile would be ineffective. Well actually if it hit one it would be major overkill, but as they were not designed for such small targets I doubt they would have even come close. The gun too, therefore, would be overkill at best. The Navy designates any craft longer than 100 feet as a ship, and anything shorter as a boat. Most of the stuff the Iraqis were using probably didn't reach 50 feet, at least the stuff I saw. So the best weapons we had at our disposal were a couple of 50 caliber machine guns and a 25 mm cannon. Makes one feel REALLY safe, lemme tell you. That's what happens when you take a ship originally designed to be a Coast Guard vessel and turn it into a fairly decent antisubmarine warfare platform. It sucks as a surface combatant. Got great sonar, some torpedo tubes, and the ability to launch a helicopter with a torpedo attached, but little else in the way of weaponry or armor. Oh yeah, the hull was only about a half an inch thick. Great armor. So someone explain to me why we needed to "escort" the Iowa class battleship Wisconsin (BB-64) with its 16 inch thick armor? Oh yeah, I forgot, they had really crappy sonar, and couldn't have found a mine unless they hit it first. Not the greatest way to minesweep.

This was the ship I was stationed on, the USS McInerney (FFG-8) The missile launcher is up there in the front, the gun is up on the uppermost deck about in the middle.

This is a pic of the gun firing, this one is on the USS Boone (FFG-28).

This is a pic of the missile launcher firing a missile, this one is onboard the USS George Philip (FFG-12). Well was, she's been decommissioned.

This is the battleship Wisconsin (BB-64). I have no idea what the contraption is on the front there, but you can see the massive guns these ships were armed with.

This is a photo of both classes of ships next to each other so you can see the tremendous difference in size. The ships are the USS Halyburton (FFG-40) and the USS Iowa (BB-61). The FFG's, or Fast Frigate Guided Missile, are 450 feet long, whereas the battleship is almost 890 feet.

So anyhow, we were out there doing our duty for God and Country, and you know what my job was? To keep the diesel generators wiped down, watch and make sure all the guages read where they were supposed to, and keep a watch on all the other "auxiliary" equipment to make sure it was running properly. Now on a Navy ship, "auxiliary" equipment pretty much means everything that isn't the main engines. With the exception of the waste treatment equipment. Thankless job for the poor bastards that had to deal with that. Sewage, yeeesh. Anyway, for me this meant that I had to assist in monitoring the air conditioning equipment, refrigeration equipment, air compressors (both low and high pressure), the hydraulic steering gear and fin stabilizers (needed as the ship was not designed to be on the open ocean originally, see above), and my personal favorite, the desalinization plants. Making fresh water was a neverending task while underway. It got used up in a hurry, and we could never seem to keep up with the demand. I was the guy that stood that watch on occasion, but for the most part, I was standing watch on everything else. And that's my point, folks, to me, it was just me doing my job. The ship required a lot of equipment to keep running, and it was my job along with about 30 other guys to make sure the ship was supplied with electricity and water, no small task, but like I said, to me, and a lot of the other guys, it was just a job we did each and every day, just like everyone back home.

I don't think the soldiers on the front lines in the myriad of wars in the history of the United States could say that it was "just a job". These guys were and are in the line of fire, really in danger. I never once got shot at, never once felt like I could die at any moment. Well there were the mines, I mean yeah, we could have hit one, and because I was working in engineering, I would probably been the first one to "buy it", so I guess I was in danger, but that was such an "IF". For soldiers on the front lines, it's more of a "when" in my opinion. For me, veterans are people who put themselves in harms way to bring freedom to those who don't have it, get shot at and killed doing their "job".

So I am a "veteran", but I'm thanking the soldiers today and every day for giving me MY freedom.

Oh and one last photo, to show you the amazing firepower of a battleship compared to a frigate. This is just ONE of the guns firing!

*all pics courtesy of www.navsource.org*

Post coming

2009-11-12T04:21:00.000-06:00

Just a note to say I am working on a post I had hoped to be finished before now, involving veteran's day.

I have a lot to say on that, and I am including pictures, but it is taking longer than I'd hoped to finish.

I apologize and hope everyone will enjoy it when it IS complete.

Oh and look for Random Rants again soon.

Have a great day everyone! Brightest blessings and love and light to you all!

Rayden

The post of a lifetime, my lifetime

2009-11-10T04:47:00.000-06:00

I've had this post rolling around in my head for quite some time now, and I hope I can get it all down.

My last post was just the beginning rantings on how I see the world and the people in it, and I'd like to thank Jupiter for mentioning it in her last post, and for helping to inspire this one. I'd also like to thank Bella for her constructive criticism and her constant support. You both have my gratitude and love.

The thing is folks, I WAS really scared to even broach the subject, because in a lot of ways I don't think everyone feels like me. It has been brought to my attention lately through some pretty heated arguments with family members that I had a pretty fouled up childhood. The way I view life and people is very possibly different than that of most of you. And then again, maybe, just maybe, it's pretty much the same.

My parents were very devout Christians, still are, especially my mother. Any conversation we have will inevitably come back to something to do with God and what he says I ought to be doing. My entire childhood was based on the idea that "God's" way was the only way, and that anything else was straight from the devil. She even called me the "antichrist" one time because of something I did, or maybe it was because of the attitude I had with her, I don't know, but anyway, that was the general "vibe" of things.

Now I don't want this to turn into a whinefest of how bad my childhood was for me, but I need to explain and tell this stuff just so you can understand my thought process.

Many, and I do mean many, of my childhood memories are of the "bad" things that happened to me. I remember some of the good, but the greater majority of the stuff I remember really vividly were times I would call traumatic for me. Not your death and destruction kind of trauma, just the kinds of things that scare the pants off of you when you are a kid. Fear, yeah, that's it. That was a recurring theme for me growing up. My parents seemed to have a knack for making me be afraid of them, and of life in general.

Here's the breakdown:

Approx. 3 years old, after coming home from day care with the lady that lived behind us: I had had breakfast at home, and had then gone to her house and eaten again. My mother found out about this, and became furious with me, saying something about "she's going to think I don't feed you, don't you ever do that again!" I was 3! How the hell was I supposed to know that eating food I was offered was wrong?

5 years old, 4th of July parade, 1976, the Bicentennial year(yeah I know, I'm so dating myself): I was dressed in colonial garb, carrying a drum, beating on it as my parents dragged a homemade float that looked like a birthday cake behind them. We had saved toilet paper roll tubes for months before that so they could be used as "candles" on the float. I had wandered too far ahead of them pulling this float, and my mom yelled out my first AND middle name to me in this blood curdling scream I had never heard from her before. I got so scared I ran back to her quickly so as to not bear too much of the brunt of whatever wrath she was to bestow upon me for doing something so terrible as to get too far ahead. I knew by this point that when she used my middle name I was in deep doo doo. And speaking of doo doo..........

Again, 5 years old, after a trip to Kmart in which I didn't make it to the bathroom in time and did a number 2 in my pants: I am placed in the shower with my underwear still on while my mother berates me as she has been doing the whole way home from Kmart, and then she proceeds to take the soiled undergarments off of me and rubs them in my face. Yes, folks, disgusting, and traumatic as hell to this already scared kid, and to this day she denies she did it. This is the incident that when I have discussed my childhood with others I have been told I was abused, mentally if nothing else. But as a child, what did I know about abuse? To me this was mom's normal behavior. Needless to say I still have issues with knowing where the bathrooms are in Kmart.

These are just the first 3 of many other occasions in my childhood that I remember being scared of my parents, especially my mother. My dad wasn't much better. There was this one time I got kicked from behind into a cupboard full of pots and pans because of something I did, don't remember what it was, but that one at least I find to be a little funny. At any rate, as you have probably already surmised, I was brought up in a VERY strict environment, but not only that, I was expected to be the brainiac among my siblings, as I had shown a certain skill with academics.

I guess at this point I should back up and mention that I have an older sister and two younger brothers. Now of course to my mother this meant that for me being the eldest son that I had responsibilities according to the bible to be better, more prepared, the one that ultimately will inherit the job of patriarch of the family (and to get the lion's share of the inheritance too mind you, don't know yet how that's going to work out). So when I was tested at a young age to be placed in the "gifted" classes at school, and I "failed" the maturity part of the test, and was not placed with the gifted kids, it meant of course that I was a complete failure and I had made her and dad look like they had not raised me right. You tell me what 5 or 6 year old boy is "mature". Anyhow, from that day onward, for the duration of my schooling up to and including high school, I was still expected to achieve straight A's in all of my classes, regardless of the subject matter. As far as I knew, the test results had shown me to have a superior intellect to my peers, and I was expected to use it. But what to my surprise happens when I DO use my "gift", and get the A, and the other children don't, and I act proud of myself, even a little arrogant? I again get in trouble. And the real kicker? Those test results showed me to be above average, sure, but not exceedingly so. And not a whisper on there about any "maturity" testing. I know, as I have finally seen the actual results. Just got the paper about it a few weeks ago from my parents as they were cleaning out some stuff and they thought I might like to have it along with a bunch of other paperwork from that time period (report cards and the like). Imagine learning 33 years later that you are not in fact a genius, but only mildly advanced. Well I take that back, I have taken IQ tests since that time and found that it was in the 145-150 range, so I DID know, but that was just the icing on the proverbial cake.

Anyway, so there I am, at the young age of 6, already with self esteem issues. I'm damned if i do, and damned if I don't. You want me to do these things, but it's wrong of me to be proud of myself. Every little move I make is somehow a problem. My mom berated me and hounded me constantly for how I ate, how I talked, even for how I breathed on one occasion. What was I supposed to think? I still had no clue that this behavior from a parent might be considered abuse. I was afraid to be around her and dad, but mostly her. I didn't want to move, was too scared to do anything, for fear of her coming down on me. And what made matters worse was that as "biblical" as she was, she believed that dad was the head of the household, and therefore the responsibility to administer discipline fell to him. So if I got in trouble for something, it meant hearing it from her, the lectures for two hours, and then waiting fearfully for dad to come home and hear it from him and to get the subsequent spanking. I can't tell you how many hours as a child I spent just sitting in fear waiting for dad to come home knowing how mad he'd be, and how bad the spanking would hurt.

As you can see, fear was a very big part of life for me, and to make matters worse, I was taught by my parents to be afraid of everything and everybody in the "world" as well. Oh they were evil, from the devil, God forbid we eat or speak or play with the heathens that plagued the planet. If they did not go to church, or the activity was not church related, I wasn't going to be present. I guess that's why I missed out on Boy Scouts, or sports. Mom said football was too violent, so that was a no go, heck the only sports they watched on tv was the Olympics when they came around. Of course I had no "natural" athletic talent either, so what was the point in me even trying? Couldn't swing a bat, or kick a ball, practicing and doing it with my peers would not have improved my skill at all. Another thing was clothes. Just because Jimmy wears this, doesn't mean that I should too. Cool? I don't need to look "cool". God says we should be in the world, but not "of" it. Oh and don't forget, you might step on something and hurt your foot, so you have to wear shoes at ALL times, even at home, indoors. And music? Only classical, not a whisper of another tune except for maybe Neil Diamond. They apparently had "their" song by him, so on occasion that record would go on the turntable. The radio however was always and only tuned to the local public radio/classical music station for us to listen to during dinner. I missed out on SO many things growing up because of their very completely narrowminded view of what was acceptable for their children to be exposed to.

Now I ask you, had you been me, and were already deathly afraid to even move around your parents, do you think it would have entered your mind to try to sneak out and do the things you really wanted to do? Oh sure, I thought about it, but I was just to paralyzed by the fear of what would happen to me if caught that I simply did nothing, and took whatever they dished out.

What I am getting at in all of this is that most of you did not have a childhood like this, but you did have one, and did a lot of the same things I did, and felt a lot of the same way I did too, right? No? Okay, so I was "sheltered" as a child. Does that mean that now I don't have any idea of what goes on? Of what people are like? Quite the contrary. I spent the greater part of my childhood observing, unable to participate. Watching others while they did what I wanted so badly to do, and observed as they succeeded or failed, and how they reacted to it. And when my father wasn't angry at me for something, he was doing a bang up job of teaching me stuff about how he saw people, and what he thought life was about. He is and was to me a good judge of character, he had a job that required him to be one. The president of the local chapter of the union in the chemical plant. AFL-CIO or something. He was the guy that had to get the management of the company and the representatives of the members of the union to sit down and agree on plans of action to deal with grievances from folks on either side. He was an kind of arbiter. Of course he was also one of those union members, a common worker in the plant, so it was in his best interest to make things work. So I did find out a thing or two about how people settle arguments, how to use logic instead of worrying about how you feel about something, and how to determine that this guy or that guy is lying through his teeth, he has no intention of doing what he says. I gained a lot of knowledge on basic human emotions, and how people deal with them, especially in a perceived "volatile" environment.

Oh and we did go camping as a family every summer, so I was taught how to fish and build a fire and basically live without technology (well most of it anyway). And we went to all the historical monuments and tourist attractions up and down the east coast it seemed and went to Niagara Falls, so I did get out and "see the world" in some respects. Sheltered, yes, maybe, but there were lots of places I went, and things I saw and did that the other kids surely didn't see or do, not all of them at least.

It has been 20 years since I left home, but of course the memories are still there, and the upbringing I had has shaped me into what I am today. I have lived another lifetime since then, and probably learned double what I did in that time. My ideas about how people in general will behave under certain circumstances has not changed very much, but has been augmented by 20 more years of life experience.

All this talking and I still haven't said what I meant to say in the beginning. I believe that each of us is the same, we all have the same basic emotions and the same desires for our lives. What is different is which of those emotions we have decided to make as the core of who we are. Even someone who appears to be unemotional has in fact decided to be apathetic, which IS an emotion. Mine for most of my life was fear. Now it's more love than anything else, but until very recently I was even fearful about that. Either way, in reading blogs, or observing and listening to people as I go through life, I find myself more and more realizing that I am not that much different than everyone else, except in the way I have chosen to take my experiences and incorporate them into my interactions with others. My feelings are much the same. So before I judge someone for showing a feeling I think is "wrong" for a situation, I'm going to sit back and think if I were them, with their life, would I not do the same? My reactions internally say I feel one feeling, but I've been taught to show something else. Or maybe I've been taught to show exactly the emotion I feel, and to show it to the extreme. Feelings are never wrong or right, they are what we are, and we are just a product of our experiences. My experiences might be different, but my feelings are the same, and I think I might just feel the same way as you.

There's this post.......

2009-11-09T18:03:00.002-06:00

There's this post going around in my head.

It's about the way I see the world, what I've observed in people. I want it to be concise, and be in order, so no one gets confused. The timetable needs to be linear.

Some things I can't get out. They just are thoughts that rattle around in my head from day to day, random observations, feelings really. I've been alive for 38 years, and done a lot of observing. I'm also very good at recognizing patterns. And people have patterns. Patterns of attitude, of actions, reactions in a given situation.

My dad told me once that times change but people don't. People, whether it be the 21st century, or the 16th, have the same desires, the same emotions, the same attitudes. Only the date has changed, and maybe a little technology.

So armed with this knowledge, and having studied history, and from my own observations, I have a catalogue in my head of sorts of different types of people.

You know, the loud obnoxious ones, the quiet but oh so deep ones, the ones that seem to be friends with everyone and have a great life on the surface but behind closed doors they are a psychopath? The drama queen, the guy who thinks he's some kind of gift to women, the nerdy dude who has NO clue he could be with women if he would just loosen his tie.

I meet new people, and within 5 or 10 minutes of talking to them, I have them in one of these boxes in my head. Oh he's one of those guys, better watch I don't act too overly concerned with him. She's such a ditz, bet she can't even get around her house without a GPS. I do this stuff a lot, put things in boxes. It's the way my brain processes information.

I really wish I could post about it. I feel like I need to get my thoughts on paper, or at least electronic paper, but I just can't seem to get started on it.

People just piss me off sometimes. I'm nice and sweet on the outside, but on the inside I am just as selfish as anyone else. I want stuff to go my way too. I have a duality to me, kind and caring, but inside cruel and completely uncaring.

I'm like everyone else, show my nice side to the world, but inside, I'm saying "What the f--- do I care?"

I've studied humans my whole life, and we go through this life never thinking that others may have the same problems and feelings as us. We are always alone in our own minds. Trouble is, every damned one of us is in the same boat. Ok, so you have had different experiences than me. Does that mean I can't possibly know how you may be feeling? So even if I had a different experience but found I had the same emotion means I don't understand where you are? "No, you don't understand, you just have to go through that to know."

Pfft. Whatever. Why do we have to even be selfish about our emotions? Just let me feel it with you, let me care, or not care, but don't shut me out. I bet there is another guy right now, maybe next door, or on the other side of the world, having the same problem I have right now. Who am I to say, "No, you can't be feeling like me!"? "You don't know how it feels."

I really wish I could get the post started. I have the need to tell someone how I feel.

I've been rolling it around in my head for a long time now, but it seems I'm not able to get the thoughts together enough to make a good post about it.

No one is immune to this. No one. I don't care how f---ing emotional you think you are or not, you are like this. The voice in your head that is right now saying either "wow he's saying exactly what I feel" or "this dude is so fake, he's made us think he's so sweet and look at him, I knew it!" Admit it, it may not be the exact words, but something along those lines has crossed your mind while reading this. Which is exactly my point. Every single one of us has the same attitudes and emotions, no matter how old or young we are. Some of you are in your 20s, just starting out in life. Some of you are a little older, looking at more days behind than there are ahead. But all of us get angry, get scared, get bored, we love, we hate, and sometimes, just feel like "blah".

Man I really wish I could get this in a post. This is some really good stuff.

How many times do I have to hear about someone falling in love before it becomes the same as my love? Oh but no, the love I have for my significant other is somehow different. No one has this feeling but us! Oh I bet you don't feel like we do, there is NO way you could.

Same goes for the "bad" emotions. I've never been so scared in my life! I can't write about this, what if everyone hates me, and I lose all my followers? Everyone will think I'm such an a--hole! You can't possibly know how it feels to be me!

Well guess what people. You DO know how I feel. Every time you set out to write a post, you feel just like I do. You are scared. You do think you will lose people. Oh sure, to varying degrees it may seem different, but the raw emotion is the same.

Sometimes you don't care. You don't say it, but you are just like me. You just don't want to hear it. Right now, if you are reading this, and you feel that way, go ahead, stop reading! How am I ever going to know it? BUT, if you are like me, and I know you ARE if you are human, you won't stop. Morbid curiosity overrides any and all other emotions. Gotcha there too don't I? You just can't stop reading, you want to know how it ends, because (and I could say deep down right now because that's what you expect but it's really not that deep is it?) you are just like me and you want to see if I feel like you do.

Man why can't I just start a post about this?

All day long, every day, I see and read and hear about what people are going through and how they feel. So what's wrong with me feeling the same way too? What if I don't want to hear it today? What if I love you more than anyone I've ever loved and I can't tell you? What if I'm scared to death, or want to cry, or don't want to cry, is that so wrong? You and I are more alike than you know, and I mean you. Yeah, you, the one staring at the computer screen. Do you think because your life is different you don't feel the emotions I feel? Well think again. Do I think you are reading this and for the first time in your life are realizing we are all the same? Truth is, I don't care. I felt like writing and this is what came out. Tell me you haven't ever done it. Oh and feel free to beat me up in the comments, there's lots I haven't said here. Of course you could also tell me you loved it too, or if you like, don't comment at all, because you just don't care either way.

Well I tell you, maybe someday I'll get this in a post. It's so hard to write about this, I just hope that someday I find the words.

I had a post

2009-11-08T04:49:00.000-06:00

I had a post, but now it's gone, I guess it will wait till morn.

All the words were in my head, but now I must go on to bed.

Maybe next time I won't wait, but write my thoughts all neat and straight.

If ever I come up with what I had, I'm really hoping it will make you glad.

And so my note shall end like this, I hope your night is filled with bliss.

Whispers of gods

2009-11-07T04:17:00.001-06:00

Another night, or is it morning?

The sounds, the whispers of the gods

They sound like dreams, they come to tell me

Hear our call, the world is changing

Every action, thought, and feeling

Is all connected, it all has meaning

Keep yourself quiet, keep aware

And you will see why you should care

Each word, each feeling, all has its purpose

Has links to present, past, future; I'm seeing

I know not what thread am I

In the tapestry of life ever weaving

Change is constant, change is certain

Some brings comfort, some brings pain

The darkness comes; lightning, rain

I feel a loss, I feel a gain, what is this feeling?

Change.

The elements; and, more randomness

2009-11-06T03:31:00.000-06:00

Well here I am again, writing in the wee hours of the morning.

I was pleasantly surprised this morning by all the comments I had on my "Randomization" post. Seems I shall have to try that again. Thanks everyone for your continued support!

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the four elements (air, fire, earth, and water)work together in nature, or in everyday life, and what happens if all 4 are combined.

I realized just a few minutes ago how simple it could be.

Try boiling a pot of water.

The pot can be thought of as earth, as it is made of metals from the earth.

The water is of course self explanatory.

The fire is as well, even if you are using an electric stove.

The air is also evident, as the water reaches boiling point.

All four elements, all present at the same time.

Not unlike the planet "Earth" itself.

The earth or crust is the "vessel" that holds the vast oceans of water that bring life to this planet.

The fires of lava underneath that warm and bring energy and movement to the earth above, for without this, the planet would die.

The air above, and within the earth, giving us protection from the bleakness of space, and providing key elements to the continuation of life.

All four elements, constantly working together, mixing, churning, being.

What are we, other than part of this entity that is "Earth"? All of us made of the four elements the same as she, and so she must be like us, just as conscious, just as alive.

It's funny that with all of our "technology" in the 21st century that we have forgotten the most basic of all truths that our ancestors took for granted. The earth is alive, she is conscious, every part of her, just as we are. We are parts of the whole, and when a part of her is destroyed, part of us will suffer as well.

I think the next time I boil water I will say a few words to the earth to thank her for giving me this insight, and tell her I will do my part to take care of her, for in doing so, I will be taking care of myself, and vice versa.

So ends the philosophical portion of my post.

Now on to more random things.

Has anyone ever figured out WHY we drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway?

I sleep with a blanket with penguins on it.

My daughter's conferences turned up half good, half bad results out of 6 classes.

I think daffodils are pretty.

Our dog eats more from the garbage and drinks from the toilet more than his food and water bowls.

I think this is going to become a routine on my blog, and I'll call it Random Rants.

Perhaps I will start to capitalize every word that starts in "R".

If you use a boomerang as a weapon, and you actually hit someone, what do you use for your second shot for the next guy?

Death by chocolate ice cream sounds like a great way to go. Oh wait, that's the name of the flavor? Either way, I am so on that.

Right now I am not wearing a shirt.

Ever heard the joke "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?"

Pilgrims.

Ok, one more.

I survived a collision with a truck while Riding my bike as a child, but only because the bike had a banana seat; the little bar securing the seat to the Rear wheel hub absorbed most of the impact.

If you want to see more of Random Rants, show me some comment love and I'll see about making it a Regular part of my Ranting Repertoire.

Randomization

2009-11-05T04:35:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking all day about posting, but I have had no idea what to post about.

I think I'll just say what I want to say, whatever comes to mind.

I still don't have a job, and the prospects don't look good.

And yet, I'm happy.

Life is going exactly as it should be.

Dogs don't know it's not bacon.

I am feeling the effects of advancing towards the age of 40.

When mowing around a garden, remember that watermelon plants crawl out of the bed.

Disturbed is one of the greatest bands in the history of music.

Snow is just frozen water.

Mac and PC are only different in their software, the hardware is almost identical.

I am learning every day that I know much less than I did when I was 20.

Tomato plants need LOTS of water.

Anyone else think that blogging at four in the morning is insane?

I need to clean my computer desk again.

There is a conference to go to at my seventh grader's school tomorrow, well tonight actually.

I want to go see the ocean, go out on a boat.

I miss Florida.

I had a dream about doing a tarot card reading last night.

I knew at one time what the capital of every state was by heart.

Yellow and blue DO in fact make green, just check out a toilet with one of those blue pellets in it.

The sink in the kitchen clogged up yesterday, the first time it's done that since it was put in two years ago.

My love life is not as important to me as it once was, and besides, it would help a whole lot if I got out of the relationship (if you can call it that) that I'm already in.

It gets dark so early now, I mean 4:30? Are you kidding?

I wonder if anyone will comment with the words "Great post!"?

Where in the world IS Carmen Sandiego?

If I go to a 5 star hotel, can I ask for fun size Snickers bars on my pillow instead of mints?

How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?

If I go to bed now, will I get enough sleep to be alert at 8 a.m.?

I'm going to go find out.

New Look!

2009-11-02T13:28:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone out in blogland!

I've got a new look!

What do you think?

Feel free to post some comments for me, I'm considering this as my permanent layout aside from seasonal stuff.

I hope everyone had a safe and blessed Samhain!

Happy Samhain!

2009-10-31T04:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Samhain everyone!

This is my first time celebrating this holiday, and I have to say I am a little disappointed I had to miss the first 37 of my life.

Samhain is all about honoring the people and things that have come before, and as many of you will be, on this day I will be remembering and reflecting on everything and everyone in my life that has brought me to where I am today.

I'm doing a simple ritual. I will be calling on my patron god and goddess, Cernunnos and Freya, to be with me for it. I'm writing down on a piece of paper all the things in my life that I want to get rid of, like laziness, and self pity, and self deprecation. I'm writing down all the things I want to replace those with, things like love, light, and a sense of responsibility and purpose. Then I'm going to burn that paper, like so many of you, and watch the smoke rise into the heavens carrying my will along with it, and then bury the ashes.

My time so far as a pagan has been spent mainly on personal growth. I had no idea when I started down this path that I would be required to look inside myself and confront my personal demons. I have had many difficulties working through my issues with ego, and embracing all that was and is part of me whether I found it palatable or not. It has been a exercise in humility, and it is still a work in progress.

I used to use a line I borrowed from the British television series "Doctor Who" whenever I felt I had achieved a new level of personal growth. In the show, the Doctor has the ability to "regenerate" whenever he is close to death, and becomes another person, at least in physical appearance. In one particular episode however, his 5th incarnation is working alongside all of his "former" selves, and he observes that their/his behavior has changed along with his appearance, and he says "I am not the man I was."

I no longer use that quote. If there is one thing I've learned being a pagan it's this.

I am not just a man. I am so much more. And in this new year, I plan to become more. To live my life as it was meant to be lived. To feel a connection to all of nature and to be thankful to be a part of it. To know that to be human, to be alive, is to experience the universe, to do, to act, for without action, without movement, nothing is gained, and eventually, we die.

Thanks to all of you who have walked with me on my path this year, even those of you who may have just joined me, your comments and your advice have given me the inspiration to be better than I am, and the courage to take the actions necessary to achieve my goals. Next year will be a good one, come what may, because I know that everything will unfold exactly as it should, and that, my friends, gives me a tremendous feeling of peace.

Brightest Blessings and Love and Light in this New Year!

Welcome to my Haunted Blog!

2009-10-29T00:17:00.000-05:00

Merry Meet and Brightest Blessings!

Hello everyone! Welcome to Rayden's Rants! I'm Rayden Darklighter, and these are my "rants"!

First I'd like to say thanks to Mrs. B for allowing me to be a part of her Haunted Blog tour, I am deeply honored.

I started this blog about 5 months ago, to put my thoughts and opinions on "paper". I had no idea it would develop a life of it's own, but in some ways, I feel like it has. I have made some awesome friends since I've been here, and I am amazed every day with the things I read from fellow bloggers.

For those of you that may not have been here to visit before, let me tell you a little about me.

I'm a 38 year old father of 3 gorgeous daughters, unhappily married(check out some of my older posts to see details on this), and fairly new to a pagan path. I spent some time in the U. S. Navy after graduating high school, including a deployment to the Persian Gulf for Operation Desert Storm(for info on this, check out my second post). After that I had some odd jobs before embarking on a ten year career working on cars. I went to a local vo-tech school a couple of years ago and got an associate's degree in network administration, and have had two jobs since working on computers, both of which I lost due to layoffs. I am presently still unemployed, so as it is for so many these days, life is particularly challenging.

I started down my pagan path about 7 months ago, and in that time, I have done a complete overhaul of my attitude on life and my connection to the planet, and found a patron god (Cernunnos) and goddess (Freya). I found a totem animal in the stag, and at present, I am studying the tarot.

I collect old and new desktop computer hardware and tinker with it. I have enough hardware right now to build at least a dozen functional computers, although most of them would be too slow to be of any practical use to anyone. I have a dream of opening a museum dedicated to old computers, so the children of tomorrow can see how far the PC has come.

I also love to take laptops apart and fix them. It's my absolute favorite thing to do whenever I get the chance and can tear myself away from facebook. Both of these "hobbies" have GOT to be mental diseases of some sort, I swear.

But anyway, thanks for stopping by, and please feel free to check out some of my older posts.

Love and light!

What I didn't say

2009-10-25T17:09:00.000-05:00

My last post covered in excruciating detail the tarot card spread I did, and my thoughts on how the message really hit home with me.

What I didn't mention in that post, what I didn't say, is why.

I have been guided along this path for 7 months now (7? really?) by someone most of you are familiar with.

She has been my constant companion, and I do mean constant, even though we live in different states; she has been my mentor, and the closest friend I have ever or will ever have. I have confided in her secrets I have never told anyone else, and probably never will. I have bared my soul to her, trusted her, allowed her to "see" literally all of what is in my head.

But I have also frustrated her with excuses, periods of inactivity, and just plain being stubborn.

She has tried and tried to get me to see what was coming, told me to get up and DO something and I didn't listen. Oh I heard the words, but I didn't "listen". I kept saying, "yeah, I get it", when in fact, I didn't.

Then, when I saw the cards and their meanings on that website, it finally clicked. I don't know why, it just did.

I wanted to write this post to acknowledge her and to thank her profusely for putting up with my BS for all this time, and to tell her that without her, I would not have made it as far as I have.

I could say she doesn't know how much she means to me, but I know she does, she has a gift, and even though I know she HATES gush, I just want to say that I love her in ways I didn't know were possible 7 months ago, our friendship defies description.

Who is this amazing woman you ask? Why, it's none other than Bella Foxglove. Don't know who that is? Well head on over to her blog, Wanderings of a Wondering Mind, and see for yourself.

A Tarot Reading

2009-10-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

Since I don't have a deck of tarot cards of my own, I went to this website and did a six card spread called "past, present, future". I asked the question, "What does the future have in store for me?", and this was the result. The pics of the cards are from the "Tarot of Dreams" set of cards, one of my favorites out of those I have seen.

1st card, The Querent

Knight of Wands (inverted)

This first card refers to the person asking the question, and their current circumstances, and/or immediate surroundings.

Inverted the Knight of Wands means(according to the site) that there is a quality of unattractiveness, a failure to close a deal or to convince. Also it means to have a state of mind that prevents growth, which is what stood out to me. I have a mindset that I usually "know" how things are going to happen, how people are going to act, there's a certain predictability to human behavior. I have come to the realization that this may not be the best way to think. Many times things do not fit into a box, people often have hidden agendas, there is more to life than meets the eye. My "predictability" complex is hindering my spiritual growth as well. I analyze the stimulus in a given situation, and extrapolate an outcome, based on my own life experience, and I am often wrong. I am stubborn, and slow to adopt a new idea especially if I don't agree 100%. This kind of thinking is what this card is telling me I need to get rid of, to grow and learn spiritually, as well as live life to the fullest.

2nd card, Oppositions

Seven of Wands

The "Oppositions" card gives insights into what forces or individuals stand in the way of progress. Or, as I think it means in this particular case, what qualities are lacking.

This card stands for courage. To stand up in the face of challenges and forces and fight for what you believe is right. To "seize the day" as it were. This I lack in all areas of my life. Whether it be relationships, work, or school, I have never really stood up for myself and what I believed in. I have always been one to choose flight over fight, and this card is telling me that I need to find courage to attain my goals, and to live life. Sometimes fighting is a GOOD thing to do. Not fighting with people, arguing with the shrew, but fighting for my right to be me, to aggressively chase the life I want.

3rd card, Histories

Strength (inverted)

"Histories" of course is all about the past. What has brought this person to this point? What or who has influenced? What has been the state of mind?

The Strength card inverted means clumsiness, a careless use of power that reveals underlying flaws. What this means to me is that I have had a past of lazily drifting through life with little to no real direction or intent, and that has brought me to the point I am now, with no job and a failing marriage. I think the thing that spoke to me the most about this card, and the whole reading really, is that it verified a lot about my life that I have been denying, for fear of feeling like a loser, being down on myself. But understanding past faults and acknowledging them is what I have to do to be able to move on. They are a part of what brought me to where I am today, and just because something I did may be viewed as bad, it doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me "me". Plus, there has been a LOT of good things that happened and good things I've done, and for some reason I have a tendency to focus on the negative. So it's time to leave the past in the past, acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.

4th card, Near futures

King of cups (inverted)

Here again, "Near futures" denotes exactly what it says, what's in the near future. How does the present affect tomorrow? What is coming next on the path?

The King of Cups inverted denotes the presence of a deserter, or someone who will betray. Someone with deep personal flaws, someone who influences by force, intimidation and fear. This card in this position gave me warning about my wife. She and I are not yet in the midst of a divorce, but we want to be. The only thing standing in the way is finances. She is just this type of person, always trying to force her way, she has very little ability to compromise. I have reason to believe she is making plans to leave with the kids. It won't be bad to be split up from her, I think she and I agree we are going in different directions, but it WILL be bad to be away from my girls. So if she is in fact making plans, that is not going to end well. We'll see.

5th card, Strategies

Death

The "Strategies" card gives insight into mindsets and courses of action to help the "querent" as he or she moves into the future, shows things to be mindful of.

The Death card signifies the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. It can also mean the loss of personal property, or a larger trend coming to a close. This one seemed pretty obvious to me, as I understand that my life is about to change significantly. A divorce has a tendency to do that. Greater than that, my spiritual life is going through a pretty big change too, so again, pretty obvious. I think on top of all that though, the thing I need to be most mindful of is that things are always changing, nothing ever stays the same. Change is good, and it's about time I embraced the idea.

6th card, Wholeness

4 of Pentacles (inverted)

The "Wholeness" card depicts the energy of the whole situation, and gives insight as to the outcome, and its defining issue.

The 4 of pentacles inverted is interpreted as "the perfect storm". As the site says "an unfortunate coincidence for which one is not prepared". This seems pretty danged dire to me, like my whole world is about to blow up in my face, and I am not ready for it. Ties into the near future card I think, if things go as they are going now, I'm sure it will. So, I must prepare myself. Double my efforts to look for a job. Make sure I have suitable living arrangements. Just make sure I look out for signs of trouble.

Well that was my reading. It was a real eye opener for me. It was all stuff I knew about, stuff I knew I should be mindful of, things I should change, but as of yet, had done little to do so. Other things I had only suspected are now more or less verified. I don't know exactly what is going to happen obviously, but it seems pretty clear from all the warning signs that unless I do something, the future doesn't look too bright. I don't know what to say other than I'm happy I got this insight, because now I can move ahead with plans of my own and know that it should be a step in the right direction. For a while now I have not really thought about what I would do to start a new life, but I feel this reading is telling me that I should get off my duff and get going, get started with my new life.

It is also telling me I am a product of my life experiences, and that I should embrace all the aspects of what got me to today, including the good stuff. I'm so negative all the time, I mean sometimes it doesn't show here on my blog, but trust me, I am a "expect the worst and hope for the best" kind of person. I'm a pessimist. But what about the good? I've have lots of amazing and really great memories from my childhood and my adulthood prior to today. Why not use those, instead of focusing on the bad? Life really is what you make it, and it seems I am making it bad by thinking negative thoughts.

I have also noticed that I have been going around and around with these thoughts for several months now. All the signs have been pointing to me needing to change, to embrace the change, and I have heard, but I have not "listened". I talk and I talk, but what gets done to move ahead? Not much. Am I ready to get on with life, ready to live? Or am I going to go back to the same thought process? Every time so far, I have just gone back to being the same old me after a short flameup. No passion, no drive, just blah. This tarot reading is SCREAMING at me, saying, WAKE UP DUDE, OR YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!!!

I posted this mainly because of the affect it had on me, but I wanted to say also that if there is anyone else out there who is in the same boat, and is struggling changing their mindset, I'd love to hear from you. I am happy to have gotten this revelation, and I wanted to share to help and uplift anyone else who may feel like me.

A day in the life

2009-10-24T02:27:00.000-05:00

I've been remiss in something.

I haven't really talked about my life. What it's like to be me. What I do every day. What I eat, where I sleep, you know, just life in general.

I wake up most days on a couch. I can't sleep in the bed because it's full of my children and the shrew. I call her that because she is usually very upset with me and argumentative because I don't have a job. I'm not a bum, but it's been almost a year since I've had one, so it's understandable she's a bit pissed off.

But I digress. I sleep on a couch because we live with my mother in law and her husband. We've lived with them for 2 years now, because I lost a job I had back then to a layoff, and we had to move in with them or be on the street. I got another job soon after, but then I got laid off from that job too, and have not had one since. I work on computers, I have an associate's degree in network administration, but there are no jobs in this town working on computers. So, I apply for any job I can get. I go out after I take the kids to school, my three girls, and my niece and nephew that also live with us. I used to go to the career center and check out what jobs they had a couple of times a month. Real effort there huh? Well I figured out that I wasn't going to get a job that way, so I started recently going out and just picking up applications from anywhere and everywhere, filling them out, and turning them in. No calls yet, but at least now I feel like I'm making a better effort.

I don't eat very well, but it's not because there isn't food to eat. It's my selection of what I want that is what's bad. Chocolate chip cookies, plain cake donuts, Drumstick ice cream cones, those little resealable bags of cookies that you can get in several varieties, you get the idea. It's amazing that I haven't gained a bunch of weight considering that most of my day consists of either sitting in a car driving, or sitting here on this couch with my laptop playing around on facebook, or reading blogs, or searching for whatever. As a matter of fact, I've actually LOST weight. But that's pretty normal for me, all my life junk food has made me lose weight, while the healthy foods make me gain. And no, you don't wish you were like that, because once you know this, and eat junk food knowing you won't gain, you find you are starving to death without looking like it. It sucks. The human body requires vitamins and minerals to survive, and too much of a junk food diet means these vital components are not being absorbed, making one feel hungry. I'm hungry a lot, but not being "fed".

I really don't do much else with my day. I sit a lot, I do housework here and there, but not much else happens. I go pick the kids up, sit here some more, and then if no one else has done it, I make them dinner. After that, I sit here again. Of course the shrew, when she's not at work, is usually doing everything in her power to get me off of the computer. Again, can't say I blame her, 16 hours a day is just too much. It's not that I don't want to help around the house, or that I'm lazy, I just always seem to have something else I want to do online, and there never seems to be enough time for all of it to get done.

I fix stuff a lot too. Anytime something doesn't work, they come to me. This mp3 player doesn't play through the headphones. I can't get the computer to go to this page. I broke the broom off the handle. This car window won't go up. You name it, I fix it. I should probably start a business. If I wanted to do it for a living. I fix cars, and computers. The other stuff, it's just necessity. Who else is gonna do it?

So, my day is pretty boring actually. But every day I keep noticing stuff. I read a lot online, books seem to have gone by the wayside, but I read about how to see, how to listen, how to connect with the earth. Being a new pagan and for now being totally in the broom closet, I have worked solely on self improvement, and developing my perceptions and awareness of the universe and its energies. Part of it is also because of no cash flow, but that will come in due time.

I go to sleep on this couch after meditating for a few minutes, and wake up the next day to start all over again. My life isn't really all that much fun, but it's not bad either. I've started recently to get up more and be active, and get away, it's a weird thing to wake up one day and realize you missed summer and it's fall now.

Tomorrow, well today, is Saturday, no school for the kids, more work for me, but it's ok, things are moving along, I am learning, growing, and soon, I'll be working.

Comment capers

2009-10-19T22:50:00.000-05:00

I was reading a post at The Wandering Hearth that spoke of two people being rude and hateful to each other, in commenting on a blog.

This is not the first time I have heard of this happening. Whether it be body image issues, as the above post seemed to be referring to, or religious issues, or any other topic that strikes your fancy, it seems that on occasion there are hateful and hurtful comments that one person bestows upon another, either directly or in reference to a certain "type" of person or belief. And then of course there is the retaliatory strike by someone with the "opposite" opinion.

The thing that strikes me the most is what normally ensues in these situations can only be described as DRAMA. Some people seem to live and thrive off of creating it, others by escalating it. Interesting phenomenon to observe.

Is it because a person feels somehow "personally" attacked by someone's words? Is there a feeling of insecurity there? One can argue that there was simply a difference of opinion, but what is it that makes this happen?

What I am TRYING to say is this.

Can't we all just get along?

I'm not trying to say that I never argue, but this kind of behavior really bothers me.

When commenting on someone's post, I leave whatever comments are already there alone, even if they say something I do not agree with. I personally believe that comments are to be reserved for the purpose of leaving thoughts on the post itself, not to agree or disagree with comments left by others. I think that most people practice that policy, out of respect for the person that has posted.

I don't know what else to say, but I felt the need to say my piece about it.

I have a question for you, my blog friends. How do you feel about this?

Am I alone feeling this way? Do you agree? Do you NOT agree? Are comments a forum for discussion? Or are they individual thoughts to be kept separate?

Comment to me on this, and we'll see together what the answer is.

My goddess is found

2009-10-17T04:18:00.003-05:00

The goddess is found.

At this minute, at this point in my journey, I am seeing her all around me.

Little things have pointed me to her, showed me she is watching.

Her name even, finally revealed.

Freya. "The Lady", the mistress, the origin of the name of the day Friday?

Warrior goddess, goddess of sensual love.

I did some research and found this.

http://www.goddessgift.com/goddess-myths/goddess-freya.htm

I cannot vouch for how much of it is historical fact, but the quote at the very bottom of the page is what really stood out to me.

"The goddess Freya reminds us to explore and acknowledge all of our emotions, longings, and traits, even those we wish we didn't possess".

This is the journey I have been on for months, exploring and acknowledging all that is part of me.

I can now put a name to the "face" that has been in my thoughts, and now I understand why it was not revealed before now.

I have had two visions/dreams in which she appeared, but was behind me both times.

She was behind me because she was pushing me, guiding me with loving care. Not just in my visions, but in life, into situations that would take me to places I had never gone before, or more aptly, places I did not want to go.

Places in my mind, in my heart. Places where love flooded out to drown those around me, but left me feeling empty. Places where fear, and anger, and self loathing had festered and boiled, places where doubt, laziness, and false hopes sprang up like thistles and brambles to tear at the fragile skin of my ego.

I have an ego, for I am human. I am "exploring and acknowledging" my emotions, even the ones I wish I didn't have, and learning to let logic have its place, to achieve "balance" in the way I think and act.

Freya is my goddess, she is with me, teaching, leading, guiding.

I am grateful.

I discovered this on photobucket, it is the best representation I've found of what I have seen of her in my visions. The main thing I remember was that the clouds/mist were of a bluish hue, and her hair was sort of a blond color, with the "flowy" part of it also having the bluish tint to it.

Update

2009-10-15T17:10:00.000-05:00

My job search took a step in the right direction today. In a few weeks I may just be a substitute teacher.

I got an email from the Kelly services agency to fill out an online application, which I did, and shortly after filling it out and submitting it, I got a phone call to set up an interview. It's mostly just to do some paperwork, but it's progress nonetheless.

Now if I can only come up with the $48 I need to get fingerprinted per their instructions. Somehow I'm sure I'll get it done.

On another note, I have started studying the tarot, so that when I can afford to buy a deck I will at least be familiar with what to do with it, and I've also began researching astrology in more detail, something I have been drawn to for more years than I can count.

I've also been working on meditating more, and doing less thinking and more doing. My emotions have always ruled everything I have done, and I am really working now to achieve a balance of logic and emotion. I used to think that to be logical meant the absence of emotion, but to think clearly there should be emotion as well as logic, not too much of either.

As far as my goddess goes, her exact identity still eludes me, but somehow, I feel like she is working in my life now more than ever. For a man such as myself, I thought it would mean her getting me more in touch with my "feminine" side, but you know, I don't think that was ever a problem.

(I mean honestly, did any of you think I wasn't?)

What I needed was the ability to be "feminine" and "masculine" all at the same time, and that my friends, is what I am learning.

So for now I will just continue to learn and grow, and be thankful. Gratitude goes a long way in the universe, and I have a lot to be grateful for.

Job hunt

2009-10-13T15:05:00.000-05:00

A hearty hello to all of you in blogland!

I finally got up off my lazy duff today and really went job hunting.

I applied at Walmart, well actually amended my application to include night stocking, and to change my available times to ALL the time.

I also applied at Burger King, Dollar Tree, and O'Reilly Auto Parts.

Then, I went by an employment agency that specializes in acquiring substitute teachers, and got the info I needed to get the ball rolling with that. You may remember from an earlier post I did that I want to get involved in teaching, and this seems a great way to do it. I've sent an email to them with the info they require, so hopefully things are going to get going with that now.

I also ran by another employment agency and talked to a lady I used to work with and have already emailed her my resume.

All in all it was a good trip, and I hope to see some results soon.

Thanks to all the well wishers.

The Awakening

2009-10-11T21:53:00.000-05:00

This particular piece was written by Sonny Carroll, but I was so moved by it I just had to post it.

" THE AWAKENING"

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of

all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the

voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or

struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,

your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your

tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world

through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to

change...or for happiness, safety and security to come gallop- ing over the

next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince

Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy

tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of

"happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will

always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK.

They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the

importance of loving and champion- ing yourself...and in the process a

sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to

you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really

count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what

they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there

for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your

own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and

security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept

people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human

frailties.. and in the process a sense of peace and contentment

is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around

you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been

ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap

you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you

begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to

discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have

bought into to begin with ....and in the process you learn to go with your

instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is

power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering

through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn

that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals

of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon

which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the

world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish

between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries

and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one

you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you

learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop

giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would

have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing

things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement

are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for

the things you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,

kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you

learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it

and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more

water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels

doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just

as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to

laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you

deserve...and that much of life truly is a self- fulfilling prophecy. You

learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing

for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More import- antly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need

direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do

it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron

of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears

because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to

fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you

learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of

impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think

you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good

people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn

that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just

life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You

learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be

understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and

poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are

wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things

we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only

dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a

long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by your- self and you

make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle

for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your

window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep

smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand,

you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live

as best you can.

Hello ladies, my name is Rayden

2009-10-10T01:38:00.000-05:00

I've had something rolling about in my cranium for some time now, and finally managed to grab hold of it to apply it to this page.

I have been a pagan now going on six months. In that time, I have learned about being connected to the earth, the universe, energy, gods, goddesses, you get the idea.

I've mentioned before that I follow mostly pagan women's blogs. The men's blogs I have seen tend to be very holier than thou, arrogant, "hey look at me, i've got powers!" kind of stuff. No offense guys, but there's a lot of that out there.

Having said that, ladies, I do follow your blogs hoping to gain insight on being a pagan, learning about the sabats and esbats and any other bats you come up with. Wait, now is that a ritual or a holiday, month of the year, or just a piece for your altar? Herbs, spices, making "potions", charging crystals, the list goes on forever.

But then there's the other stuff. The crafty stuff, the cooking stuff, and the giveaways, wow there are SO many giveaways. You can imagine from a man's standpoint that a lot of this just glazes our eyes over. And now this latest bit. The awards.

I myself have received a couple of the awards, and I've got to tell you, I was deeply honored that someone would nominate me. Oh wait, that's something too. If I'm just nominated, doesn't that mean I didn't actually win yet? I thought if you are nominated for something, it just means there is a possibility that you will be chosen from the pool of nominees to be the winner. Must work differently in the blog world. Anyway, I was glad to be chosen, and felt honored, not bothered, to bestow the award on other bloggers I felt were worthy of it.

I have left comments on some of your blogs, some of your posts, and I truly say what I feel because I want to give credit where credit is due. I am a more emotional man than some, so my speech is colored with "rainbows and butterflies" more attributed to women than men. But make no mistake. I am a man. I am not just a big pile of gush.

I do wish to thank all of you who regularly comment on my posts, your encouragement and kindness are appreciated more than you could ever know. I am truly blessed to have all of you with me on my journey down my path of life. You have my gratitude.

Having said that, I have decided to take my blog in a different direction. I'm sure I will be posting about my feelings on a regular basis, but I want to concentrate more in growing and learning on spiritual things, and connecting with my spirit guides and totem animals. So, to that end, I will be posting questions and comments on everything related to those things, and I welcome any and all feedback from anyone who feels they can be of help. I am still a very green witch, pardon the pun, and I want to learn.

The first thing I want to ask about is my goddess issue. I don't know who she is, but I've seen her in two different visions, or dreams. She looks like a blue mist, but she's always been behind me, just barely in view. The Horned One, the Green Man, Cernunnos himself is always prevalent, but not the goddess, and I wonder why. I was even shown my main totem, the stag, in my first vision/dream, but I know of no other totems. What is the meaning of that? I really want to know, to learn, to really connect with the spiritual, but it seems I've reached a sort of dead end.

In closing, ladies, I thank you. You are a constant reminder of all that is good with the world. And guys, do yourselves a favor. Get down off your pedestals and see what these women have to offer.

Just don't get caught up in the gush.

Thinking

2009-10-09T02:03:00.001-05:00

Well here I am again, after not posting for a few days, thinking about what I need to do with myself.

I went this afternoon to the local career center to see if there were any job openings I could apply for, and I did apply to one job, working for the state.

I've been doing a lot of internalizing lately, as ya'll can see from my posts as of late, but now it's time to get up off of my duff and do something about it.

Do you ever get tired of emotional stuff? Always feeling, love this, hate that. Thinking too much about dumb stuff. Thinking too much period.

Well needing a job takes very little thought. So I'm going to go get one.

Simple as that. No thought, no feeling.

Today I felt like getting off the computer, facebook especially. So I did.

I fix stuff. Fix cars, fix computers, fix the plumbing, you name it, I fix it.

So I set out to fix my life.

Not as easy, but still, I can fix this.

All I need to do is to quit thinking, and start doing.

So, ok, talk to you later!

Ta Da!!!!! Happy Halloween!!! And, another award!!!

2009-10-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

Here it is folks!! My blog in costume!!

What do you think? He's scary isn't he?

I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment, I simply don't know how to describe my joy and happiness.

Bella Foxglove, over at Wanderings of a Wondering Mind, has again provided me with a blog to be proud of, and I am most grateful.

Then, to my surprise, on top of doing that, she left a comment for me on my last post telling me she had something for me on her blog.

So, I went over to check it out, and here it is!!!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great honor.

It's been hard sometimes writing my feelings down for complete strangers to peruse, well not "strangers", but you know, people I don't know personally.

I write in my blog as often as the spirit moves me, and I have put a lot of really personal stuff in my posts that I was afraid would turn people away, make them feel like I was a jerk or something.

I was completely wrong of course, as all of you have left me such wonderful comments, and I'm glad that I was able to be so honest and not be judged.

This award has made me feel all the more comfortable about writing exactly what I think and feel, and knowing that all of you out there in the blog community will welcome each post with no biases or judgments.

Oh and one more thing.

I am flattered that Bella would recognize and acknowledge that I am completely in touch with my "feminine" side by inducting me into a "sisterhood". I am truly honored. (Is that legal? Can I really be in a sisterhood?)

It's really been a great release and very therapeutic to write in this blog, but there is so much more I want and need to write about.

I want to start posting more on my thoughts about being a pagan, especially in a house in which I cannot practice as I'd like, I want to learn so badly.
I want to get in touch with my spirit guides, and more of my totem animals. I have learned so much about the spiritual and myself since I started down this path, but there is so much more I want to know.

Who is my goddess? I know of my god, Cernunnos, but in my visions of him, the goddess is there, but she is behind me, obscured from view. I have gotten a sense of her being a mist, a bluish mist. I really want to find out who she is, and really get in contact with her, commune with her.

But, that is a subject of another post.

Thank you Bella, for making my day wonderful. You are an amazing person.

Oh yeah, and before I go, stayed tuned for a post in which I bestow this honesty award on to some of you out there, you have truly been an inspiration to me.

Have a great night everyone!!

Ok I'm really back this time

2009-10-04T21:40:00.001-05:00

I don't know what's gotten into me!

Has it really been almost a week since I posted?

Well I am doing ok, and I have no excuses other than being busy doing other things.

My next post will come with my blog being properly "dressed" for Halloween, so watch for that one.

The full moon this time has been a happy one for me. I have made a conscious decision to be happy, and my life has been so much better.

I'm going outside after I finish here, and even though it's raining, and I can't see her, I'm going to bathe in the glow of Luna's full and wonderful energy.

Until we meet again!

Gorgeous day

2009-09-29T12:13:00.002-05:00

Today is a gorgeous day outside.

I think I will get out today, maybe look for a job, just get out and get some of this funk off of me that I've been in for the last few weeks.

Then maybe tomorrow I can start to live again.

It's my fault

2009-09-27T04:01:00.000-05:00

Yup, that's right folks, it's my fault.

Everything.

Taking responsibility seems to have been something I lacked up until recently.

I have had a habit of blaming others for my problems.

But I have seen things with my "new" eyes, seen my life for what it really is, a series of choices that I alone made, and the consequences of those choices.

Did you ever look back at things that happened in your life, a job you lost, a relationship that failed, and try to blame others?

I sure have.

Take another look at it, and see if maybe the person who should be blamed is YOU.

I did.

Everything I think on these days is related on moving forward, getting on with my "new" life, and I'm finding it to be more difficult than I thought.

Part of the problem is even in how people see "me". How can I make them see how I've changed, when all they want to see is what they know, what is familiar?

So, who is to blame? ME.

I am still showing the "old" me, and why?

Because I haven't changed that much at all.

I am still me, but now I am aware of it.

Aware that I have never taken responsibility for what I should, I drank a good portion of my life away, and pretty much caused a lot of problems wherever I went.

And that my friends, is what hurts.

Hurts me like a sword through my heart.

"If onlys" come swelling up daily now, but I can't let myself feel them.

Self pity will lead to more destruction and pain.

I MUST go on with life, focus on an upward direction, positive results.

And above all, blame only me, for in the end, it's my life, the one I made.

I have had a few dream/visions over the past few months, and in one of them the god Cernunnos told me a warrior has courage, not fear.

Do you know what the difference is between courage and fear?

Courage is being scared out of your mind, and yet forging on anyway.

I needed to learn the courage to take responsibility for my family, my daughters, do what I should do as a father, and a man.

It has been a profound experience for me on this pagan path, but it has also brought a sense of loss, a sense of holy crap I've pissed away 20 years of my life.

I have been awakened, but much later than some, and I am feeling very stupid. I've never felt "stupid" in my life, hell, I was always the "smart" one.

I know however that everything has happened for a reason, it HAD to happen this way, or I would not learn what I needed to. My soul, like everyone else's, chose certain lessons to learn in this lifetime, and learn them it is.

Soul. Yeah. That was one of the lessons. I have finally "connected" with my soul, the real "me".

All the ego that has dominated my life has been stripped away, and I am left knowing that all I have done, all that I am, is for a purpose.

That purpose? To live. To do. To be.

Whatever I become, will be my fault, and my fault alone.

Oh and one more thing. Never, ever, ever, think you are too old to start learning the real lessons of life, cause if you aren't learning, you are dead. Not in the physical sense especially, but I know for a time, for me, I was dead mentally.

I'm just glad somebody brought me back, revived me, and now, I can go on with life.

I can live.

Blog Award!!

2009-09-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it, but here it is! My very first blog award!

I am truly honored and flattered that Bella Foxglove chose me as one of her 7 recipients. Thank you so much Bella!

Here are the award rules:

1.) Thank the person who gave this to you.
2.) Copy the logo and place it in your blog.
3.) Link the person who nominated you.
4.) Name 7 things about yourself that no one would really know.
5.) Nominate seven 'Kreativ Bloggers.'
6.) Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7.) Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

7 things about me that no one would really know, hmmmmm.

1.) I am absolutely in love with Edwards brand Hershey creme pie.

2.) I collect old computer hardware, actually any "old" electronic stuff, but only if it still works. Well that's not true, I'd say only if it is in one piece.

3.) I have "Dorf on Golf" starring Tim Conway practically memorized, I think it's the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.

4.) The second most hilarious thing I've ever seen is the Jerry Lewis movie "Cracking Up". And then of course there is Jim Carrey's movies.

5.) I am a big fan of SpongeBob Squarepants. I especially like Mr. Krabs.

6.) I am a veritable encyclopedia of useless facts no one cares about, so of course, when anyone has a question about something they don't know about, they come to me. It sucks to be the brainiac sometimes.

7.) I love to take apart laptops, it's a disease I swear. I find excuses to take them apart, whereas most people run and hide from the mere thought of having to open one up. Being unemployed at the moment has taken me away from my addiction, but it's still there, haunting me, I need my laptop fix!! LOL

And now, for my 7 nominees, in no particular order:

1.) Deep Inside My Broom Closet
2.) The Domestic Witch
3.) The Forgotten Muse
4.) It's the Moments, Not the Milestones
5.) Candles and Wicks
6.) Pagan Culture
7.) Hedgewitch Hollow

I am grateful to have the chance to do this, I think everyone I read deserves some kind of award for "putting themselves out there" as it were. I enjoy reading about all of you, and your daily lives. If you haven't checked out these blogs yet, please do, they are wonderful people, and inspire me with every post they write.

I'm Back

2009-09-23T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well I finally feel a little better today, so I thought it would be a great idea to let everyone know, and to thank all of you for your well wishes.

The only problem now is, what to post about?

I've still got lots going on in my mind about my wife and I, our relationship has really changed since we started talking divorce.

The realization that it might really happen has affected both of us deeply, I mean we have been together for 17 years.

I feel like we should split up, we just don't get along anymore, but I feel like she wants us to stay together, she still loves me. I keep asking myself if i still love her, and I keep getting the same answer. I don't think I ever did.

That's not her fault, she has always loved me, but why, why have I not loved her?

I was infatuated with her when we first met, I didn't really "love" her. She filled a void in my life, she gave me the love and attention I craved, and now it seems I no longer have that craving.

I am a schmuck. I should have treated her better, and not been so selfish, and now, the damage is done, and I don't know if it ever can be repaired.

But we shall see.

Thanks for listening blogger friends, Rayden's Rants is back.

I'm sick

2009-09-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to check in and say I'm alive, but I've been sick for almost 4 days now. Something that's been through everyone else in the house and has finally found me. Sinus, chest, and throat issues. Not pretty.

I will be back up soon I hope, and will get in a post soon, but until then, have a good weekend everybody!!

New light

2009-09-15T00:06:00.001-05:00

In my last post I laid a lot of my feelings out there, and then when I started reading the comments left by everyone, it inspired me to write more, because there is more I have to say.

As one person put it, (*ahem, Celia*) I am seeing everything in a new light.

Most of all, myself.

I had no idea 5 months ago that I would be like this today, but now I can barely remember what I was then. My whole world has changed, at least in terms of how I view myself, the world, the universe, everything.

Many of you have been on a pagan spiritual path for many years, and I can see from your blogs that you are some of the most caring, tolerant, openminded people I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting". You have a love for the earth, and all of its creatures (well almost all of them, the jury is still out on some of the crawly flying and/or bitey variety), and your view of the universe and its energies and entities is nothing short of breathtaking, or actually, a breath of fresh air. I don't know what else to say, but THANK YOU!

I've found out that I am more than just flesh and bone. I am a soul, an energy life form if you will, a being of light, and that is what I had been dying to find out, to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't the only one. I did a post a while back that relates to this, called "What if?" , and in that post, I detailed some of my prior spiritual beliefs. I'm just gonna say here for the purposes of keeping this on track that I don't "believe" any more, I feel it, I know it is reality, and it feels so good to finally be able to do that. Being, and knowing, and feeling, what else is the purpose of life!

Which brings me back to the original reason I started this post, "Me". It's always about me, isn't it? Well, I didn't call this blog "Rayden's Rants" for nothing! This is my blog, so I can "rant" all I want to about me! I can write any damned thing I want to here, and if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to go on reading it, now do they?

THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING!!!!!!!!!

38 years of my life have been completely devoted to being something I am not all because of fear. Fear of how others will see me, how they will take things I say, how they will or will not love me or like me because I do or do not do (x) thing. And why? All because I didn't think I was good enough for anyone to love or like me just the way I was. The thing is, it doesn't matter what OTHERS think of me, it matters what I think of myself! There's nothing wrong with me being ME!

NOW I FINALLY GET IT!!!!!!!

All the time and effort I wasted, trying to get the woman who is my wife to go out with me, (see the first installment of "A Man's Life") and it was all because of a fear that I wasn't good enough for her. So, instead of being "ME", I was what I thought she WANTED me to be. What about her being good enough for me? I should have "made my move" so to speak, and if she didn't respond to me favorably in that respect, I should have moved on. Isn't that what normal people do? I should have seen her for what she was, and seen myself for what I was, and realized it would never work. I never once even came close to considering that.

20 YEARS LATER, I GET IT!!!!!!!!

Now that my relationship with my current wife is over for all intents and purposes, and only needs the signature of a judge to make it official, I am on the lookout.

I'm on the lookout for that someone, the woman with the "spark", the one that IS good enough for me, for I will be "ME", not what I think she wants me to be.

Now don't get me wrong folks, this isn't about me having an inflated ego, and thinking I'm better than other people, and that this "woman" of which I speak must meet some standard I have. That isn't it at all. I mean that I will not see women I'm interested in as those who have a standard I must meet, but rather I will meet my own standard, she'll meet her own standard, and I'll let Fate take care of the rest.

I know that one day I will find the "one" for me, and this time, I know that I will be the man I am, confident, strong, fully aware of my own self worth. Fear of what others think no longer drives my actions, and not only in affairs of the heart, but in everyday life as well.

I used to regret a lot of things that I did in my life prior to now, the failed relationships, the opportunities I missed, the paths taken that led to destruction. But now I see them as things that were necessary to bring me to today, they were learning experiences, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

So this is ME everyone, like it or not, here I am!

A Man's Life (Part II)

2009-09-13T00:47:00.008-05:00

Well here it is, a month and two, well three days later.

The second installment of A Man's Life.

In that post I talked about the sunny side of life with my wife and kids.

These days, life is not so wonderful.

I have come to the realization that my wife and I are simply not compatible with each other, at least not as husband and wife.

My constant smothering behavior, doting on her, showering her with love and compliments were signs of a larger issue.

I had self esteem issues. I treated her that way thinking I wasn't good enough for her, and that the person I was inside wouldn't appeal to her.

My craving for love and affection caused me to become someone I was not, and she bought it. She saw me as a person who would cater to her, give in to her, and never challenge her on anything. Because of my actions, she was under the mistaken impression that I would never exert my opinion, but give her whatever she wanted.

And then of course the inevitable happened.

One day I had finally had enough of doting on her, and decided to not let her have whatever she wanted, and decided I wasn't going to be a spineless pushover anymore. I didn't care anymore whether she liked it or not, I wanted my opinion to matter, and that's when the the arguing started.

Simple stuff at first, just me wanting to spend time with friends, rather than her. Well that wasn't about to happen without a long drawn out argument with her bringing up everything she could as to why I shouldn't. It then escalated into other parts of our lives, where to spend money, who gets to go to school to learn a new trade, even everyday life stuff like what to have for dinner. No can do. No amount of logical reasoning would get her to budge. She simply did not have the ability to compromise with me. It never occurred to me during the doting and smothering phase that I was effectively letting her "wear the pants" in the family. Now here I was trying to take that role, and she wasn't willing to give it up.

To make a very long story short, this arguing continued, to the point I have found that there is very little we can agree upon. Everything we want to do, where we live, what jobs we have, the music we like, the people we want to associate with, all different. Our hopes and dreams and aspirations for our children are different, even where we want them to go to school, what activities we feel they should be a part of, and ultimately, how they should be raised. It always has to be her way, her timetable, and my opinion is irrelevant. She even feels it's ok to dictate to me what I "should" be doing, and she thinks it's ok to get me to do things for her, little stuff she can do herself, bugging me incessantly every 5 minutes. And in her mind, I'm an asshole for wanting things my way.

I can't say I blame her for this attitude, I mean I made this bed, so now I have to lay in it. Even though to some it may seem that I'm bashing her for having this frame of mind, I feel it necessary to mention that I don't feel that I am "right" all the time. She has a lot of great ideas, she's a great mom, but I do feel that since I am an adult, my opinions and ideas should at least be considered and discussed, and in most cases she is unwilling to do so.

There is one thing we have agreed upon.

We've agreed to get a divorce. We are completely amicable on this fact, realizing that we are going in different directions, even agreed already that we will have joint custody of the kids. The problem is money.

I am unemployed at the moment, and the job she has doesn't pay enough for basic bills even, so getting a divorce isn't going to happen yet.

Because of our money issues, we have been staying with her mother for the last 2 years, and that's been making things all the more difficult between us.

I have been actively searching for a job, but with the current economic conditions, the jobs are few and far between. I had a job working on computers last year, but got laid off when they closed the store. It frustrates me that I'm having such a problem finding a job, but I have come to the realization that I must leave. Get my own place, start building another life.

I feel that being with her has held me back from being able to do things, make decisions that could ultimately help my family, my daughters, to have a better life. Her inability to compromise has caused me to miss out on opportunities I felt would benefit us as a family, and living on my own would allow me to chart my own course, and ultimately help provide a life for my daughters that they deserve, without having to filter things through her first.

I don't mean it to sound like everything I have done is perfect. I have had issues with keeping a job, because I used to have a drinking problem. I have not been a good provider for my family, so as far as the money issues go I place the blame squarely on MY shoulders. And no, I have not been an attentive husband to my wife in a long time, but how can I, when all she wants is for me to do what she wants, with no regard for anything I want? Is that fair? AM I an ahole because I don't cater to her every whim? She is not all bad, I don't think that, but it is hard to get along with someone who has no regard for the feelings of others.

Do I still love her? Yes, but not like I did, or at least thought I did. That young, wet behind the ears boy that first laid eyes on her back in '92 no longer exists, and in his place is a much more knowledgeable and experienced man who is aware that love is not always what it seems.

I was infatuated with her, I didn't love her. She gave me the love and attention I craved, so in order to make sure I didn't lose it, I felt the need to show her how much I "loved" her too. Once the need for constant validation went away, and I started to be myself, the relationship blew up in my face.

The thing is, I'm not sad or angry about it at all. I call it a lesson learned. I have addressed the reasons I felt like I was love and affection starved.

The first was to realize my own self worth, and to love myself for who and what I am, because without that, I can not truly love anyone else.

The second thing was to realize that me doting and catering to someone else is just me looking for validation, because inside I am not spineless, or a pushover, which is how I end up looking.

The third thing I've learned, and maybe this is the most important, is that I have found that I am a very selfish person, always making things about me. I have so much to learn about what it means to love someone, and how I SHOULD be treating others, I can scarcely put it into words.

What about how she feels? Maybe I am an ahole, I mean, the way I've treated her, how else should she react? What about all the other people in my life, what am I doing for them? Am I caring for them, or being too worried about how I want things?

I think I know the answer.

Still here

2009-09-08T19:40:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in a blah kind of mood.

The full moon always seems to put me in SOME kind of a mood, and I never know what it will be, this time it was just BLAH.

I'm still looking for a good layout for Halloween, and I appreciate the feedback I got from everyone. I'm sure I'll find one that will suit me, hopefully before the end of this month.

I posted an entry about a month ago (wow has it been that long?) about my wife and girls, and in it I said "More on this later" several times. I do intend to elaborate on those things soon, there's a lot on my mind concerning them. So watch for that to happen in the next week or so, possibly earlier.

My studies have taken a hit lately as well. I just can't seem to make time to do the research I need to do. As I am still so new to this path I have so much yet to learn, and I am thankful I have so many wonderful blogs to read that are chock full of information concerning being a witch and a pagan.

So this is life as it is today. I'm finally out of my BLAH mood, and things are looking up. Time to buckle down and get some stuff DONE. Maybe I'll post again later, it's starting to form in my mind.................

Help!

2009-09-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm having a real issue here.

I'm trying to find a new template to dress up my blog for Mrs. B's 31 days of Halloween (see the button on my right column) and I just can't seem to find anything I like.

What I want is something that says "I'm a witch, but I'm a dude".

What am I gonna do?

I could get ghosts, or pumpkins, or skulls, you know, traditional halloween themes, but I really want something different.

I guess I may have to make one of my own, but how the heck do I do that?

I don't know much about XML, or HTML, or any other code words that mean I can write "code" to make a page that will show up on a computer screen.

The sad part is, I am a computer repair tech, among other things.

I just don't do software. Hardware is my thing. Motherboards, hard drives, processors, ram, you know, that stuff. All the stuff in the box on or next to your desk. Oh and I have a thing for taking apart laptops, I find excuses to tear them open. It's a disease, I swear. (Fortunately I can also put them back together in a functional state again, lol)

But I digress.

I'm still looking, but maybe some of you out there have some ideas for me?

I need all the help I can get.

A poem of sorts, aka The Crystal

2009-09-04T03:31:00.000-05:00

I dabble in writing poetry of sorts now and then, and this is my latest piece.

Let me know what you think, I appreciate any and all critiques of my work.

The Crystal

I see a clear, shiny crystal, with millions of facets, like a diamond in the blackness of my mind.

Suspended in the middle of a cavernous void, no visible tethers or supports, shining like a star in the night.

Then I bring the light.

Streaming from above, bright, glorious light, of many colors, of all the colors.

White, orange, red, green, purple, pink, blue, yellow, every shade between.

Striking the crystal, filling it, then, in a blinding flash, cascading through each facet to fill every corner of the cavern.

And there is peace, there is healing, and most of all, there is love.

There are others, crystals like mine, shining in the dark.

I see the light leap from mine to theirs, the stream joining, linking these diamonds in the dark.

All traces of the sludge of despair, fear, and anger disappear, replaced by the pure and wonderful love of the universe.

And that's when I realize that this crystal, this many faceted diamond, is me.

My soul.

My body merely a vessel, a transport if you will, between planes.

Words cannot adequately describe a revelation like this.

Me. My soul. Everyone's soul.

Wow.

What is this I feel?

2009-09-01T03:32:00.002-05:00

What is going on?

Every day lately has brought new sensations, new ways of looking at things, everyday things, people, nature, everything.

I feel like there is so much going on that I can’t see, things I have wanted to know, to verify, and I’m finally getting a taste of what’s out there.

I just read a wonderful blog post about being an empath. I have felt for most of my life that I was an empath, and now I am learning how true that is, but not in the way I originally thought.

I started my pagan path with a ton of ego, only 4 months ago, with a desire to understand the nature of the spiritual, without having a freakin clue as to what “spiritual” really meant.

Like most men, or at least how I think most men would approach this, I went in full bore, thinking, oh yeah, this’ll be cool, I’ll have “powers”.

Delusions of f*^%ing grandeur, that’s what that was.

I had so much ego to overcome, it’s amazing I could see past the end of my own nose.

Now, things are starting to happen. I haven’t gotten over my ego yet, far from it. What I have done is to learn to see myself as a being of energy, not this pompous self image I’ve taught myself for years that was me.

I am lucky, no, blessed, to have a very close friend with me, guiding me, slapping me around, letting me know when I’m getting too full of myself. She has shown me that to reach my goals, to do what I am here to do, takes one step at a time, and that I must be mindful not to make it “all about me”. Of course on that note I have been failing miserably.

There is so much more research and meditation I need to do, so much more info to ingest. Who are these gods and goddesses, and which ones are “mine”? I am certain of one, Cernunnos, I have seen him in two visions, and, he introduced me to my first totem animal, a stag.

If the next four months are anything like the first, I know there will be more sensations, more introductions, more growth on my part, and that’s the thing, everything else was already there, it was me, or my ego, that kept me from seeing, feeling, knowing.

Ever since I started down this path, I have been influenced primarily from the female perspective on being a witch, (which by the way is a term I thought was reserved only for women, typical male) and now I see why.

I needed it.

I thought I understood what being a woman was (having never actually been one), yeah right!

I thought I was in touch with my “feminine” side (“hey, I’m an emotional guy”), pfffft, as if!

Thanks to every single one of the female witches I have come across, I am learning what it is not just to be a male, or a female, but what it is to be a being of light and energy that is just like all the other beings of light and energy that inhabit this planet. No one greater, no one less.

And I couldn’t be happier knowing.

Technorati Tags: men,witches,empath

What a day

2009-08-31T02:40:00.001-05:00

Today was a great day. Tiring, but a great day.

I helped a friend and his girlfriend move into their new home today.

It’s a great little house here in middle TN, and it had some very happy vibes, but they felt……….different. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m highly empathic, and this house had some very strong emotional imprints. It felt like there had been a child in the house, and of course grownups, but the vibes were a little confusing to me, the happy was overlapped with worry, a strange sensation.

The move went pretty fast, they only needed a 14 ft Uhaul truck since they don’t have a lot of furniture, well they did, but they got rid of a lot before the move anticipating buying new stuff for the new house.

A queen bed, a futon, a couple of bookshelves, standard stuff. Most of the truck was filled, but we loaded and unloaded with no real issues.

I rode back to the old house with his girlfriend since she had to go to work (and of course my car was at their old house), work being at her computer taking customer service calls for Comcast. Yeah, the person you talk to when your cable internet doesn’t work. He or she is probably just like Cristal, working from home. (shhhhhh)

She had to log into, and open up app after app, probably 6 or 7 of them, before she could take the first call. Looked really confusing, but after watching her for a few calls, it seemed pretty simple. You know how the person always asks you to verify your social security number when you call? Asks for the last 4? I’ve always had this worry that they knew my whole number, all 9 digits, but now that I’ve seen it from their end I can say that the last 4 is all they can see.

Well after watching her do that for a bit, we went looking for her cat, which was under the house (a singlewide trailer), gave her a bath, and a little while later I went home.

Oh but what I wanted to say about the vibes! While riding back I asked her if the previous owners had any kids, and she said yeah, one, but that he had Down’s syndrome or something. So maybe that’s why the vibes felt like they did to me. It was awesome to hear that. Since I started on my pagan path, I’ve been learning to feel the energies and emotions around me better, just letting it happen, trying less hard, and the results I’m getting are really making me feel great.

I would be interested in hearing about any thoughts or ideas on this, there is so much more out there than can be detected with the “normal” senses, and I can’t wait to see what other experiences await me!

Technorati Tags: moving,vibes

Musings

2009-08-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

I've been on my pagan path only a few months now, and I have never been more content with the direction my spiritual life is going. I have connected to energies and entities I had never considered to exist, and learned about many others I have yet to experience.

I am still overwhelmed with the amount of information out there, and also that I never saw any of it before. I feel like I must have been in a hole somewhere to have not seen it, but I guess it was just because I didn't choose to pay attention, really "see" what was around me.

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and I used to think the "teacher" meant someone human. Boy, was I ever wrong! I've seen so many things recently that became my teachers, pulling or pushing me to look at something, hear something, just pay attention to the lessons I need to learn.

Animals that just "show up" right when I go outside to sit on the patio, take a long hard look at me, and then leave. (I've seen this one toad, well I think it's the same one, like 3 times)

Dreams I've had, visions even, deities appearing with something to "say". (So far I've had two such visions, nary a spoken word in either)

Blog posts, or pages on the internet, that just magically "appear" when it's the very thing I needed to read. (This has already happened more times than I can count)

People I meet, yeah there have been some teachers of the human variety too, even people I meet seemingly in passing, that do nothing else but to brighten my day and know they were there for that reason.

So I'm learning a lot, slowing down, quieting my mind being one of the main things. Compassion for all of nature, big or small, paying attention to seeming coincidence, listening to my heart.

I can't wait to see what's in store for me next!

A Man's Perspective on a Woman's Issue

2009-08-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a lot of women's blogs. Hell, most of the blogs I read are authored by women. I love to read them, to see the female perspective on life as a pagan, to read about their children, and basically how they feel about just about anything.

I wish I had the right words to explain my thoughts sometimes. I am physically a man, and much of my thought process is very "male", as one would imagine. But part of me, my inner workings, have a very "female" aspect to them, probably because I am a "triple water". You see, my Sun sign is Cancer, my moon sign is Scorpio, and my rising sign is Pisces. So, I am by nature a very "mothering" and nurturing person, when I'm not going to the opposite extreme and being a selfish egotistical maniac.

Having said that, I want to talk about something that no amount of "female" brain can help me to understand. I have seen quite a few posts about this subject, and the spiritual aspects of it, on several blogs I have read over the last few days, and I started wondering why I kept seeing it so often, so much so that I started thinking of writing this post about it.

It is known by many names: a cycle, a period, menstruation, and my personal favorite, moon time. Regardless of the name, to me, I just have no frame of reference to understand it. I don't have the hardware physically, and mentally, I just don't know how to describe how I feel about it.

Most of my life I never really thought about it, I knew women had it, but did I think that physically AND emotionally it's a really different time for them? No, of course not. How could I know? A period, being something spiritual, what?

Usually my spoken words and my mental dialogue would go something like this:

"Oh I see, it's that time of the month, I'll leave you alone". (Well, not necessarily, I've gotten my "red wings" before). "I feel for you, it's so unfair to women". ("Things like that make me GLAD I'm a man!") "Your stomach is hurting? Cramps, huh? I wish there was something I could do." (Man, I am SO glad I'm a man!)

Now don't get me wrong, I really do sympathize, but like I said before, without a common frame of reference, how can I or any other man really feel for a woman? What about women who can no longer have children, and still have moon time? How is that fair? What about our daughters, how does it make them feel when they first start, and are years away from even thinking about having children?

Reading all the blog entries I've seen about the spiritual aspects of menstruation has made me take a second look at how I see it, especially as a father of girls. Yesterday my eldest started, (in retrospect possibly the reason I've been seeing so much about it lately, a harbinger of things to come) a year and a half after her younger sister, and they both have had completely different mindsets about it. Liz (the eldest) didn't want to start, didn't want to have to deal with it. Alex, especially in the last 6 months or so, has been obsessed with everything about sex and childbearing, and in the beginning, accepted it as just another part of life. What's a father to do? I can't tell them how it feels, what emotional changes there may be, I mean, I can tell them the physical aspects of why it happens, but anything else, I'm clueless.

Sometimes I wish that for only one day, I don't know, maybe a month or two, I could BE a woman, if only to feel how it is to be one. To really FEEL the sensation of moon time, to feel what it's like to be pregnant, to have another life inside of me, but I doubt very seriously that will ever happen, so I guess I'll never know. But I do know this, I don't think I will ever see women the same again. To have a cradle of creation in your bodies, I envy you. I respect you. And I do feel for you, I feel your pain as much as I am able, and hope that those women that do read this know that this man is seeing you now for how sacred you really are.

Comment issues (again)

2009-08-24T12:53:00.004-05:00

It appears the comment issues I've been having are continuing.

I believe that the issue has been corrected, so please, if you had a comment for one of my older posts, feel free to return to that post and attempt to leave one.

I am looking for another template for a new look to my blog, there are just too many issues with this one, so if any of you have any suggestions or sites where I can look for one, let me know about it.

Until next time!

Reflections

2009-08-23T01:14:00.007-05:00

August 23, 2009 1:25 AM

I'm sitting here at my computer, with two facebook tabs open, and one for this post, reflecting on my week.

It was a great week going to school and volunteering in the cafeteria, the kids were great, well except for the girl that tried to throw her fruit cocktail at me. I was nice to her, what did I do to deserve that? Fortunately she missed, but still! Holy crap! And then some of the other kids started laughing at me, and that's when I found the reason the other parents weren't falling all over themselves to volunteer in the cafeteria too.

These kids are a LOT to handle. Am I nuts for wanting to do this?

I have 5 kids in the house, and I decide it's a good idea to go surround myself with more, right when all of mine are out of the house, and I could have some peace and quiet. See, I don't have a job right now. I got laid off a while back, and I thought since I'm not working I can contribute by "helping out" at the school. Hmmm. I mean I love kids, I have this saying, "5 kids or 50 kids, all the same to me". So I figure, no problem, this'll be a breeze.

I made that saying up having never been around 50 kids that I was responsible for.

So I guess I'm reconsidering going back next week, if only a little.

'Cause this week was a "testing" week, and there were only 20 or so kids from the kindergarden there each day. Next week, starting on Tuesday, ALL of them will be there, and I expect major pandemonium. I want to go help out, but I'm wondering if I'm just a glutton for punishment. All the other parents will gladly drop off their kids at school in the morning, and then pick them back up at 3:30, hoping that they have learned something, and haven't gotten in any trouble, but me? What makes me different, makes me want to be around kids, even when they are such a pain in the butt?

I think it's because I care about kids, I want to teach them stuff, tell them the stuff they want to know about that the other grownups won't tell them, or don't know how to explain.

I found out by talking to one of the other volunteers that there is a place in town that will place you as a substitute teacher somewhere in the school system, even with no teaching degree. Now I do have an associate's degree in network administration (computer networks), so that should be cool too. All you have to do is pay for a background check, and you can be a sub. Who would've thought you could be a teacher without a degree? Scary, in one sense, sure, but hey, you're just a sub. That would be so awesome, be a teacher, me!

So maybe I'm not crazy, maybe I just missed my calling.

Inspirations

2009-08-21T07:42:00.008-05:00

August 21, 2009 7:47 A.M.

I read a post from one of my favorite bloggers the other day, the Anti-Supermom, about her frustrations with her "check engine" light on her van, among other things.

http://www.antisupermom.com/2009/08/properly-screwed.html

I was inspired by that post to begin one of my own, thanks Anti-Supermom! Haven't thought of a good name for it yet, but it will be a weekly post with advice on cars. I have over 10 years of experience as a professional auto mechanic, and I hope by posting the mechanic's point of view, it will be an entertaining and enlightening part of my blog. Any suggestions or comments about a name would be greatly appreciated.

As I got the idea from the Anti-Supermom, my first piece of advice will be about her problem, the dreaded "check engine" light.

I posted a comment on her blog about the fact that I have seen this issue on countless occasions, and believe me when I say that was not an exaggeration. Many of them involve a simple problem, a loose or misplaced fuel cap, but that is only one cause of that particular "trouble code" as they are called to be "set" in the engine's computer.

Due largely to emission laws and gas mileage concerns, cars today are built with a closed system for containing gasoline fumes from escaping into the atmosphere from the fuel system, which of course includes the fuel tank. The way the integrity of this closed system is monitored is the main reason so many people see the check engine light, and why it seems to stay on for a long time after the problem is corrected.

Now in order to keep this short and sweet I will just say that the engine vacuum is used to check that the system is secure and leak free, and if it is not, then the light comes on. Mechanics can check the engine computer for the trouble code, and correct the problem easily if it is just the fuel cap, but often the fuel cap is not the problem, or is not the only leak in the system. The tubing that carries the vacuum and the fumes from the fuel tank to the engine is most often made of plastic, and is easily punctured or cut by road debris or damaged from underbody collisions with the pavement, as in "bottoming out" over a large speed bump. Even so, some of these punctures may be very small, pinhole sized, and very hard to find.

The "evaporative emission" system is not a constantly monitored system, like most of the engine's sensors and control mechanisms, and is only tested under certain engine conditions. This is the main reason the check engine light seems to stay on for an indefinite period after the problem is corrected. If the light remains lit, and the fuel cap is verified to be secure, then there is likely to be another leak somewhere else in the system, or a malfunction in the valves that are part of the monitoring and operating system itself. It is always a good idea to have a mechanic check the trouble codes, and to run tests on the system just to make sure that there are no other leaks.

In general the check engine light DOES indicate a problem with the engine, so any time the light comes on and stays on, or goes on and off regularly, even if the engine seems to be running normally it saves money in the long run to get it diagnosed early. Some failures don't cause any perceptible engine performance issues, but if left unrepaired, can cause costly repairs later on as other systems are affected. So please, if you do see the check engine light, make sure you find out what it is, to avoid more problems down the road.

Well that's my advice on that issue. I welcome any comments or questions on car stuff, I love to tell people what other mechanics seem to like to keep secret. This stuff isn't rocket science, and lots of things can be diagnosed and repaired by anyone that can pick up a wrench. I guess it's a matter of money with most mechanics, they figure the more people know, the less money they'll make. Not me!

Until next time!

New look

2009-08-19T08:52:00.007-05:00

*Second update: Comments are now fixed, they open in a pop up window instead of being embedded now, but they are working!!*

*Update: Comments are currently not working, and Bella is working hard to fix them! We have found the layout was full of bugs!*

August 19, 2009 9:37 A.M.

I decided it was time for a new layout, not that the candles were getting old or anything, but that template was only a two column, and it seemed time for a three column.

So here it is, the new look.

What do you think? I like it better cause the three columns means less scrolling, and let's face it, with all the widescreen monitors out there, why not use up more horizontal space than vertical?

Full credit for the upgrade goes to Belladonna Foxglove, the author of "Wanderings of a Wondering Mind". I am so thankful to have someone so creative and knowledgeable with html code as a kindred spirit. She even made my new button! Thanks a million, Bella!

Well that's all for now, have to get ready to go to the library and then volunteer in the school cafeteria again. I feel a post of its own coming on about that subject, it was an experience the first time.

Busy day, aka Ode to Moms

2009-08-17T10:07:00.005-05:00

Today is going to be and has been a busy day.

I got up at 7, took the kids to school, as I do almost every day, since school has started back.

My oldest, she's 13, goes at 730, to the middle school, and the younger two, ages 11 and 6, at 830, to the elementary school.

Oh and their cousins also stay with us, so actually it's three I take at 830, another 6 year old.

The youngest is 4, and she was supposed to go to preschool at 930, or so I thought.

Imagine my surprise when I show up with her all ready to go, and the teacher says, "She doesn't come till tomorrow." Apparently they are still finishing up the "testing" phase with some of the students. Would have been nice to know that before I showed up with her and looked like a complete moron.

Now I am waiting to go back to the elementary school, at 1130 to 1220, as I dutifully "volunteered" to help in the lunchroom with the kindergarten lunch. They are also in the "testing" phase at this point, so there won't be but about 20 of them altogether, but I still have misgivings about how things will go with that. The idea of 20 five year olds, trying to go through the lunch line, with that look of "what do I do now" on their faces, I don't know, seems like I'll be pretty busy.

Later on the fun continues, as at 210 I have to pick up my middle schooler, and transport her an hour down the road to a choir rehearsal in Nashville. It's from 430 to 550, so there is no use in trying to come back home. I would just have to turn right around and drive back, not to mention the amount of gas I would be literally blowing out of my keister.

Hopefully when we return from that trip, which thankfully is only on Mondays (for the next 6 months), there will be something to eat on the table, and I can return to my computer and see what's been going on in the blog world while I was out.

I'm so ready to get a job, so my life will slow down a bit, how do moms do this?

Must be in the genetics, women seem to do these things with ease, like they were born to do them. Yeah, that must be it.

All I can say is this.

We men could learn a lesson or two about the "easy" life moms have while we men are out supposedly "working" for a living.

ALL HAIL MOMS EVERYWHERE!

I would love to hear from Moms who may be those who have a schedule like this, I have seen many who have much more on their plate, and would love comments on how you cope with the "always got to go somewhere" feeling.

The Pond

2009-08-15T02:16:00.007-05:00

The pond of my mind..........still, silent, orderly.

Peace, serenity, calm.

Then, chaos, turmoil, a large stone crashes in.

The waves come.

The first hits the edge, carving, tearing, tossing old things aside.

Slicing, sweeping, the waves come.

Each smaller than the last, yet the wounds are evident.

Something is lost! There is pain!

Something happening, unclear, bubbling within.

Bouncing back and forth, ripples are all that remain.

For a second, a minute, a day, an eternity?

These too are gone, what is left is strange, different, and yet?

Obscured by the chaos, the stone's purpose revealed;

The pond of my mind............still, silent, orderly.

No loss, no pain, only change.

A Man's Life

2009-08-10T01:37:00.011-05:00

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately about life as a woman, mother, wife, etc, and was inspired therefore to write about life as a man, father, husband, etc.

I've been a man (at least in the legal sense of the word) for twenty years now, and a husband and father for almost as long, and I have felt in the past that writing about everyday life would be a boring read for others, as I felt they had lives very similar to my own, and would not find such material appealing.

Now I see that everyday life is very interesting, especially when seen from another person's perspective.

So, here goes, life from my perspective.

First, my wife.

Her name is Catherine, but when she was a very young child, her father nicknamed her Carrie, a name she goes by to this day.

She and I met in February of 1992, on Valentine's Day no less, the perfect day to meet the love of your life.

At first, it did seem so, I saw her, and in my 20 year old eyes she was a goddess, she was beautiful, smart, and did something no other girl I had ever known did, took an interest in me, going out of her way to make me feel comfortable in her home. We laid on her bed in her room (she was 17, still living with her mother,) on our stomachs looking through picture albums. It was completely innocent, just making friends, talking about whatever came to mind. There was just something about her, the way she moved, the way she was so friendly, it really drew me to her, I liked her immediately. She was dating someone, so at the time, I didn't even make an attempt at trying to make a move or anything, but in my mind, I just knew she was "the One". I even went so far as to call my mother on the phone a week later and tell her I had met the woman I was going to marry.

To make a long story short, the next nine months were an exercise in getting her to go out with me, trying to steal her away from all the other men who had an interest in her, which to me seemed like every other guy she knew. I should mention at this point that I met her through a mutual friend, my best friend who like me was in the Navy at the time, a man a year younger than I who two weeks after I met her, married her mother. They had been "dating" since shortly before Christmas the year before, and decided to marry on the strangest day, February 29. As such, they have only had 4 or 5 "official" wedding anniversaries since, but anyway, to each his own.

I treated Carrie as I thought of her, like a goddess. I did everything I could to go out of my way to be nice to her, help her out, to give her gifts, but nothing worked. As the old saying goes, nice guys finish last. Finally, on November 19, 1992, we finally officially started dating. Our first official date was a trip to KFC, and it was wonderful. The only trouble was, the person she was dating wasn't me, it was the guy I had created to "get her to like me", because I was afraid if i didn't, she wouldn't like the guy I really was. More on this later.

We dated for almost 4 years when lo and behold, on June 11, 1996, my daughter Elizabeth Ashley was born. I found it ironic that I was about to turn 25, and my father was about to turn 50, so it was now a quarter century thing going on in the family. For some reason, I have always found it difficult to remember how old my dad is, and ever since she was born, all I have to do is take her age, and add 50, and I can figure out how old he is.

But I digress. Elizabeth, or Liz, as she would soon be known, was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Becoming a father for the first time is a lot like getting the Christmas present you've been dying for all year, and then finding out when you open it that it was even better than you could've ever imagined. But I do have to say, I was not sure I was ready to be a father. I was scared to death, what if i drop her? What do I do if she wakes up crying, and I can't figure out what's wrong? It has been said that the bond between a mother and child is much deeper than that of a father, but I feel it is just different, because in my mind, we bonded forever the very first time I held her. Holding her in my arms, I thought I could feel her relax as I said to her, "Welcome to the world, I'll show you everything".

Two years later, a group known as Creed made a song with very similar wording in it called "Arms Wide Open", and to this day, Liz calls it her "baby" song.

If you have not heard the song, here is a link to the vid on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rrx9Ywlev1Y
(It appears the sound is not perfect, but I turned my volume up just a hair and it's ok)

Carrie and I married on December 6, 1997, the day after her birthday, which actually, looking back on it, was probably an insidious plot on her part to make it impossible on my part to forget either date. At the time, she was pregnant with our second child, Eugenia Alexandra, who made her appearance in July 31, 1998.

I was happy to welcome our new daughter, she was just as gorgeous, just as precious to me, but part of me was as disappointed that she was not a boy. One thing I think all men want, is to have a son to carry on the family name. My father is Polish, 100%, and I felt my "obligation" to carry his name to future generations. I have an older sister, and two younger brothers, so I felt when Liz was born, "ok, we got the girl out of the way, now on to the boys". This was not to be the case for me apparently, so I put those feelings aside, thinking, "there's always next time".

The years passed, the girls grew, and then, November 1, 2002 came and brought us Teagan Briggs. She seemed so tiny, as my other girls had grown so much, but she was just as beautiful as her sisters had been. By this point I had given up on the "carry on the family name" thing, and accepted that "I just can't make a boy". Let that responsibility fall to my brothers. More on that later too.

Teagan was different in that she wasn't like either myself or Carrie. She turned out to be a combination of both of us, carrying traits of both families. She was greeted warmly by her sisters, and did most of the "firsts" before either of them had done, mainly in my opinion due directly to their "help". I found it interesting how each of them had been so different, having the same parents, genetics are fascinating in how many possibilities can arise.

Now Liz is 13, a teen, Alex is 11, and Teagan, a very precoscious 6, going on 7. I have had many moments when I just watch them play, interact, and am amazed. I feel very blessed that they have been generally healthy. I see others with children that have not been as fortunate as I, and my heart goes out to them.

Anyway, things have not been all wonderful, especially with Carrie, and other issues have come about, but these I will discuss in future posts. It's 4 in the morning, and I'm ready to go to bed.

I am

2009-08-05T09:44:00.003-05:00

I am.

I am the rock star on stage, belting out my songs, hoping no one can see I'm addicted to drugs.

I am the rabid fan in the crowd, wishing the rock star will notice me.

I am a teenage boy, hating my parents because I couldn't go to the concert.

I am a mother, worried I'm losing my son to the wrong crowd.

I am a father, contemplating a change of career to better feed my family.

I am a homeless man, waiting for it all to end.

I am a child, anxious about my first day of school.

I am a nerd, in love with the popular girl, but too scared to talk to her.

I am a popular girl, dating the quarterback, but secretly attracted to a nerd.

I am an astronaut, dreaming of worlds out there.

I am a president, confident the problems can be fixed, doubting the people are behind me.

I am a lover, in the throes of ecstasy, she's the only one I'll ever love like this.

I am a person, a human, a boy, a girl, a man, a woman.

I am.

What if?

2009-08-03T02:39:00.011-05:00

I have always been one to look at the world with an open mind, or so I thought. Since I started on my new pagan path, I have been presented with many ideas, principles, and ways of seeing things that I had never even considered. I was astounded at first to find that first of all, they seemed to make so much sense to me, like it was the information I had been looking for all my life, and second, that I had never considered pagan "religions" to have any value, that they were all just a bunch of hoopla from old dead civilizations.

I grew up like many children do, in the Christian belief system, and was taught that the words in the Bible and the lessons taught in church on Sunday were the "only" way to believe. God was the creator, Jesus was his son who came to die for our sins, and heaven and hell were very real places we went to after we died. For the greater part of my childhood, I bought into the system, never questioning the reality that was presented. As I grew older, I did start to see some inconsistencies in the stories, and questioned the existence of so many different denominations in this so called "only" way. I did not, however, take into account that there were other religious beliefs, or rather, that their ideas may in fact be the true "reality" of life and death.

Finally, when I reached the age of 18, and left my parents behind, I started thinking in earnest about what was really going on, and how I fit in to the tapestry of life. The first thing I did was to adopt my own interpretation of what I believed "God" really was. As an avid science fiction fan, the Star Trek series in particular, I became fascinated with a character on the "Next Generation" series named simply "Q". He was presented as a lifeform that had very similar characteristics of "God" as I knew him, omniscience, omnipresence, or in simpler terms, had control of space, matter, and time. However, he appeared looking just like any other human. I began to see similarities between Q and God to the point I uttered for the first time, "What if?"

What if "God" was really just another lifeform in this universe? What if he had decided to present himself as a god simply because at the time, humans did not have the knowledge or technology to understand the possibilities of existence? Humans took until the 15th century to discover the world was in fact round, so how could they comprehend 4000 years before anything as advanced as this being? If he was in fact just another lifeform, then was it possible to believe he did not in fact wish to be worshipped as a god, but rather that humans had decided to do that on their own, and write it into a book? These and many other questions started to swirl about my mind. I finally decided to believe that this "God" was in fact just another being, just higher on the evolutionary scale, and in addition, there were probably more than one, and did not demand worship. This was the belief I subscribed to until only a few months ago. It was still very largely based in the Christian belief system, as I still discounted all other ideas as sheer idiocy.

Now that's not to say I left the "what if's" to religious things only, but for the sake of this particular "rant", I shall restrict my discussion to spiritual ideas.

A little over 3 months ago, a close friend of mine introduced me to her spiritual beliefs, or as she put it, her "path". I respected her position as a sane human being, and I began to read in earnest about all things pagan. To my utter surprise, I found that the very things I had discounted as poppycock and hoopla were a way of life, a life that I wanted to adopt for myself. No "this is the only way", no only one "God" exists, but a world full of energy, love, and connections with all things in the universe. I have so much more to explore, and learn, but now my outlook is full of "what ifs".

Energy is everything, everything is energy. With the proper state of mind, these energies can be felt, seen, and manipulated. Such a universe we live in, for such possibilities to exist, it is simply a wondrous thing. Other beings, all lifeforms, all of creation, all made of energy. My excitement at the knowledge and experience awaiting me is overflowing.

One day all of humanity will be able to join me in this revelation, and also begin to say, "what if?"
What if everything we believe is reality is in fact only a small portion of what really exists? What if everything we can imagine does actually exist on some plane of existence? What if love is the only thing, and everything? For those of you reading that have been on your path for years, perhaps decades, these questions have probably already been answered to some degree, but for me, my eyes have just been opened, and I hope as I travel along MY path, I will find more wondrous things than these, and join with you as a being of light and energy.

Until next time!

This Day in history (my history at least)

2009-07-24T14:16:00.006-05:00

Today marks the 20th anniversary of my entrance into the United States Navy. I look back on my time in the Navy with mostly fond memories. I went in 22 days after I turned 18, fresh out of high school, so wet behind the ears, but so hopeful, so determined to make a life for myself. I finished my basic training with few issues, but I had a few issues in my chosen career field school and was summarily dismissed, and sent out to the fleet with no designated job. Since I had attended an engineering field career school, I was placed in the engineering division of the guided missile frigate USS McInerney (FFG-8). I learned seemingly everything there was to know about auxiliary equipment, meaning everything that wasn't the main propulsion units. Diesel generators, air conditioning and refrigeration equipment, air compressors, hydraulic equipment, it was quite a learning experience.

We were deployed to the Persian Gulf in January of 1991, in support of Operation Desert Storm, and proceeded to due our duty as an escort for merchant ships traveling through the area, as well as escorting other navy ships such as the USS Wisconsin (BB-64), which was a WWII battleship providing what they called NGFS, or Naval GunFire Support. It was quite a sight to see those massive guns firing in the dead of night from 2 miles away, a flame rippling out into the darkness like fingers reaching out to ensnare the target, and then a few seconds later, being able to actually feel the shockwave as it reached our ship, like a breeze out of nowhere.

The only time I was faced with my own mortality was ironically the day before we left the Gulf, our superiors thought we had stumbled into a minefield and set battle stations. I was so scared, and yet, because of my extensive training and constant practice drills, I was calm and kept my mind on my job. Still, I couldn't help but think of what would happen if I died. Would anyone remember me? What will my parents feel like? My life had hardly begun, it would be such a shame for it to end now, but at least I would have died serving my country.

Well as you can see, I did not die that day, nor did anyone else, turned out to be a false alarm. I still have very fond memories of standing out on the McInerney's deck, at night, with nothing but the stars and the ocean as far as the eye could see, and to this day I don't remember ever feeling more content. There are more stars in the sky when you are out on the ocean, no light pollution to obscure them, and being on the water, something about it is soothing to me, like I belong there.

I got out of the Navy in July of '92, and have since gotten married and became a father to 3 beautiful daughters. I used to regret leaving the Navy, but now I feel that things happened for a reason, and I would not trade my life since then for a chance to go back and stay. I take some comfort in the fact that the ship I called home for 2 years, my ship, is still in commission. She is doing her duty, serving her country still, when many of her sisters have been decommissioned, so for me, part of me is still out there too, on the water, content, and all is right with the world.

If you are interested in seeing pictures of my ship, and others of the U. S. Navy both past and present, click the links below.

http://www.navsource.org/

http://www.navsource.org/archives/07/0708.htm (USS McInerney)
http://www.navsource.org/archives/01/64a.htm (USS Wisconsin)

New blog

2009-07-23T22:18:00.002-05:00

Well this is the first entry in a new blog, a new experience, yet another part of my new life on my new path. And apparently an experiment on how many times the word new can be used correctly in a sentence.

This blog will be about anything and everything that comes to mind, including everyday stuff, and any opinions or ideas that come to me. May be boring to some, but it is what it is.

First entry is done, now on to the real blog.